Baby Girls

I really thought I was doing better with baby girls.  Apparently I was wrong, dead wrong.

Maybe it is because I haven't really had to deal with them much - mostly everyone around us has had boys lately (thankfully).

This week a friend of mine who has been a very unexpected support to me the past 18 months had a baby girl.  Her second daughter.  Now she has two girls and a boy, just like me, but in a different order (girl, boy, girl).  I didn't think it would really bother me that much, because usually those who are sensitive to me and try to understand and ask and care make it easier.

Well, I was wrong.  Ever since I found out it was a girl (they didn't know but I thought it would be a girl), all I keep thinking about is all the things they are doing with their baby girl that I didn't get to do - hear her cry, cuddle her, see a pink "it's a girl" tag in her hospital crib (I do have one from Adelyn but it was never in her crib), pink blankets, hair bows, just merely referring to a baby as a "she."  I could go on.

It is just taking me back to all my hopes and dreams that were not fulfilled and never will be.  And it hurts, it still really hurts.  I guess I just need to give myself time to adjust to it, and then I think I will be ok.  I just wish it didn't still hurt so much.

At work today, I had a huge lump in my throat all day.  All I wanted to do was run home and hug my kids.  I just wanted to be with them, to hear Coen giggle or listen to Sierra's funny stories.  That is about the only thing that can make me feel better when I am missing Adelyn like this.  But no, I was stuck at work and pretty much stared at my computer all day and did not get much done, even though I am super busy and have tons to do.

Days like today, all I can do is go to sleep and hope tomorrow is better.

A Little Push

Sometimes you just need a little push to do things.

As I've written before, the outfit Adelyn was going to wear to come home in, a little pink onesie with a tutu skirt attached, has been haning in the nursery since I was able to unpack my bags and go in there.  When I was preparing for Coen, I felt SO guilty and just could not bring myself to put her outfit away.  I felt like if I did, it meant I was "moving on" or forgetting her.  Even though I know I could never do that.  After discussion, I decided to just leave it hanging there, a little piece of Adelyn in the room.  I figured Coen wouldn't bother it, and I would move it when I was ready.

Lately I have been thinking maybe it's time to move the outfit.  Sometimes looking at it just makes me sad.  But I wasn't sure if I should put it in her box....it's so cute to pack away.  Then it dawned on me when I saw a friend post a picture of her Molly Bear wearing her son's coming home outfit.  Duh!  I had the outfit on my Adelyn bear before, and it fit, but I think I took it off when I put her little sister oneise on to take pictures of Adelyn bear and Sierra in their matching shirts last summer:

Then I took the clothes off Adelyn bear when I took her to the hospital with me when I had Coen.  I thought people may think I was crazy carrying around a teddy bear with clothing.

Not too long ago, Sierra noticed the outfit and wanted to know whose it was.  She thought it was hers, and I told her, no it was Adelyn's.  At first this was enough for her.  Tonight she walked over to the outfit and started trying to sound out what it says...."Ad...e....lyn...mommy is that how you spell Adelyn?"  The shirt says princess on it, so I told her that and she tried to sound it out while pointing to the words.  Prereading skills....yes!

Then she thought out loud...."maybe this will fit Rosie" (her doll).  I didn't want her playing with it, so I said no it will fit Adelyn bear.  So she ran into our room and brought all 8 lbs 5 oz of Adelyn bear in the nursery and started trying to put the outfit on her.  She got it all on herself, except for the snaps!  She dropped Adelyn bear a few times, which made me nervous.  One of her roses on her ears already fell off and I can't sew so it isn't back on yet.  Learning to sew is on my to-do list when I have some free time.

I held Adelyn bear tonight, and loved on her.  So did Sierra:

And so Adelyn's outfit has a perfect place to "be" now, one that I am happy with and that feels right.

Can I just say how much I love my big girl?  She seems to know lately when her mommy needs someone to talk about Adelyn.  Her random mentions of Adelyn make my heart skip a beat, both in happiness to hear her name and sadness that she isn't here.

Dance Moms

For some reason, the last few days Sierra has been begging me to watch Dance Moms.  I know it's not appropriate for her entirely, but it deals with dancing and she takes dance class.  I know I should wait until she is in bed to watch it, but honestly, if I do that, I will never watch it.  She usually doesn't go to bed until 9:30 ish, and then I usually need to finish some things up and maybe watch 15 minutes of TV before it's so late I have to go to bed. I think some of the older kids at her baby-sitter's house were watching it or talking about it.

As for the real dance moms, the ones at Sierra's dance class....the topic of conversation tonight was childbirth.  Really?  Why can I not escape it?  I'm okay with it sometimes, but then it started going to complications and the "horror stories" of childbirth.  One mom talked about pushing for hours and being fully dilated but ending up with a csection because the baby was stuck.  Another mom was talking about having to have her csections done under general anesthesia because she could feel them cutting her and then had some other complications and hemorraged after the baby was born and some scary stuff.  Although not as scary as what happened to me.  My baby died........theirs lived.

I just never know what to say during these types of conversations.  I just feel SO uncomfortable.  I sometimes talk about Sierra and Coen's birth, but never Adelyn's.  Actually I am not sure if these women know about her or not.  I hesitate to bring up Coen's birth because when people hear that he was two pushes after a few hours of labor, they say how lucky I am.  If only they knew......

Not to change the subject.......but on our way to dance class, Sierra randomly asked me where the houses in the sky were.  I said we can't see them and asked why she was asking.  She said that she wanted to go visit Adelyn but wasn't sure where the houses were because she couldn't see them, so they must be really far away.  Too far, baby........  Then she wanted to know how we get there.  I said we just don't know.  Sierra likes to ask lots of questions, as you can see.  After all those, she had one more, "Mommy, why do I have two babies....one here with us and one up in the sky?"

If only we knew the answer to that one.

Walking Away

Sometimes I still have to just walk away.  It all gets to be too much, it reminds me too much, and I just can't handle it.  From the outside, you'd never know because I hide it well.

Yesterday, I was picking up the kids and another mother is pregnant, due in two weeks or so.  I stopped to talk for a minute as she loaded her kids into her van.  I noticed the baby car seat already installed, ready to bring a baby home in.  I think my heart skipped a beat or sank or something.  I do know it hurt.  Empty car seats are hard.  Even though we have another baby who fills that same car seat that once waited for a baby who never came home, an empty car seat is a reminder.  A reminder of the happy times, of begging my husband to install the car seat 2 or 3 weeks ahead of time, in hopes that my babies would come early, which never happened.  A reminder of the baby who didn't get to ride in that car seat.  A reminder of riding home from the hospital with the car seat base still installed in the car.  A reminder of seeing the empty car seat that I had washed and ready, complete with a pink butterfly toy so no one would call her a boy.  A reminder of how much that hurt, and of how it felt to put that seat away.  A reminder of the day I finally mustered up the courage to take out the car seat base and then the day I moved Sierra's seat back over to the passenger side where there was more room.  I remember that day like it was yesterday - the neighbors were all  outside, it was gorgeous, and I overheard them happily talking about ultrasounds. Ouch.  There I was, moving a car seat because we didn't need two anymore, and they were discussing pregnancy. 

And it is also a reminder of how much things change, of how much Adelyn changed me.  When it was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Coen, my husband was going to install the car seat.  I told him absolutely not, he needed to wait until after the baby was born and lived.  I just couldn't handle it.  I mean I was pretty sure the baby would come home with us, but seeing an empty car seat was too hard.  So my poor husband had to come home and move Sierra's seat back to the driver's side and install the baby car seat the night before we came home. 

Such a little thing can stir up SO many memories.  So many memories that hurt so much still.

That was yesterday.  Today the topic at pick up time was babies again.  This time, delivery and c-sections and getting induced.  It all started when we were talking about our moms being there.  My neighbor was talking about how her mom was a nervous wreck during her VBAC because her baby had meconium and her mom works in a hospital so she knows what can happen (like what happened to me right?) and how her mom was begging her to just get the c-section. She didn't, and her baby was fine.  The other woman was talking about when she had her c-section after laboring for hours and how upset she was and cried, but afterwards the dr. told her the cord was wrapped around his neck twice and had she delivered him naturally, it could have been a disaster.  I wanted to say, oh yeah like what happened to me, remember?  I'm not sure where the conversation went after that, but I felt VERY uncomfortable and had to just walk away.  Talking about complications to labor and delivery is NOT a good topic.  Especially when you go on and on about how relieved you are that it didn't happen to you.  I know they probably didn't realize and I know they didn't mean to hurt me.  But seriously, why talk about that in front of me?!

As much as I love babies, I think I will be very glad when everyone around me stops having them.  Being the age that I am, it seems to be all anyone talks about.  A lot of the times I am fine, but when it goes to things like today, I'm really not, yet I feel like people expect me to be because they just keep talking away like they forgot what happened to me.

Spring and Summer Wardrobes

Tomorrow is the first day of spring, but it feels more like summer around here.  This weather is crazy.  80 degrees in March?!  I will take it, but it caught me off guard.  Last week, it was almost this warm and we did not have the screens in the windows and still had our flannel sheets and down comforters on the beds!  Poor Sierra had no sandals that fit her, and I just can't stand socks and shoes with skirts or shorts.  Sorry, my girl has to look fashionable!

So this past weekend we played catch up - put in the screens, put regular sheets and comforters on our beds, and got new Crocs for Sierra.  She was hilarious in the store picking them out...."no, no, no, YES!"

I just bought Coen a 5 pack of long sleeve white onesies to wear underneath a few things.  Well, guess that was a waste.  I was worried because I think he has about 5 short sleeve outfits in the size he is currently wearing.....I bought 9 months summer clothes because I didn't expect it to be warm yet!  However, I just hit the jackpot tonight and found a whole bin of 3-6 month neutral/boy clothes so he is good to go.  I had most of them from before Sierra, I bought both boy/girl clothes since we didn't know which she was, I was just so excited to shop.  After we found out Adelyn was a girl, I sold or gave away most of the boyish stuff.  And that is another reason why I knew Coen would be a boy!  For some reason I did save this stuff, I think I had sold most of the stuff right before she was born so it wasn't the right season to sell summer clothes.  Then  Adelyn died and we got pregnant again and I thought we might need boy stuff.  My intuition is always right when it comes to that.........

On to my clothing.  If I haven't blogged about this before, most of the buildings I work in do not have air conditioning.  In fact, the one still has the heat blasting.  The custodian could not figure out how to turn it off.....it's either hot or cold in that room.  Last year I remember being pregnant, it being 95 degrees out, and we had a meeting in that room with about 15 people....needless to say, it was HOT.  Last week I was uncomfortable in that room already, in March!  So I knew I had to get out some cooler clothes.  This is something I have both been looking forward to and dreading at the same time.  I have not worn spring and summer non maternity clothes since 2009.  Almost 3 years.  The last 2 spring/summers I was pregnant.  It is so bittersweet to not be pregnant anymore, and to know most likely I never will be again.  I haven't worn my clothes in so long, I can't even remember what I have.  As I pulled some things out, I kind of remembered packing them away, when I was happily pregnant with Adelyn, and never bothering to get them back out last year because I was pregnant again.  There are some shirts that are going to be hard to wear, because while they are not maternity shirts, I wore them both times I was pregnant.  Especially with Coen, when I was trying to hide my belly.  I only told select people I work with I was pregnant (until it was obvious when I went back to work for 2 days in , because I was having a hard time and wasn't comfortable being fussed over or talking about it.  I don't like thinking back to that time, it was so difficult and now I would give just about anything to have been able to enjoy my pregnancy with him.  I really wasn't able to, for so many reasons.  Guilt, fear, and sadness to name a few.

I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that some pants actually fit me.  Actually, the 4 pairs I tried on all fit!  Amazing!  I am sure some of the shirts might be too short or tight, especially since I am nursing.  There are shirts with tags on them, that I bought before I found out I was pregnant with Adelyn and never got to wear since because I was always pregnant for short sleeve weather.  I still have major organizing to do for both Sierra and I, but I am just too busy and too tired to get to it just yet. For now, I will have to dig around to find our clothes for the next day.

Happy Spring!

The One Whose Baby Died

Some things are still so confusing to me.  I'm not sure what I think or how to respond to certain things.

Two situations that have got me thinking.  First, at Sierra's dance class, all the parents usually sit outside the class and chat.  So I have gotten to know them somewhat.  We were talking about pictures and one of the moms had adorable, candid pictures. She said her friend has a company and it very reasonably priced.  She tried to show me them on Facebook since I had my iPad with me, but we couldn't get it to work.  So then she asked me if I had a Facebook account.  I could feel myself tense up.  Yes, I said, and logged in, hoping we could find her pictures somehow (the photographer posts them all on Facebook).  We couldn't for some reason, Facebook was being weird.  I came home later that night to a friend request from her.  It made me anxious.

Why, you might ask?  Because I am not sure she knows about Adelyn.  And I speak openly about Adelyn on Facebook, because it is my way of sharing her and my feelings, connecting with others, and making sure no one forgets her.  Yet, if someone just glanced at my page, they may not figure out the whole story.  So she might ask questions at dance class.  I'm fine with questions, but not when there are 5 other people who may not know the story.  I'm not okay with being the center of that kind of discussion.  It's not because I don't want to talk about Adelyn.  It's because I hate people's reactions.  It is one of pity, and they look at me differently like I am going to break.  If I had to deal with multiple pity looks at one time....yikes.  I feel like if she and the rest of the "dance moms" know about Adelyn, then I instantly become not Lisa, but "the one whose baby died."  I just want to be me.....

The other thing......last year my neighbors got a bracelet made for me with Sierra and Adelyn's names on it.  I love it, but I haven't worn it since Coen was born because his name isn't on it and it doesn't seem right.  I got the woman's name who made it and contacted her.  We were at first going to meet up on a Friday when Sierra has dance.  I instantly got nervous.  I told her I would have the kids with me, but of course only two kids.  I worried she would ask where my third child was, because obviously when we are putting a third name on my bracelet, she would know I have three kids.  Well, it didn't work out that week because I was too exhausted to do one more thing by Friday.  Finally we met up today for me to give her my bracelet to add on and go over the design.  I was on edge thinking about it all day.  What if she asked me how old my kids are?

She didn't ask me that, thank goodness.  But she did comment on how she was glad we could finally connect and I commented back on how crazy things were.  And then it came......she said "oh I can't even imagine, it's crazy here and I only have 2 kids.  You have three! You are one busy momma!"  Ahhhh....what to say.  Nothing like a mood killer if I would have said what I was thinking - "Yes I have three kids but one died so I really only have two to take care of just like you."  I kind of brushed it off and smiled, but inside my heart hurt a lot.  It was like for a moment, I really was a normal mommy of three.  I can't even imagine it, but oh how I wish it were true.

We decided to add one strand with Coen's name underneath the girls' names.  She commented on how she thought that would look better and work out to have the girls on one strand and the boy on the other.  I almost wanted to put Adelyn on the strand by herself, because she is different than the other two, but then I would have had to tell the story and it would be more work.  Plus, Sierra and Adelyn have the same number of letters so it was more balanced this way.

She had two boys, and one was trying on new shoes.  She said something about how shoes are one of the few fun things in dressing boys.  I said yeah, it is kinda boring!  She said oh you are used to dressing girls...plural.  Sigh. 

I just am not sure what to make of all of this.  Am I wrong to not mention Adelyn, or want people to know about her?  I don't understand....because I usually get so mad when people forget her or say I have "one of each".  Yet I am sort of doing it myself.

I'm so confused.....and a little sad tonight.  I miss her.  I miss being "normal" when it comes to baby and kid stuff.

Five Months

Coen is five months old today.  It is going way too fast.  I love this age though - he is starting to show personality and actually does stuff now, but yet he is still little and cuddly and doesn't move around on his own yet!

Coen started rolling over this month.  He first did it at his baby-sitter's house, then he did it this past week when my parents were baby-sitting because his usual baby-sitter was on vacation.  Nights are so crazy during the work week and he is so tired that we never saw it.  I finally saw it last night though, but Trevor still hasn't.

Coen also started going in the exersaucer this month and he LOVES it.  It brings back so many memories of when Sierra was a baby.  The songs and melodies of it came right back to me.

He also started grabbing everything!  He usually gets cranky right at our dinner time, so one of us ends up eating while holding him.  Well, that is getting difficult because he tries to grab the plate or placemat!  He still likes to sit in the Bumbo seat - ours is made by a different company and came with a tray and a toy that fits into the tray.  It spins and he loves it.  He likes to try to pull it out of the tray and eat it, but if he can't or if he drops it, he gets so mad.  He also likes to pick up all the baby toys and put them in his mouth.  And the taggie blankets are a favorite too.  He doesn't like pacifiers but does  like a lovey to put in his mouth, I'm just afraid to let him sleep with it in fear of him suffocating.

Coen's biggest accomplishment this month is this:

Coen is also trying to sit up.  When he we change his diaper now he lifts his head up.  And he pushes up when in the bouncy seat.  He was so close to sitting up for a few seconds at least today:

I'm proud to say that Coen is still exclusively breast fed.  It has taken a lot of work, but when I put my mind to something, I will do it.  He is up to drinking 8 ounces when he does take a bottle when I am at work.  I am sure solids are coming soon, but I am hoping to hold him off for a few more weeks.  He did wake up at 3 am Thursday night and cry for almost an hour before falling back to sleep.  I was thinking maybe that meant he was ready, but then he slept 9 until 8 last night.  I really am not looking forward to solid foods, as it is more work and mess for me!

Today was a good day!  We got some stuff done around here, not nearly everything I wanted to, but some is better than none.  I am going through Sierra's old clothes to take to consignment.  That is so bittersweet, so many memories attached to those little outfits.  I am keeping some of them, but most I have to part with.

We recently got built in bookcases, handmade by my 90 year old grandfather.  Trevor was working on painting them a little bit tonight, so I had bath and bed duty.  I'm awful about getting the kids to bed because I get distracted by playing with them.  I think I got sidetracked first by taking pictures of Coen.  I wanted to take one of him in the same pajamas as Sierra had, sitting in the Bumbo so I could compare them.  I will post them later, because it's crazy how much they still look alike.  I swear I have trouble telling who is who from the pictures.  Anyway, Sierra had been playing in her room and she came in and of course was all in Coen's face.  I should just call on her any time I want a good picture of Coen smiling, because he hears her voice and smiles.  But tonight, he was giggling.  He has done it before, but I was never able to get it on video.  Tonight I did!  It was adorable!

Coen went to bed very easily, but Sierra not so much.  She was taking her baby doll blankets and "wrapping" things from her room to give to us.  Very cute.  Until I picked up what I thought was just a blanket, but it had a book wrapped in it and it fell right on my foot.  Ouch!  She was having so much fun, it's nice that she likes to give people things.  The best part was when she told me she was playing Santa Claus.  I love that girl!

We lose an hour sleep tonight so I better get to bed.  The last thing I need is to lose more sleep!

Kmart Birthday Club

Awhile back, I registered for the Kmart Birthday club because they would send e-mail coupons for $5 off any toy purchase with no minimum purchase. Good deal.....

Then they changed the coupons to $5 off $25....not such a good deal so I haven't been using them.  Well, today I got an e-mail from the Kmart birthday club.  I assumed it was for Sierra, since her birthday is next month.

But no.......I opened the message to this:

 Your child is becoming pretty independent. As she tries to do more and more on her own, her toys should give her the opportunity to build on the skills she already has and develop new ones, such as coordination, strength, balance and more.. Her toys should also build a growing vocabulary!!

 Ouch....I thought I took care of all that kind of stuff.  But no, 18 months later, there are still reminders and they still hurt.  I can't even begin to imagine what Adelyn would be like at 18 months, and that may be what hurts the most.

And I am off to unsubscribe to the Kmart Birthday Club since I never use the coupons anyway.

Eyes

What am I thinking tonight?  I'm thinking about my kids and their big, beautiful blue eyes.  The ones that get comments everywhere we go, or anytime I show anyone a picture of either of them.


I think Coen is a little over 4 months in this picture. He looks like he is flirting, giving the big puppy eyes!



Sierra at 5 months, one of my all time favorite pictures of her! You can really see how blue her eyes are.



Tonight, I am just thinking, wondering, what Adelyn's eyes looked like. We never got to see them.  I'm going to guess she did have the same eyes, since all three of my babies looked so much alike.  And that is both a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because that would mean even though I never saw her eyes, I get a glimpse of what they would be like when I look into Sierra or Coen's eyes.  But it's so sad to think that eyes that beautiful, never got to be seen.

Moments

There are moments throughout my day, moments when I feel so complete and happy. 

Like tonight.  I was in the kitchen, doing dishes or cooking dinner.  I heard giggles coming from the family room, so I went in to check on the kids.  Our kitchen and family room are like one big great room, so it's not like I had left them unattended, I just couldn't see them over the couch.  I walked in, listened for a minute, and ran to get my camera.

This is what I saw:

Sierra had her book turned around like a teacher, and was "reading" her own made up story to Coen.  He was totally watching her and listening, it was so cute.  Then he would smile or laugh, and she would too, and then he would laugh more.  It was beyond cute.  It made my heart feel almost whole again.  Probably as whole as it can feel, given that one of my children isn't here with us.  My heart will never be completely whole, as there is a piece missing that only Adelyn can fill.

It felt good to feel that way, but it didn't last.  It usually doesn't.  Something got me thinking.....perhaps it was seeing pictures of someone's newborn baby girl on Facebook all dressed in pink started it.  Maybe it was the thought of going through all of Sierra's baby clothes to take to a consignment store soon.  Or maybe it was looking at old pictures of her.  But I started thinking about how I wish I would have known she was a girl.  I wish I would have dressed her all in pink and ruffles and that the totally adorable hair bows/flowers and tutus every baby girl seems to wear now, were around back then.  I know she did have tons of cute girly stuff, but I also made sure she wore all the yellow neutral stuff we had so it wouldn't go to waste.  I guess it has to do with the fact that we did find out Adelyn was a girl, and I had it in my head that I would go all out girly for her.  I was so excited, but I never got to use anything I bought for her, I never got to dress a baby girl all in pink with pink blankets and the cute little crochet hats they have now, or put the big bows and flowers in her hair.  I sure as  heck am taking every chance I can get to buy Sierra cute hair bows and head bands and very girly clothes, while she lets me!

I could write more, but I'm tired and need to relax some before bed.  But that is honestly how a typical day goes for me nowadays.  Back and forth between those two types of feelings.  It's still so hard.  And while you may never know I am feeling the sad feelings, trust me, they are there many times a day.  They are just a part of my new normal I guess.  I can function very well with them.  And I am not even sure if I would want them to go away completely, because then I would feel like I forgot Adelyn.  Those moments are the only thing I have left of her.

This is all still so confusing to me.......