May 23rd

May 23, 2011 should have been one of the happiest days during my pregnancy with Coen.  It was the day of my big anatomy ultrasound.  I was so very nervous something was going to be wrong with him.  We had the ultrasound done by a high risk ob, because I had wanted to consult with one to try to figure out what happened with Adelyn.  Plus, the thing I feared most was getting an ultrasound tech who said nothing, like the one we had with Adelyn.  I wanted one who would tell us what we were looking at and that it looked normal or not normal.  I didn't want to worry for days that we would later get a phone call saying something wasn't right.

With Adelyn, the tech asked a bunch of questions, like how old I was and I can't remember what else, but didn't say why she was asking.  She never really said everything looked great either, but didn't say anything was wrong.  I only found out about the 2 vessel umbilical cord when my doctor's office called and left a message in my machine a few days later, saying they wanted to talk to me about my ultrasound but it was "nothing to worry about."  When I got the message, they were closed and I freaked out, was in tears, couldn't sleep.  I had to call back the next day and I ripped that nurse a new one - how DARE she leave that kind of message on my machine!  Obviously my file says I work, call me at work because you know your office is closed by the time any normal person gets off work.

Anyway, back to Coen's ultrasound.  I knew he was ok, but I needed to be reassured that very day that he was.  We waited awhile, but when we finally went back the tech was very nice and did just what I needed.  Went through each thing and told us it looked normal.  I said I did not want to know the gender, because deep down I knew it was a boy.  I knew if the tech told me it was a boy, I would have burst into tears right there and I would have been embarrassed at that reaction.  I could swear to you I confirmed I was right without her saying it, because something about this ultrasound looked nothing like my girls, even though I never saw boy parts.

After the ultrasound we reviewed everything, Adelyn's history and her file.  I had brought the hospital records with me and the dr. looked at them while I was getting the ultrasound.  This was difficult, to go through exactly what happened again.  He gave us his best guess as to what happened, that it was a combination of the 2 vessel cord, turning her from breech to head down and labor that caused her to die.  At one point he said that he felt like she was really a stillborn that they treated as a neonatal death, and that infuriated me.  He wasn't there, he didn't know her heart was beating strong during the whole labor.  I remember my regular ob agreeing with me when I told her he said that.

There was a lot of talk about umbilical cords.  We tried to ask if it was correct to allow the version procedure to turn her from breech to vertex, given her 2 vessel cord.  He didn't say yes or no really, just that if it wasn't safe they would not have done it.  The dr. kept comparing Adelyn to Coen, saying "this baby has a normal cord" and the chances for "this baby" to be born healthy were excellent.  Every time he said that, it was like a knife in my heart.  At that time, I didn't know Coen, I only knew he wasn't Adelyn.  Those words made me angry, like why did he get a great chance, a better chance due to all the extra monitoring, than Adelyn?  Why did she have to die so he could live?  I still wonder that, but the difference is now I know Coen for the wonderful boy he is, and so it makes a little more sense.  But it's still very confusing.

Hearing the dr. say that the version (procedure to turn babies from breech to head down) probably played a role in her death, nearly killed me that day.  I felt overwhelmingly guilty, like my selfish choice to not have a c-section killed my baby.  I know I didn't know what that outcome would be, but I couldn't help but feel at fault, at least partly. 

Of course, Coen was breech at this ultrasound.  The dr. said that if he stayed that way, he would recommend just doing a c-section this time, because he was sure I would rather do that than take the risk again.  Why didn't someone tell me that last time, I wondered.  Even though there was tons of time for Coen to turn, hearing he was breech freaked me out and made me start worrying about being in the same situation again.  Thank God I did not end up having to make that decision again, but it wasn't until the very last minute that he turned, so I worried about it for weeks.  I'm sure you remember my blogs about it last year.

I think that I spent most of the night after the appointment in tears.  I felt guilty and the appointment just brought back so many memories from Adelyn.  It was SO hard.  As if it wasn't bad enough to go through the experience of losing a full term baby, it also affected my subsequent pregnancy.  I couldn't even enjoy one of the days you look forward to in a pregnancy so much.  I remember someone asking me how my appointment went the next day, and I could barely talk about it without crying.

One year later I can happily say I am in a much better place.  Writing about that day last year did bring up a lot of hurt though.  But, I just wanted to acknowledge this date and write about it, because I hadn't let the blogging world know I was pregnant again when we had the ultrasound.