The One Whose Baby Died

Some things are still so confusing to me.  I'm not sure what I think or how to respond to certain things.

Two situations that have got me thinking.  First, at Sierra's dance class, all the parents usually sit outside the class and chat.  So I have gotten to know them somewhat.  We were talking about pictures and one of the moms had adorable, candid pictures. She said her friend has a company and it very reasonably priced.  She tried to show me them on Facebook since I had my iPad with me, but we couldn't get it to work.  So then she asked me if I had a Facebook account.  I could feel myself tense up.  Yes, I said, and logged in, hoping we could find her pictures somehow (the photographer posts them all on Facebook).  We couldn't for some reason, Facebook was being weird.  I came home later that night to a friend request from her.  It made me anxious.

Why, you might ask?  Because I am not sure she knows about Adelyn.  And I speak openly about Adelyn on Facebook, because it is my way of sharing her and my feelings, connecting with others, and making sure no one forgets her.  Yet, if someone just glanced at my page, they may not figure out the whole story.  So she might ask questions at dance class.  I'm fine with questions, but not when there are 5 other people who may not know the story.  I'm not okay with being the center of that kind of discussion.  It's not because I don't want to talk about Adelyn.  It's because I hate people's reactions.  It is one of pity, and they look at me differently like I am going to break.  If I had to deal with multiple pity looks at one time....yikes.  I feel like if she and the rest of the "dance moms" know about Adelyn, then I instantly become not Lisa, but "the one whose baby died."  I just want to be me.....

The other thing......last year my neighbors got a bracelet made for me with Sierra and Adelyn's names on it.  I love it, but I haven't worn it since Coen was born because his name isn't on it and it doesn't seem right.  I got the woman's name who made it and contacted her.  We were at first going to meet up on a Friday when Sierra has dance.  I instantly got nervous.  I told her I would have the kids with me, but of course only two kids.  I worried she would ask where my third child was, because obviously when we are putting a third name on my bracelet, she would know I have three kids.  Well, it didn't work out that week because I was too exhausted to do one more thing by Friday.  Finally we met up today for me to give her my bracelet to add on and go over the design.  I was on edge thinking about it all day.  What if she asked me how old my kids are?

She didn't ask me that, thank goodness.  But she did comment on how she was glad we could finally connect and I commented back on how crazy things were.  And then it came......she said "oh I can't even imagine, it's crazy here and I only have 2 kids.  You have three! You are one busy momma!"  Ahhhh....what to say.  Nothing like a mood killer if I would have said what I was thinking - "Yes I have three kids but one died so I really only have two to take care of just like you."  I kind of brushed it off and smiled, but inside my heart hurt a lot.  It was like for a moment, I really was a normal mommy of three.  I can't even imagine it, but oh how I wish it were true.

We decided to add one strand with Coen's name underneath the girls' names.  She commented on how she thought that would look better and work out to have the girls on one strand and the boy on the other.  I almost wanted to put Adelyn on the strand by herself, because she is different than the other two, but then I would have had to tell the story and it would be more work.  Plus, Sierra and Adelyn have the same number of letters so it was more balanced this way.

She had two boys, and one was trying on new shoes.  She said something about how shoes are one of the few fun things in dressing boys.  I said yeah, it is kinda boring!  She said oh you are used to dressing girls...plural.  Sigh. 

I just am not sure what to make of all of this.  Am I wrong to not mention Adelyn, or want people to know about her?  I don't understand....because I usually get so mad when people forget her or say I have "one of each".  Yet I am sort of doing it myself.

I'm so confused.....and a little sad tonight.  I miss her.  I miss being "normal" when it comes to baby and kid stuff.