Second or Third?

I had a bunch of different posts going through my head today.  But then I went to post something on Facebook and it got me thinking.  Not the first time I have had these thoughts, but I had to stop and think of how I worded something.

I was uploading pictures to Snapfish because they  had a 25% off plus free shipping offer, which is great.  I wanted to try to upload all of Coen's pictures to date - basically his first three months worth.  I was always behind for Sierra.  I think I tried to finish before Adelyn was born, and mostly did, but then decided to do something different with the albums when I was "nesting" before Coen was born and got a bit further with printing out pictures.  I was on a roll, but had to stop ordering them since we were down to one income. 

The sale ends tonight, and there is NO way I can upload all of Coen's pictures.  Because I have over 300 just from his first month!

Most people always say parents take more pictures of their first born.  So I was going to write that whoever said parents take less pictures of their second child must be wrong, because I have over 300 of just Coen's first month.  And then I stopped - wait - he's not  my second child, but he is only the second child I got to experience bringing home and photographing.  How do I word this?  So confusing........

I changed the wording to "second or third child" and added a comment underneath about it.  It comes up a LOT in casual conversation - "my first walked at this age, my second was way earlier...."   or "the second one grows up faster and does things sooner because he watches the first one do it."   You see where it's going.  What do I say?  My first and my third?  Or do I just refer to Coen as my second because he WILL be the second one to do all these things, even though he is my third born.  I really don't know.  There have been a few times that I just said nothing because I didn't know what to say.  I think we were talking about how much faster your labor/pushing is with your second.  Mine wasn't really, I mean the labor was faster but the pushing sucked.  Again, I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about Adelyn's delivery, who wants to be reminded that babies die during it?  Coen practically fell out because he was my third..........but I didn't say that.  I said nothing and felt uncomfortable.

I thought this was supposed to get easier???

Sick

I'm sick of being sick.  I knew it would happen when I went back to work, but I didn't expect to have a lingering sort of sicknes for three weeks.  I finally got over that, and was just feeling like my normal self again last week.  And now I'm sick again .....with the same thing!  My throat is scratchy and it strains and sort of hurts to talk.  Not so great when I have to talk all day long at work.

Trevor was off sick on Friday.  Sierra has been coughing and Coen didn't sleep at the baby-sitter's much today because he was coughing.  As a result, he was miserable tonight, and it hit right at dinner time.  He was screaming, Trevor was complaining that the meat wasn't completely cooked (it was!), Sierra was asking her usual 100 questions and taking forever to eat, and of course the TV was on.  After dealing with little voices all day at work, it was way too much for me.  My head was on overload.  That is one downfall of working with kids all day......

Luckily, once Coen was bathed and fed, he went right to sleep.  Sierra was doing everything she could to avoid going to bed.  It worked for quite awhile.  First she was doing Trevor's hair then mine.  Then we had to change her doll's clothes and diapers and find beds for all of them.  I love playing that stuff with her, and it's been awhile, but of course I didn't fully enjoy it because I don't feel great and wanted to relax and get to bed early.

Not a very exciting post, but it's all I can manage tonight.  Hopefully the germs leave our house and stay gone this time.  This weather isn't helping - it keeps going from cold to like 50 degrees.  That is crazy for January!

Some People

Some people just "get it."  I'm so thankful for these people.  And I'd like to think that because of Adelyn, I am now one of those people.  I know I am, and I know this is a way that she has changed me for the better.  It's hard to believe that I would EVER say that.

Once again I am going to write about lunch.  What is it about lunchtime lately that keeps stirring stuff up?  One of my favorite coworkers - the one who made my day back in November by bringing over 3 Christmas ornaments, one for each of my children - walked in to where we eat lunch today.  I greeted her and she told me to beware, she was in a mood and having one of those days.  I instantly knew what she meant, and said I hadn't had one in a while.  She said neither had she, but that's how it is.  She at first said she wasn't sure why she was having one of those days.  We sat down with a few other teachers, and it hit me.  I remembered a death notice about another teacher who I don't really know but I know she works with a lot - his  mother passed away.  I knew that's why, because she lost her father about two years ago.  I looked at her and told her I knew why now. 

Lunch moved along, and somehow we got on the topic of a young man in the area whose body was found in the river.  Apparently one of the teacher's student teacher knew his family.  So then the conversation went to the autposy to determine how he died - it is believed he got really drunk at a concert and fell into the river.  How awful.  Someone mentioned that she heard on the news it was going to take 12-24 weeks to get the autopsy back.  Ugh - autopsies remind me of Adelyn.  That was one of the hardest days, we waited and waited for the report and when it finally came in by my 6 week check-up, going over it was so tough.  It is so graphic, and I remember feeling sick to my stomach knowing my baby girl was perfect, yet not here with us for no reason.  I wanted so badly to chime in and saw "oh yeah, I know all about autopsies, my daughter's took 7 weeks to come back and didn't tell us much anyway."  But I didn't, why I don't know.  I guess there were 2 people at lunch who don't know about Adelyn.  I guess I didn't want to be a person who could talk about her daughter's autopsy in general conversation.  But I am, unfortunately.   Here I go again, not saying anything when I could have talked about my daughter.  Why do I do this?  Afterwards I feel so bad.

Then the other people at lunch started talking about cancer and were asking my friend questions about her dad.  I wanted to scream at them - "don't you know she is having a bad day and you should not ask her those questions!!"  I knew she was barely holding it together.  But she did.

After lunch I sent her an e-mail and told her all these things.  I wrote about how last year, I probably would have ran out of there crying, but now I could just sit there and pretend to be okay, even though it still hurts just as much as it did a year ago.

The first line of her e-mail back to me? " Oh Lisa, you just get it."  Apparently, she had been thinking the exact same thing when the topic went to autopsies and wanted to ask me how long it took to get Adelyn's back, just because she wanted to know, but wasn't sure if she should.

The next class period, she popped her head in and just looked at me, threw her hands up and shook her head.  She said she just had to come down and tell me that I just get it in person.  We chatted a little bit, and I told her how I was mad at myself for not saying anything, but that there were people who didn't know.  She said she probably would have asked me that question if there weren't as many people there.  She gets it too.

And then, on my way home from work, I heard two songs that remind me of Adelyn, two songs that I consider part of my soundtrack of 2011 - The Band Perry's "If I Die Young" immediately followed by Adele's "Someone Like You." 

I have to believe that was some sort of sign from Adelyn.  As if she needs to remind me, I have been thinking about her constantly lately.  Maybe it was her way of saying, "Mommy, it's okay that you didn't talk about the autopsy in front of all those people.  You talk about it to those you are comfortable with, the rest will come."  Maybe it will, baby girl - until then, I will just keep taking baby steps.

Baptism

Coen's upcoming baptism has been one of much debate.  First, where?  We really loved the priest who married us and ended up performing Adelyn's funeral service.  We thought it would be great to have him baptize Coen, but it would have to be in the same place as Adelyn's service.  That is the only time we were in that chapel, too.  But the more I thought about it, the more I decided that if I could go to the same hospital to have him, I could go to the same chapel.  I think.....

Then there was the when....because we have an outfit that every boy in our family was baptized in, except for my twin cousins because there are two of them.  I believe the grand total is 9 boys have been baptized in it - my two first cousins and one of them has a son who wore it, my brother and my nephew, and my two "cousins-in-law" - who both have sons who were also baptized in it.  I know, a lot of boys in my family!  Poor Sierra - now you know why I am so thankful my niece was a girl and why I wanted her to have a sister so badly.  But anyway, I need Coen to fit in this outfit and it is going to be close, but we decided to chance it and make it be in February so we have time to prepare for it.

Of course who to choose for Godparents is difficult.  No one on Trevor's side is Catholic or religious or really close to us.  Can we use the same Godparents as we used for Sierra?  I feel like they should each have their own, but I can't think of anyone else who would be better.

Then there were the invitations.  I kept going back and forth but knew I needed to make them and send them out soon!  So I got Coen dressed in the outfit tonight and took a picture to use on the invitation.  And I must say, I LOVE how it turned out.  Here is a sneak peak:


I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
 1 Samuel 1:27

Looking at that face and reading those words.....I found some tears welling up in my eyes tonight.  I love this boy, thank you God and Adelyn for sending him to me.

One of Each

You know where this post is going.  I've complained about this comment before.  But it happened again.

We went out to dinner Saturday night, without the kids, for Trevor's birthday.  We went to one of those Hibachi grills, so we sat with others.  There was a girl and her mother and a couple with their two little girls.  They were maybe 4 and 7 or so.  I couldn't help but stare at them and wonder.....what would it be like to have two little girls?

We were making small talk with the couple next to us and asked if they went there a lot.  We said we went every now and again but it was hard to get out with small kids.  Next question of course was how old are your kids?  Trevor answered, "our daughter is 3.5 and our son is 3 months."  They said congratulations on the new baby and then THE comment, with a new twist - "oh one of each, so are you done then?"  I nodded immediately and Trevor just yes.  The lady commented on how quickly I nodded my head.  Really it was not because I am the one who for sure doesn't want any  more kids - I wouldn't rule out having one more a few years from now, but I am also just fine with not having any more (for the record, Trevor says absolutely no more).    I quickly answered because I was worried Trevor was going to say something about Adelyn.  And now I feel guilty about it (I told you every single type of guilt is swarming around me right now). 

I hate it so much - no matter how I answer, it is uncomfortable.  If I leave Adelyn out, I feel SO guilty.  If I bring her up, then it is awkward and people don't look at me the same.  What to do????  I don't think there will ever be an answer to that question.

Guilt

I had planned to write a completely different post today, but no the guilt had to creep in.  I hate guilt, it is such a horrible feeling.  Unfortunately, it is also a common feeling for me lately.  Today, every single type of guilt that is possible made its ugly way into my head.

Mommy guilt- the most common type for me.  I feel like I never have time to enjoy my kids.  I vow daily to care less about everything else and just spend some quality time with them.  Yet, there are things that have to get done - such as laundry, cleaning up the dog hairs, dishes, cooking, getting things ready for the next work day, etc.  During the work week, I only have 4 hours to do all those things, and on the weekends I am usually playing catch up.  I so often find myself putting something on TV for Sierra and plopping Coen in his bouncy seat in front of the TV or in his swing so I can complete these things, and I feel SO guilty.  When I am spending time with the kids, either I am feeding Coen or maybe eating a meal with Sierra.  Rarely do I actually play with them like I would like.  I want to, but then I am so tired from completing daily, necessary chores, that I just want to relax in quiet.  Then I feel even more guilty that once again, I didn't play with them as much as I wanted.  What a cycle.....

Going along with Mommy guilt is the more specific Sierra guilt.  I miss Sierra and mommy time.  I miss getting her ready in the morning, giving her baths, letting her do my hair or playing baby dolls with her.  I absolutely love all these girly things, and I will never get to do them again. She's growing up so fast, I don't want to miss out on all this stuff.  Yet lately, I feel like I am.  I am so busy feeding Coen every 3-4 hours, changing his diaper, changing clothes from spit up or diaper explosions, washing stupid pump parts twice a day....you get the idea.  I feel like I have no time for her and it kills me.  Her daddy gets her up and ready in the morning, and there are quite a few of them where she is crabby and doesn't want to get up.  This leads to crying at 6:45 am, while I am downstairs feeding Coen.  Many times I hear her yelling "I want mommy" in between the tears, and it breaks my heart not to run to her and scoop her up in a big hug.  Not that magically that would make her stop crying, sometimes I think kids always want the other parent - but seriously I have yet to hear her say "I want daddy."  Whoever said little girls are all daddy's girls - well, so far that's not the case with Sierra.  It just seems like right now, I end up taking care of Coen more and Trevor gets Sierra.  It just makes sense, since I am the only one who can feed him and most nights his before bed feeding is right during bath time for Siera, so I miss that as well.  Which leads to me always getting to do Coen's baths, because it hurts Trevor's back and it's only fair.  I know it will get easier when Coen is bigger and easier to take care of - sorry to any men reading but I just think women are better at dealing with little babies.  Yet, I don't want to wish away his baby-hood, since he will be our last baby and I love babies.

Let's move along to wife guilt - today is Trevor's birthday and he had to go into work.  I felt so bad, but he had to fix all these mistakes other people made that are on him.  It's hard to relax and enjoy your day when you are worried about something.  Then we were going to go over my parents' house for dinner, but he didn't get home till 5 and I had not been able to get a lot of stuff done around the house with him at work.  I had to finish laundry, wash dishes, vaccum....plus get all our stuff ready for the next day of work.  I had planned originally on meeting him over there and stopping on the way to pick up a coconut cream pie for him, his favorite.  Well when things got all messed up and we didn't go, we were both in crappy moods.  And I felt SO guilty that he didn't even get a good meal on his birthday, and not even a cake.  Since we had planned to go to my parents, I didn't have anything set out.

And now we have work guilt - do I really give my best effort while at work when I would MUCH rather be home with my kids?  Most days I am exhausted, I stay up till about 11 because I need time to relax and then I have to pump before bed and wash the parts so they are ready for the next morning.  I dread it, procrastinate, and end up staying up later than I should.  I get up every morning at 5.  It's so tiring, I was playing catch up for awhile, but I still need to get better organized as far as planning therapy activities. It would help if I didn't have a meeting every single morning! 

I even have dog-owner guilt - I love my dog so, so much.  But I feel like I neglect him because I barely have time to take care of myself these days.  He has not had a bath since before Coen was born, or even a brush or a nail trim.  His nails are so long, but it's so cold to go outside and trim them.  In the summer, I wash him outside with the hose.  But in the winter I take him to get groomed - because I refuse to bathe him in the bathtub and then clean it all out, plus the dog smell never quite goes away.  Taking him to get groomed is a big ordeal with two little kids, especially when one is a baby who nurses every 3-4 hours.  I have to plan my trips out, because I don't like giving him bottles on weekends or nights - more work for me because then I have to pump and wash it all.

I even have a bit of daughter guilt, because we cancelled on dinner at the last minute.  And because I feel like my parents are constantly helping me out and what do I do for them?  I feel like I just take and take and rarely give back, but I don't have much left to give at the end of a work week.  I can't even imagine what it would be like if we didn't have them around to help us though.

So yes, the guilt is eating me alive today.  It feels a little better now that I got it out, and now that both kids are in bed, the laundry is done, the house is vacuumed, and lunches are packed for tomorrow.  Let's just hope I get all 50 some of my progress reports written on clerical day tomorrow..........

Caught Up

Dare I say it, but finally I am caught up at work.  Meaning, all 50 some students that I see have up to date files, with the right goals on their progress sheets and all the data transferred into Excel spreadsheets.  Now it is all ready for me to write 50 some progress reports Monday on clerical day.  Ugh.  I loathe the end of each 9 weeks, because it means tons of paperwork.  I am glad we get a clerical day at the end of the semester, especially because I was so behind that I haven't started any yet.  But I really hate sitting in front of a computer all day - I am just  not cut out for that kind of work.  I can't focus - I get bored.  I need people to talk to!

Speaking of work stuff, let's go back to Wednesday.  On Wednesdays, I have a window in the room I use for speech, which is quite rare.  Usually the speech therapists get old closets to use.  Actually, this room is probably a storage room because it does not run off the same heat that the rest of the building is on and gets quite cold.  So anyway, as I was working with some students and looking out the window, it started to snow.  Beautiful, big snowflakes that were hitting against the window.  It was so pretty I wanted to capture it on my phone camera, but I decided it would not be a great example to set for my students - getting out my phone and taking a picture in the middle of a lesson.  So I refrained myself, and by the time the kids left, it stopped snowing.  It made me think of Adelyn and all the babies in heaven, since I have heard that snowflakes are kisses sent from heaven.  At the hosptial memorial service we attended for Adelyn back in December (which I never got to write about because it was right when I went back to work and things were crazy), we received a snowflake ornament that says "babies are unique, just like snowflakes."  I was excited that they had pink ones :)  So now snowflakes remind me of Adelyn too.

Today at work, I was drilling a student on the "s" sound and the word that came up was "same."  She was to make up her own sentence and she said "_________" and "_______" look the same.  I recognized the one name as her sister's name, but the other I wasn't sure of.  It doesn't help that this student's speech is very hard to understand.  So I asked, and she told me it was her sister who died.  Then she said that sister is (not was) 12 and talked about her for a minute.  I will add that I am pretty sure her sister died before she was born, but I'm not sure.  I did ask her about her sister, but again, she is so hard to understand I didn't get it all.  And then somehow dogs came up, and she told me that when her last dog died, she thinks he saw her sister in heaven.  I really almost cried.  What a sweet child.  In that moment, I vowed that my (living) children will be just like her - not afraid to speak of their deceased sister and proudly talk about her like this student.

Today was a good day at work.  I wore a pair of prepregnancy pants - not my "fat" pants as I call them that I bought to get me through those in-between weeks, but regular pants.  Maybe they were not the most comfortable, but they did button!  Yay!  I even had enough energy to take my poor neglected dog for a very short walk around the block before I picked up the kids.  This of course was brought on by a talk during lunch about that topic.  It's so hard to take good care of a dog on top of everything else.  Just add it to my mommy guilt that I don't walk him enough or that I rush him to go outside and do his business faster because I am always hurrying to get something else done.  Ahhh....but my dog is my first baby and I love him so much.

And now for the best part of this post - Coen's 3 month picture that I could not get to load last week.  Cutest hat ever! And the baby wearing it is just a little cute too!

Baby Talk

Last week, I was in the teacher's lounge for lunch and talking to a teacher who is pregnant and due soon.  She goes to the same group of doctors as I did.  Turns out she had to start getting nonstress tests, and as soon as she said that, it was like a flashback to when I was pregnant with Coen.  I commented out loud about it, and she said she thought of me when she had to do it.  I mentioned the poem on the wall and she immediately knew the exact one I was talking about - I wrote about it here.  It actually made me sad that I am done with all that, because it is so exciting for her.  I tend to forget how hard it was for me sometimes because of the happy ending we got.  Anyway, the conversation went to full blown pregnancy/labor/baby talk - and I sat there and participated like it was nothing.  That is something that I never would have been able to do, if it wasn't for having Coen.  Thank you baby boy!!  However, it still feels a little uncomfortable because I tend to talk about Sierra and Coen's pregnancies and deliveries, but not Adelyn.  I guess I feel like talking about a baby who died during labor isn't the nicest thing to do in front of a pregnant woman.  But yet that is one of the few things that I have to talk about for Adelyn.  I can't talk about when she smiled or laughed or walked.  Only about when I was pregnant with her or when she was born.  I even hesitate to talk about how fast Coen was born because he was my third baby.  I hate that, why can't I just say it and not care if it makes others uncomfortable? Even at lunch at a different school last week, a teacher asked to see my Pandora charms. When she saw the little girl charm my husband got me on Adelyn's birthday, she said oh now you need the little boy for Coen. Actually I need another girl AND a boy because you see I have three kids not two. I didn't say that but I thought it. Instead I told her that my husband got it for me on Adelyn's birthday and explained the rest of my charms. All three kids' birthstones, the Angel of hope and a charm that says hope. A lot for adelyn actually. So you see, something so simple can be so much more for me.

So yes, I can talk about babies and pregnancies now, but some things are still hard for me.  I saw some pictures of a few pregnant friends on Facebook.  I am not sure if I can put into words how things like that make me feel.  I don't have a meltdown or cry even, but my heart hurts a little.  I guess deep down I am just a little jealous that they can enjoy their pregnancies so naively.  Take pictures of their bellies, of the nurseries waiting for babies to come home to, being able to assume that their babies will come home.  I know that I did get to do this, with a fairytale ending that is Sierra.  But seeing that kind of stuff, it reminds me of coming home to a nursery with every single detail ready - diapers, wipes, clothes hung in the closet, clean sheets and changing tables - but no baby.  I thought that having a rainbow baby would make those feelings go away, but it didn't.  It helped a lot, but it still hurts.

Another thing that still hurts, is hearing about someone having a second daughter.  That happened today.  I felt my heart sink - and I can only try to explain why.  Mostly because it takes me back to finding out we were having a second daughter, and all the hopes and dreams that instantly came with that, and how we never got to live those out.  It's because I will always long to raise another daughter, because I thought I was going to get to, but I didn't.  It's because I wanted Sierra to have a sister to grow up with, to giggle with and play dolls with.  It is NOT because I wish Coen had been a girl.  Did I hope that before he was born - yes, more than anything.  I prayed and pleaded for a third daughter.  Did I care that he was a boy the moment I saw him?  No.  Would I change him?  Not a chance.  Just wanted to clear that up in case it sounded that way, because I love my little boy just the way he is, but at the same time I wish my second daughter was here also.

One thing I will say, is that I cannot imagine that all those happy, naive pregnant women or new moms will ever be able to appreciate their babies as much as someone who lost one.  I can't see how it is possible...... Both my living kids have helped me heal in completely different ways, and that is a special bond that we share.

Everywhere

Last weekend I took down Adelyn's Christmas tree.  It made me sad because I felt like now I had nothing in my house that symbolized her.  First I had her wreath on the front door for the whole month of September, then I had the pink "HOPE" pumpkin on the dining room table for October and November, and then I had her pink tree.

So I started thinking......now what?  Valentine's Day means roses - typically red roses - but pink roses for Adelyn, since that is her flower.  I went to Michael's last weekend to return something I didn't use when I made her Christmas candle, and I came across a wreath made out of pink roses in the shape of a heart.  Of course I did not have my coupon with  me, and I refuse to buy anything full price there.  I figured I would go back the next day or during the week with my coupon and get it.

Today was the first chance I had to get back there, of course.  Having a newborn, especially when nursing, makes it very hard to get out.  And you know what - the wreath was all sold out :(  I was so sad, I really wanted it!

The week between my first visit to Michael's when I saw the wreath and my visit today, I started thinking of projects I could do.  I decided somehow that I wanted to make a centerpiece for my dining room table.  Not sure why, since it is always covered in junk and we never use it, but there just isn't enough room in our kitchen for one.  I decided it would have pink roses, hearts, and whatever else I found.

Today I had about an hour and a half to run a few errands.  First, I went in the Dollar Store to buy cards.  I was looking for a card for my mother-in-law and husband, both have birthdays in the next week.  The one I bought for her had lit candles, which reminded me of Adelyn.  I almost got one that had rainbows on it, but I didn't like the wording.  The selection wasn't great this trip, so I didn't find a card I liked for my husband, but I did find one for him for Valentine's Day, and it has one pink rose on the front.  I always check out the thank you cards when I am there, you can't beat the price and we will be needing some for Coen's baptism.  That always reminds me of when I bought the sympathy thank you cards, which were right next to the baby thank you cards.  They  have different ones now, but they have been the same ones the last few trips.  Every time I think about how I wish they would have had those ones when I bought them because I really like them.  But I'm glad I don't need them anymore!

So then I walked about Michael's and everything there seemed to remind me of Adelyn.  Pink roses and flowers, butterflies, a candle holder in the shape of a pink rose, so many little things that said faith, hope, and/or love on them (garden stones, tables, little pots) .  I even found a little Valentine angel.  They  had large storage boxes with roses and butterflies, I almost bought one to put all of Adelyn's things in, but I still am not sure what to do with them - as in combine them into one or keep them as is.  I was looking in the dollar bins while waiting in line and the notecards I picked up had pink roses on them.  I can't explain the feeling, I just know that somehow I felt her presence.  All over that store.

I found so many things I wanted!  I only bought two pink rose bouquets, a little rock with flowers that says hope ( I may put it on  my desk at work, not sure yet), and the Valentine angel that says "love you."  I have lots of vases already from flowers I have received, and somewhere I have little red glass hearts that I want to put in the vase.  I'm not sure how this is going to turn out, hopefully how I see it in my head.  I really haven't a clue how I am going to find time to make this though!

And here I go again, starting another project before finishing the other 100 I have!  I do seem to finish my Adelyn projects though, once I have an idea in my head for her I won't stop until it turns out just like I want it.  I guess since I can't do anything else for her, it's kind of my way of "parenting" her.

Hopefully I will have pictures of the completed project sometime soon!

3 Months!

Coen is three months old today.  Where does the time go??  He is starting to actually do things now, which is fun.  I love babies around this age, so I am trying to enjoy every second while looking forward to all the milestones and fun stuff he will be doing in the next few months.

The best thing Coen does now is smile!  I have had a hard time catching one, but he smiles a lot.  Now he smiles when you look at him or talk to him and that is great.  It is seriously the best thing ever.  Baby smiles can pull you out of any sort of bad mood!  They are addicting - once he starts smiling, we will just stare at him and keep trying to get him to smile.  I love it. 

He has also started cooing and making noises.  One night, Trevor was sticking his tongue out and Coen watched him and was trying really hard to do it, too.  He has even tried to blow raspberries - sometimes he is successful!  Lately Coen has been trying to get his whole fist in his mouth - which leads to  lots of drool.  Sometimes I swear he just spits!  I really hope he doesn't have to wear bibs all the time like Sierra did around this age.

I wish I could take Coen in just to see how much he weighs and how long he is!  I hate not having exact measurements for his baby book.  My estimates say between 12 and 13 lbs and around 24-25 inches.  It is hard to tell, but I weighed myself (UGH) and then weighed myself holding him, and the difference was about 12 lbs.  I'm not so sure because he was 11.5 last month and seemed to have grown since then, but then again lately I feel like he hasn't as much - he doesn't feel as heavy to me.  Maybe I am just used to him.  He does still fit in 0-3 month clothes though, so my estimates are probably right.  I hope he stays in that size for a little while longer, because he still has some he hasn't worn.  Although with the way he poops through outfits, it is a good thing he has so many!

Coen has been sleeping through the night pretty regularly this past month.  Of course last night he woke up at 12 and I am so tired today because he started fussing just as I was going to bed.  Hoping it was a fluke because I need my sleep, especially with all these germs floating around.  I feel like I'm getting sick again.  Really?!

Hmm, I can't seem to post a picture right now :(  Check back later because I took some really cute ones tonight.

The Sountrack of 2011

You know how certain songs remind you of certain events?  Well, I feel like ever since Adelyn died, music has taken on a whole different level.  There are so many songs that will forever be linked to so many moments for this year.  Some of them are so funny or random, I had to share.  Mostly for myself to remember.

I think that the first part of 2011 is a blur of grief and emotions.  The first song that I remember attaching a memory to is The Band Perry, "If I Die Young".  I heard it for the first time on American Idol, and quickly became attached to it.  My favorite lyrics are these:
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song" -I really don't think I need to explain why these remind me of Adelyn, especially since it was around the time we were expecting our rainbow

A song that will always make me smile and bring a happy memory - Rihanna's "S & M."  I was jamming to it in the car one day and Sierra was with me.  For some reason she thought when the song says "sex in the air" that it really was saying Sierra!  I got a good laugh about that one.  I also realized I better watch what I am listening to!

A completely different song to touch my emotions was Adele "Someone Like You."  I'm not sure why, but the mood of the song just matched mine for most of August and September, right when it was always on the radio.  And a few of the lines:
"Don't forget me"
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" -because it hurt so badly to lose her
 "You know how time flies only yesterday was the time of our lives" -this made me think of when I was pregnant with her and so happy, and now I was pregnant again but it was so different
"Nothing compares, No worries or cares, Regrets and mistakes, They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" - especially that last part about it being bittersweet.

On to a very random song.  This song will always remind me of our trip to Erie, that turned out to be a disaster. Sierra thought this song was funny, and Trevor and I couldn't figure out the lyrics. And somehow it became "Daddy's song" to Sierra.  It seems to come on a lot when we are in the car, and we turn it up and sing and laugh. Yes, another song with horrible lyrics.  What am I doing to my kid?

This song was all over the radio right before Coen was born, and so it will always remind me of that time.  Of those moments when I felt hopeful and excited about his birth. They were rare, but they did start to appear towards the end.  The only lyric of this song that makes sense is "This time I'm not leaving without you."  It's Lady Gaga's "You and I".  I still think of those moments when I hear it.  I think I was trying to get myself geared up by thinking I wasn't leaving that hospital again without my baby - and I didn't.

And finally, I think this is our theme song for 2011 - another Rihanna song - "We Found Love".  Because a lot of 2011 was spent in a hopeless place, but by the end of it, "we found love in a hopeless place."

And those are the random songs that will forever remind me of 2011 - the happy, the sad, the hopeful, and the grief of my year. 

One of Those Days

Thursday was one of those days. I apologize for boring you or sounding like I am complaining but I want to write about my day. Because bad days make us appreciate the good ones even more. And because someday I think I will laugh about it.

My day started at 4 am when Coen woke up crying. He has not woken up at night for weeks, so we were surprised. Trevor tried to put him back to sleep without me feeding him, but didn't work. I didn't want to feed him too much and mess with the routine but at the same time I just wanted to go back to sleep ASAP. So I fed him and then of course he pooped and it went all up the back of his diaper and got all over his pajamas. So there I was at 4 am, spraying Dreft and cleaning poop stains out of pajamas. I should have known how the day would go.

By the time I was done, it was 5, which is when I get up anyway. I sat on the edge of my bed, looking at the clock, knowing I could not go back to sleep, but knowing if I laid down I would fall right back asleep.  I knew it would be a long day.

Trevor got Sierra up at about 6:45.  She wasn't happy and was crying while he got her ready. I was downstairs feeding Coen but I could hear her crying. I hate that, it makes me feel so guilty that I can't run to her.  Like that would magically make her stop crying - but still.  I was always the one who got her up and ready last year.  It makes me want to cry to hear her cry.  She was fine by the time I dropped her off though, thankfully.

I am still getting into the groove at work, but I still feel so unorganized.  I never get to use my preps to prepare for students or do the paperwork I hate so much - I have either had meetings or use my prep to pump.  I've got to figure something else out, because it is majorly stressing me out to not be organized and to not be doing the best job I feel I can and should do.

The one good part of my day was when somehow the topic of siblings came up and this one student corrected me and said that she has two sisters but one died.  I knew this, but the fact that she always comes right out and says it has a whole different meaning to me now.  Then she told me how her sister would be 12 and they still sing happy birthday to her every year.

By the end of the day, it was piling up.  Then my last student of the day literally yelled at me the entire 30 minute session.  "I don't want to!"  "I don't get it!"  Oh my.  This student is in Kindergarten, mind you.  His speech is really bad, but how can I help him when I get this kind of reaction every time I try to?  Wow.  The entire school heard it and at one point the principal even came in to help.  It worked, for a few minutes anyway.  I feel bad for the kid, actually.

After this, I wanted to sit on the floor and cry I was so frustrated.  I needed to get more work done, but I also needed to get home to feed Coen and be with my own kids.  Of course my kids won and I left instead of getting more work done, but I was stressed about it.

I got home to a huge pile of cat puke in the family room.  Nice.  I hurried up and let the dog out before rushing over to pick up the kids.  Coen had pooped through two outfits, one even went through to his snowsuit!  More work for me.  The baby-sitter forgot to put a pull up on Sierra during naptime and so of course this would be the day she peed everywhere while napping. I found it a little bit funny, but it was more laundry for me.

As soon as I walked in, Sierra started with "I don't want to leave.  I'm still playing."  This time nothing helped and she would not listen.  I tried putting her boots on and she kicked them off.  She was just screaming and wouldn't stand up at all.  I didn't know what to do, so I put her coat on, picked up her boots, and carried her across the street.  There was no way I could carry all 30 pounds of her, plus the car seat with Coen in it, and their bags.  And Sierra's doll Rosie, too.  So I plopped her in the front door and ran back over to get Coen.  When I got back home she was still sitting right by the front door.  After about 10 minutes, she cheered up and cooperated.  I got the cat puke cleaned up too.  Always good to do that before Trevor sees it, because one of these days he is going to find a new home for our cat if she keeps it up.

Trevor was in his month end closing this week so wasn't getting home until 8.  Of course he was rightfully in a rotten mood all week on top of it all.  Thankfully he got home sooner that night and things turned around. Except when he found cat puke on our bed - yuck.

Luckily Friday went much better on all accounts! The kids at work were good and Sierra came home willingly.  She didn't even give me a hard time about getting ready for dance class!  We got to see her costume for the recital and it is so cute - purple and frilly and comes with a teddy bear wearing the same outfit.  How perfect!

By Friday night, my house looked like a bomb went off on it.  Dishes in the sink, papers and mail all over the kitchen table, toys everywhere, shoes and boots and bookbags and diaper bags piled by the front door.  Instead of worrying about it, I laid on the couch after the kids went to bed and watched Grey's Anatomy.  This episode really got to me.  When they showed Teddy in the morgue with Henry's body, it instantly took me back to seeing Adelyn the day after she died.  That is not a good memory, and I found myself crying for the first time in awhile.  It made me miss her so much.

Like so many Meredith Grey quotes, this one spoke to me - "You can't prepare for a sudden impact.  You can't brace yourself.  It just hits you out of nowhere.  And suddenly, the life you knew before is over.  Forever."

How true is that?  Seeing that scene where Teddy looks at her dead husband's body, was like a sudden impact to me.  It brought the pain back.  Just like losing Adelyn was a sudden impact, a VERY sudden impact.  And the life we knew before that moment IS over, forever.

Christmas Break

I can't believe it's over.  I spent the majority of it sick.  I knew it would happen as soon as I went back to work.  I did not think it would last 2 weeks.  I wasn't so sick that I could't do anything, just sick enough to not feel 100%.  I don't know what this thing was, but it was annoying.  Every morning I woke up with a headache, no energy, and just didn't feel like myself.  The best way I can describe it is feeling hung over, despite the fact that I hadn't drank the night before.

I'm frustrated that I didn't get to check much off my to-do list because I didn't feel well.  But at the same time, if I had to get sick I guess it was good timing since I have no sick days left for the rest of the school year.

Things I DID accomplish: Christmas decorations are put away.  Well, in the bins ready to go in the attic.  All but Adelyn's tree and ornaments.  Partly because I ran out of time, partly because it makes me sad to take it down.  I decided this year that I am going to put her ornaments, candles, wreath, and anything else I have in a container under my bed.  I'm too afraid an ornament will break or the candle will melt.  I think I am ready to move her memory boxes there as well.

Why under our bed?  Because as of now, there is nothing under it!  I cleaned out my closets and gave about 5 bags of clothes to Goodwill.  I haven't worn regular clothes in so long, I think some were outdated.  Ha ha.  Others I was never going to fit back into, no matter how hard I try.  But I did get a pair of prematernity pants buttoned tonight.  Yay!  Now, it's not comfortable and doesn't look pretty, but with the sweater I am wearing you cannot see the muffin top.  I sure hope I find time to exercise because I am not liking how my belly looks and feels right now.  I know I just had two babies in two years, but that makes me all the more impatient to get my body back.  It's about time!

In the process of going through  my clothes, I came across the shirt I was wearing when I went to the hospital in labor with Adelyn.  It was the last of my maternity clothes hanging there, the rest I cleared out a few weeks ago.  I did move it to the back of the closet, and that was as much as I could manage.  It didn't make me sick to my stomach, but it did make me sad.  I think one day I will put it with Adelyn's things.  While it is not a good memory - but what is - it is a memory nonetheness and those are rare when it comes to Adelyn so I will save it.  Plus I just can't bear the thought of someone else wearing it.  The rest of my maternity clothes I gave to my neighbor to borrow because she is pregnant.  We have been trading maternity clothes for the past 3 years!  I think this is the final trade though.

And so Christmas break is over and it's back to work.  I better get to bed, because 5 am is going to come too quickly.  Especially since all of us have been sleeping in till 8 - Coen included.  Over break he started sleeping about 11 hours a night.  Pretty good for a 2.5 month old - but just  like his big sister!

Good night!  I have many more posts started in my  head, so hopefully I find time to write them out this week as I adjust - again - to being a working mom.

New Year's Day Poem

The Year Before Last

Author Unknown

The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...

the year before last?

2011

I wanted to write this post on the last day of 2011, but I never got to it.  I only missed it by 30 minutes or so!

I'm not sure how I feel about the year 2011.  I guess if I had to describe it in one word, it would be bittersweet.  To say it was the hardest year of my life would be an understatement.  Yes, 2010 was difficult because my baby died that year.  But she also lived that year - the first 9 months of 2010 were some of the best of my life, at least at the time.  Now those moments that brought me so much joy make my heart sink when I think of them.

2011 however - the first entire calendar year without Adelyn.  She never lived at all this year.  But she did live in my heart and in so many others' hearts as well.

Grieving Adelyn while being pregnant with Coen - I can't even desribe how hard that was for me.  Everything about my pregnancy with Coen felt so bittersweet.  Ultrasounds, doctors telling me everything looked perfect, nonstress tests, even maternity clothes.  They all brought back memories of Adelyn.  They reminded me of how naive and happy I was when I was pregnant with her, and how I did NOT feel that way this time.  And then I felt guilty about how I was feeling, and also about having another baby so soon.  I felt like once I had another baby, everyone would forget Adelyn.

And so all those emotions going through my head, not to mention the physical discomfort of back to back pregnancies, the hormones - it was a tough year.

2011 was full of hurt and pain, but also hope and healing.

2011 also brought probably the greatest moment of my life - seeing Coen for the first time, hearing him cry, holding him, finally allowing myself to love him.

The same year that  brought some of the most difficult moments of my life, also gave me one of the best moments.  Go figure.  That's why 2011 will always be very bittersweet for me.

Here's to 2012 - hoping it brings us more sweet and less bitter moments.  Although I know there will always be bittersweet moments in our lives, as we continue moving forward, living - but remembering our sweet baby girl who isn't here with us at the same time.  Maybe the new year will help us learn how to balance it all even better. That's a tough task.

Something about New Year's makes me miss Adelyn more.  Maybe holding it together through Christmas, maybe another year passing since I held her, I don't know.  I thought about her all day today, and missed her. 

Happy New Year Adelyn!  Every new year is one year closer to holding you again in Heaven.  We love you baby girl.