'Tis the seaon for sickness.....
Last week Coen must have had an upset stomach and had many yucky diapers, which caused diaper rash.
Then Sierra got sick on Thanksgiving and almost didn't make it to the bathroom in time. She said her tummy hurt, poor thing, but seemed to be better the next day after many trips to the bathroom. So, I guess I totally jinxed her in my last post when I said she had been healthy.
Then there is the coughing. As if it wasn't bad enough to hear this student at work with most annoying cough ever that lasted forever, I have also been hearing coughing at home for at least the past two months. First Trevor, then Coen, Sierra started last week, and Trevor is back to coughing after a few weeks of being "cured." All three of them coughing away.
So, we are still sick in this house. I'm about ready to rip the whole house apart and lysol it over and over. I'm done with sickness and it's only the beginning of "sick season."
Coen has his ear recheck on Friday and I'm really nervous. I don't think it's going to be clear. Considering he has had a runny nose and a little cough since he finished his antibiotics two weeks ago.
Hence the reason I haven't posted much in awhile. I have started so many posts in my head, but have been too tired and busy to write them. I hate that!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Still Sick
Well time is moving along and we are STILL sick here. Coen finally seemed to be on the mend after a VERY crank weekend (last weekend), then he woke up the next day with a runny nose. Now he's been coughing a lot at night and just has yucky things coming out of his nose. And tonight my throat is sore, leaving me to believe I am catching his cold. Really?
Last night he was coughing a lot after we put him to bed. I was worried, but didn't want to go in and risk waking him up. Learned that lesson when we went in his room while he was napping and he woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep.
As I was getting ready for bed, I realized I hadn't heard him cough for awhile. I had a moment of panic, similar to those I experienced when he was a newborn and sleeping. I worried that he had choked on his mucous and was quiet because he was dead. I was frozen in fear, so much that I couldn't even go check on him.
Then in the morning, Sierra came running into our room and woke me up by staring at me. She had this look on her face like something was wrong, and I panicked again. I thought she was going to tell me she went into Coen's room to put her pull up in the diaper genie (yes she still wears pull ups to bed and more often than not pees in them....that's another topic entirely) and he wasn't moving or something.
And then I heard him cough. Never thought I'd feel that much relief from having my sick baby cough...again.
I hate how anxious and overprotective I am. I guess it is never going to change either.
Last night he was coughing a lot after we put him to bed. I was worried, but didn't want to go in and risk waking him up. Learned that lesson when we went in his room while he was napping and he woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep.
As I was getting ready for bed, I realized I hadn't heard him cough for awhile. I had a moment of panic, similar to those I experienced when he was a newborn and sleeping. I worried that he had choked on his mucous and was quiet because he was dead. I was frozen in fear, so much that I couldn't even go check on him.
Then in the morning, Sierra came running into our room and woke me up by staring at me. She had this look on her face like something was wrong, and I panicked again. I thought she was going to tell me she went into Coen's room to put her pull up in the diaper genie (yes she still wears pull ups to bed and more often than not pees in them....that's another topic entirely) and he wasn't moving or something.
And then I heard him cough. Never thought I'd feel that much relief from having my sick baby cough...again.
I hate how anxious and overprotective I am. I guess it is never going to change either.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Germs, Germs Go Away!
This fall has not been kind to our house. Except maybe to Sierra. She's been pretty healthy. I hope I didn't just jinx her.
I swear one of us has been sick since I went back to work. Colds, stomach issues, ear infections, coughs....you name it.
Poor Coen got his first ear infection at his one year check up. After one dose of antiobiotics, he seemed to be on the mend.
Fast forward three weeks, the day we were to return to the doctor for an ear recheck and his shots, since he didn't get them at his well check.
He woke up and didn't seem like himself. He had no fever, so I guilt-i-ly took him to the baby-sitter's house. I said I thought maybe he was getting sick. When I checked up on him later that day she said he was ok. But then he spiked a fever an hour or two after this. I decided to still take him to the doctor appointment (even though he couldn't get the shots due to having a fever) to be sure the ear infection had cleared.
It didn't. So, we are on round two of antiobiotics and Augmentin is not our friend. Coen doesn't like how it tastes so is starting to spit it back out. It causes yucky diapers, so must be upsetting his tummy because he still isn't eating like normal. It also gave Coen a rash, which the on-call nurse said was not a allergic reaction but just a common side effect. Now I am confused because Sierra had a similar rash and they said she was allergic?
I am not sure what else is going on, but I want my sweet, happy boy back. His fever has been gone for a few days, but he is still not himself. He is cranky from the time he wakes up from his afternoon nap until I put him to bed. It's worse than when he was an infant! The past few nights he has woken up crying, which he hasn't done since he was 2 months old. I am wondering if he is also teething because he keeps chewing on his fingers. That would explain a lot, but I don't see any new teeth.
Hubby and I have also been sick off and on. It's not fun. I am hoping this is not a sign of how our winter is going to be. Last year I made it from December when I went back to work to June without taking one sick day (because I didn't have any). At least this year I have 8 more sick days left.
Well, that's if I ever catch up on work stuff to take off. I am so busy I want to cry. I hate going to work when my kids are sick. I feel so guilty, like the worst mom in the world. It's so hard for me to concentrate when all I am thinking about is how I would much rather be home rocking my sick baby. But I literally have at least 10 IEP reports to write by Thanksgiving break. I am not sure it is going to happen. Then I have to schedule meetings, do my monthly billing, in addition to seeing all 67 of the kids on my roster. Just typing that made my stress level go WAY up. Sometimes (ok most of the time) I really hate being a working mom. I'm so much happier in the summer.
Working mom of sick baby rant over.....
I swear one of us has been sick since I went back to work. Colds, stomach issues, ear infections, coughs....you name it.
Poor Coen got his first ear infection at his one year check up. After one dose of antiobiotics, he seemed to be on the mend.
Fast forward three weeks, the day we were to return to the doctor for an ear recheck and his shots, since he didn't get them at his well check.
He woke up and didn't seem like himself. He had no fever, so I guilt-i-ly took him to the baby-sitter's house. I said I thought maybe he was getting sick. When I checked up on him later that day she said he was ok. But then he spiked a fever an hour or two after this. I decided to still take him to the doctor appointment (even though he couldn't get the shots due to having a fever) to be sure the ear infection had cleared.
It didn't. So, we are on round two of antiobiotics and Augmentin is not our friend. Coen doesn't like how it tastes so is starting to spit it back out. It causes yucky diapers, so must be upsetting his tummy because he still isn't eating like normal. It also gave Coen a rash, which the on-call nurse said was not a allergic reaction but just a common side effect. Now I am confused because Sierra had a similar rash and they said she was allergic?
I am not sure what else is going on, but I want my sweet, happy boy back. His fever has been gone for a few days, but he is still not himself. He is cranky from the time he wakes up from his afternoon nap until I put him to bed. It's worse than when he was an infant! The past few nights he has woken up crying, which he hasn't done since he was 2 months old. I am wondering if he is also teething because he keeps chewing on his fingers. That would explain a lot, but I don't see any new teeth.
Hubby and I have also been sick off and on. It's not fun. I am hoping this is not a sign of how our winter is going to be. Last year I made it from December when I went back to work to June without taking one sick day (because I didn't have any). At least this year I have 8 more sick days left.
Well, that's if I ever catch up on work stuff to take off. I am so busy I want to cry. I hate going to work when my kids are sick. I feel so guilty, like the worst mom in the world. It's so hard for me to concentrate when all I am thinking about is how I would much rather be home rocking my sick baby. But I literally have at least 10 IEP reports to write by Thanksgiving break. I am not sure it is going to happen. Then I have to schedule meetings, do my monthly billing, in addition to seeing all 67 of the kids on my roster. Just typing that made my stress level go WAY up. Sometimes (ok most of the time) I really hate being a working mom. I'm so much happier in the summer.
Working mom of sick baby rant over.....
Monday, November 5, 2012
Pointing Fingers
Not sure if any of my blog readers have heard about the tragic accident that happened at the Pittsburgh Zoo. If you haven't, basically a 2 year old boy was at the zoo with his mother. She lifted him up to see and he lost his balance and fell into the exhibit. A net caught him, but since he was so little he bounced out of it and into the exhibit of African Painted Dogs. The dogs mauled him to death, so quickly that even though zoo officials responded within seconds, they could not lure the dogs away fast enough to save him.
This story haunts me. It makes me sick to my stomach. This mother watched her son get mauled by dogs. Worse yet, people are blaming her. No, she shouldn't have lifted him up like that. Did she think this would happen, and if she knew it would happen, would she still have done it? No way.
In a sense, I feel like people who are blaming her must blame me for my daughter's death. I didn't want a c-section, so I chose to have her turned. And then she died during labor or immediately after birth. So, is it my fault for not having the c-section, because she probably would have lived had I chose that. I didn't know this, or you can bet I would have done the c-section. This news story has got me second guessing and wondering what people were saying about me right after Adelyn died. Or maybe they didn't say it, but thought it.
I want to know what gives people the right to judge.
How many people have put their child in an expired car seat? Or switched them to forward facing sooner than recommended, because it is "easier" or because they "feel bad"about their child having to sit that way? How many people have switched their child to a booster seat sooner than they should, because it is more convenient? I know many very good parents who have done this.
Honestly, I wouldn't have thought twice about these types of things until my child died. And now, you bet my son is staying rear facing until he is 2. I'm not taking any chances. You bet my daughter is staying in a harness as long as possible. We just bought her a new carseat and the harness goes up to 65 lbs. We put Coen in her old one, rear facing, until the seat expires next year.
Truthfully, I am terrified of something bad happening to my living children. I lived through that once, and I don't EVER want to experience that pain again. I'm overprotective, and I worry. A LOT. When mothers who haven't lost a child talk about being that way, I almost want to laugh and tell them they have NO idea.
And now I am scared to take my kids to the zoo. The whole time I would be there, I would be thinking about this accident and worrying.
Sigh....praying for the family of the that precious little boy. Rest in peace. I know all the other little kids welcomed you to heaven with open arms.
This story haunts me. It makes me sick to my stomach. This mother watched her son get mauled by dogs. Worse yet, people are blaming her. No, she shouldn't have lifted him up like that. Did she think this would happen, and if she knew it would happen, would she still have done it? No way.
In a sense, I feel like people who are blaming her must blame me for my daughter's death. I didn't want a c-section, so I chose to have her turned. And then she died during labor or immediately after birth. So, is it my fault for not having the c-section, because she probably would have lived had I chose that. I didn't know this, or you can bet I would have done the c-section. This news story has got me second guessing and wondering what people were saying about me right after Adelyn died. Or maybe they didn't say it, but thought it.
I want to know what gives people the right to judge.
How many people have put their child in an expired car seat? Or switched them to forward facing sooner than recommended, because it is "easier" or because they "feel bad"about their child having to sit that way? How many people have switched their child to a booster seat sooner than they should, because it is more convenient? I know many very good parents who have done this.
Honestly, I wouldn't have thought twice about these types of things until my child died. And now, you bet my son is staying rear facing until he is 2. I'm not taking any chances. You bet my daughter is staying in a harness as long as possible. We just bought her a new carseat and the harness goes up to 65 lbs. We put Coen in her old one, rear facing, until the seat expires next year.
Truthfully, I am terrified of something bad happening to my living children. I lived through that once, and I don't EVER want to experience that pain again. I'm overprotective, and I worry. A LOT. When mothers who haven't lost a child talk about being that way, I almost want to laugh and tell them they have NO idea.
And now I am scared to take my kids to the zoo. The whole time I would be there, I would be thinking about this accident and worrying.
Sigh....praying for the family of the that precious little boy. Rest in peace. I know all the other little kids welcomed you to heaven with open arms.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Capture Your Grief Days 27, 28, 29, 30
Day 27. Artwork - This was made for me by Erin Cushman of Hope Mommies, who I "met" from this blog. I missed the first Hope Mommies retreat where they received these, but she made me one. I had to change it from PDF to a photo file, so the quality isn't as good, but I printed it on pink paper and it sits on her shelf. Love it!
Day 28. Memory - How can I pick one? There are so many negative, heart wrenchingly painful memories I could share. Almost all the memories of my pregnancy and especially the first year after she died, are painful. The things that were happy, like the day we found out she was a girl, picking out her name at the last minute, shopping for ultra girly clothes much to my husband's dismay, going into labor (my neighbor flat out talking to Adelyn and telling her it was time to come out) - they turned into sad memories because of the loss of that innocence, because the represent the dream that never got to be.
A rare positive memory - I was shopping at Michael's and saw this sign that says "scatter joy." It spoke to me, like it was Adelyn telling me it's ok to be happy, and I knew I had to buy it for her garden. This is one of my all time favorite pictures of my kids:
Day 29. Music - There are SO many songs I could pick, but this one never fails to make me stop what I am doing and listen to the lyrics. And usually tears well up by the time the song is over:
Day 30. Your Grief - Tell the World - I found this picture via the Compassionate Friends. I think it sums up how I will feel the rest of my life. When I expect something to be hard, I hold it together. But something random will happen and knock me right back to day 1 of my grief. It sucks.
I could probably post a bunch of other things my cousin has made for me, but I think this one is my favorite:
Day 28. Memory - How can I pick one? There are so many negative, heart wrenchingly painful memories I could share. Almost all the memories of my pregnancy and especially the first year after she died, are painful. The things that were happy, like the day we found out she was a girl, picking out her name at the last minute, shopping for ultra girly clothes much to my husband's dismay, going into labor (my neighbor flat out talking to Adelyn and telling her it was time to come out) - they turned into sad memories because of the loss of that innocence, because the represent the dream that never got to be.
A rare positive memory - I was shopping at Michael's and saw this sign that says "scatter joy." It spoke to me, like it was Adelyn telling me it's ok to be happy, and I knew I had to buy it for her garden. This is one of my all time favorite pictures of my kids:
Day 29. Music - There are SO many songs I could pick, but this one never fails to make me stop what I am doing and listen to the lyrics. And usually tears well up by the time the song is over:
Day 30. Your Grief - Tell the World - I found this picture via the Compassionate Friends. I think it sums up how I will feel the rest of my life. When I expect something to be hard, I hold it together. But something random will happen and knock me right back to day 1 of my grief. It sucks.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Catching Up - Capture Your Grief Days 24, 25, & 26
Day 24. Siblings - I don't even know where to start on this one. I'm not sure how much Sierra understood at 2.5, or even now at 4.5 how much she understands. The other day she and Coen were playing in his new ball pit while I was doing dishes. I could still hear and see them, as the family room is open to the kitchen, but I will frequently ask Sierra where Coen is when I do this, because I have to take my eyes off him. So she says, "Mommy, Coen's not here. He died and went up in the sky." Comments like this, make me realize how different she is from "most" kids. That thought would not even cross a kid's mind, had they not had someone close to them die.
I do believe that although Sierra may not have entirely understood, she did know something was wrong and that mommy and daddy weren't themselves and was probably very confused about why everyone else she was around got to bring home the baby that was in their mommy's belly and she didn't. She probably wonders why we got to bring Coen home and not Adelyn. I know she does, she has asked it before.
I also know that potty training was majorly affected by Adelyn dying. It took Sierra over a year, close to 1.5 years, to be potty trained during the day. There was so much regression, doing well, regression.....plus there was so much else going on in our house. I was so easily frustrated by her accidents, refusal to go on the potty, being stubborn, you name it. I believe that is to be expected, given I was grieving heavily, then pregnant again and hormonal on top of it, all while trying to potty train her. It was rough....to say the least. I hate that my daughter had to go through all that with me.
I think this photo captures her grief....she doesn't know to be sad really, although she has told me she misses Adelyn.
This is the first family photo Sierra drew - of course she included Mommy, Daddy, herself, the dog (but not the cat) and Adelyn. I think Adelyn is the blob on the lower right, the thing up in the sky is the sun (I originally thought that was Adelyn but she was very adamant that it was the sun). It made me happy that she included Adelyn, but sad that she almost didn't know how to draw her. She drew this in March, right before she she turned 3.
Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing - Since Adelyn was our second child, and second girl, we did not have a baby shower or get many gifts. Most stuff I bought for her, except I do recall a pair of baby pumpkin socks my cousin bought me that I sadly gave back to her. I don't have a picture of them. I also remember a pair of black leggings my mom and I bought for her, I found them not to long ago and it made my heart hurt. One thing I do have a picture of that was a gift from my coworkers is this:
How fitting that it is a butterfly? I had it attached to her car seat ready to go, I thought with it and the pink Hello Kitty toy we had from Sierra, that no one would mistake her for a boy leaving the hospital like they did Sierra - because our car seat was green and gray. I gave this to a special rainbow baby, and I know she treasures it. Her mom even sent me a picture of her walking around with it. Made me smile.
This onesie was given to me by a student's family - ok I am sure it was his mother who picked it out. I was excited because it said "I love mom" and usually all girl stuff says "I love daddy." Plus I was convinced she was coming early and this would be good for warmer fall weather. Ha, I was so wrong.
Day 26. Their Age - Adelyn was born at 41 weeks gestation, and died at 18 minutes old, although she never took a breath. She had a faint heartbeat at birth, but I am not sure if she really lived on earth. The moments she was technically "alive" (from 5:46 to 6:04 when they pronounced her dead) she was with doctors and nurses, poking her, doing CPR, putting tubes in her.....
This is me right before we left for the hospital on September 29, 2010. I was in labor, and wanting to just meet my baby. This is the last "photo" of her alive.
I do believe that although Sierra may not have entirely understood, she did know something was wrong and that mommy and daddy weren't themselves and was probably very confused about why everyone else she was around got to bring home the baby that was in their mommy's belly and she didn't. She probably wonders why we got to bring Coen home and not Adelyn. I know she does, she has asked it before.
I also know that potty training was majorly affected by Adelyn dying. It took Sierra over a year, close to 1.5 years, to be potty trained during the day. There was so much regression, doing well, regression.....plus there was so much else going on in our house. I was so easily frustrated by her accidents, refusal to go on the potty, being stubborn, you name it. I believe that is to be expected, given I was grieving heavily, then pregnant again and hormonal on top of it, all while trying to potty train her. It was rough....to say the least. I hate that my daughter had to go through all that with me.
I think this photo captures her grief....she doesn't know to be sad really, although she has told me she misses Adelyn.
This is the first family photo Sierra drew - of course she included Mommy, Daddy, herself, the dog (but not the cat) and Adelyn. I think Adelyn is the blob on the lower right, the thing up in the sky is the sun (I originally thought that was Adelyn but she was very adamant that it was the sun). It made me happy that she included Adelyn, but sad that she almost didn't know how to draw her. She drew this in March, right before she she turned 3.
Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing - Since Adelyn was our second child, and second girl, we did not have a baby shower or get many gifts. Most stuff I bought for her, except I do recall a pair of baby pumpkin socks my cousin bought me that I sadly gave back to her. I don't have a picture of them. I also remember a pair of black leggings my mom and I bought for her, I found them not to long ago and it made my heart hurt. One thing I do have a picture of that was a gift from my coworkers is this:
Day 26. Their Age - Adelyn was born at 41 weeks gestation, and died at 18 minutes old, although she never took a breath. She had a faint heartbeat at birth, but I am not sure if she really lived on earth. The moments she was technically "alive" (from 5:46 to 6:04 when they pronounced her dead) she was with doctors and nurses, poking her, doing CPR, putting tubes in her.....
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Capture Your Grief Day 23
Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo - I just had this sketch done right before Adelyn's first birthday. If you read my post yesterday, you can kind of see it there, but here is the image of the sketch. I saw this before the actual sketch, and as soon as I opened it, I immediately saw Sierra. Adelyn looked SO much like her. What struck me the most about this drawing, was her mouth. In the 4 photos we took of Adelyn right after she died, she has that dreadful breathing tube in her mouth. It looks awful, like death. In the photos we took at the funeral home a few days later and after her autopsy, where at least she is dressed and without the tube, she looks different, her face is swollen and her lips look dead, fake, I don't know. So I sent the person a couple different pictures to use to create this sketch. And without ever seeing our oldest daughter, it's like she drew her mouth on Adelyn. I'm sure that is exactly what Adelyn's mouth looked like, beneath the tube, because she looks so much like her big sister. Sometimes Sierra makes an expression and I see the few images of Adelyn I have in my head flash.
Here is the sketch:
This is the only "picture" I have of her that I don't hate. I can finally see her with a bow, as she would have always worn, and her little sister onesie that she never got to wear (even though it was in my hospital bag that was there with me).
Here is the sketch:
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