Moments

There are moments throughout my day, moments when I feel so complete and happy. 

Like tonight.  I was in the kitchen, doing dishes or cooking dinner.  I heard giggles coming from the family room, so I went in to check on the kids.  Our kitchen and family room are like one big great room, so it's not like I had left them unattended, I just couldn't see them over the couch.  I walked in, listened for a minute, and ran to get my camera.

This is what I saw:

Sierra had her book turned around like a teacher, and was "reading" her own made up story to Coen.  He was totally watching her and listening, it was so cute.  Then he would smile or laugh, and she would too, and then he would laugh more.  It was beyond cute.  It made my heart feel almost whole again.  Probably as whole as it can feel, given that one of my children isn't here with us.  My heart will never be completely whole, as there is a piece missing that only Adelyn can fill.

It felt good to feel that way, but it didn't last.  It usually doesn't.  Something got me thinking.....perhaps it was seeing pictures of someone's newborn baby girl on Facebook all dressed in pink started it.  Maybe it was the thought of going through all of Sierra's baby clothes to take to a consignment store soon.  Or maybe it was looking at old pictures of her.  But I started thinking about how I wish I would have known she was a girl.  I wish I would have dressed her all in pink and ruffles and that the totally adorable hair bows/flowers and tutus every baby girl seems to wear now, were around back then.  I know she did have tons of cute girly stuff, but I also made sure she wore all the yellow neutral stuff we had so it wouldn't go to waste.  I guess it has to do with the fact that we did find out Adelyn was a girl, and I had it in my head that I would go all out girly for her.  I was so excited, but I never got to use anything I bought for her, I never got to dress a baby girl all in pink with pink blankets and the cute little crochet hats they have now, or put the big bows and flowers in her hair.  I sure as  heck am taking every chance I can get to buy Sierra cute hair bows and head bands and very girly clothes, while she lets me!

I could write more, but I'm tired and need to relax some before bed.  But that is honestly how a typical day goes for me nowadays.  Back and forth between those two types of feelings.  It's still so hard.  And while you may never know I am feeling the sad feelings, trust me, they are there many times a day.  They are just a part of my new normal I guess.  I can function very well with them.  And I am not even sure if I would want them to go away completely, because then I would feel like I forgot Adelyn.  Those moments are the only thing I have left of her.

This is all still so confusing to me.......