Little Things

Little things in life - they can make you or break you. I try not to sweat the small stuff, which I think I have definitely gotten better at since Adelyn died. Because now, in the scheme of things, how much of it really matters when my baby is not here with me? Do I really care if the trim in our bedroom is cream and not white? No!! Unfortunately, my husband does. But I won't go there in this post!

On the other side of it, sometimes little things can really make me day. Little things excite me! This week, there seemed to be many little things that both made me smile and made me want to cry.

Let's start with the bad ones first!
~Another baby girl birth announcement at work. Yep, I would have to say that is at least the 7th girl born IN A ROW to teachers in my district since November. Not ONE boy. Every time, it makes my heart hurt for my baby girl. Again, I don't wish my co-workers to lose their babies, but hearing of a baby girl who lives makes me miss mine and wish she was here so much more. And no one seems to understand really. They just comment that you cannot control our peoples lives. Yes, I know. Doesn't make it hurt less though.
~Had a meeting with this 8th grade student's mother, who is YOUNGER than me. Yes, this means she was about 14 when she had her. Yikes! Certainly explains a lot about this student. Anyway, the mother is pregnant again and was complaining about it. Yeah....you are barking up the wrong tree lady. I hate when people are not grateful for the gift the have growing in their belly.
~Potty training. Need I say more. Why can't Sierra seem to make it an entire day without an accident? I am so frustrated! She wants to do it, so it's not like I am pushing her.
~We took Sierra swing set shopping Saturday. There were two little girls about 4 and 2 or so playing together. I saw the future I never get to have flash in front of me.
~There was also this cute little girl climbing up right behind Sierra and so I started talking to her dad. He asked how old Sierra was, then I asked how old his daughter was - 2 1/2. We started talking about how funny they are at that age. Then his wife walked over with a stroller - actually the same exact one we had for Sierra. I didn't look too closely, but I saw baby and a pink blanket. Two little girls, about the age mine should be. And so I could not stop thinking about it the rest of the time we were there.
~Mommy guilt. I find it so hard to balance everything. My husband has been wanting me to drop Sierra off at my parents' house so we could go out, but I don't like to be away from her while I am working, especially not now. But I gave in because I have to be a wife and a mommy. I sure missed her terribly.
~We went out to dinner Saturday night without her. It was nice, but it took 3 stops to find a place that did not have an hour wait. Serves us right for going out last minute on a Saturday night, but what else is new. As we were leaving the restaurant, a little girl about the same age as Sierra wearing a tutu skirt was walking in between her parents. They were lifting her up and it reminded me of what we do with Sierra. It made me smile....until they walked further and I noticed the dad was also carrying an infant car seat in his other hand. There went the smile. My heart sank, again. Why did it seem every family I saw that day had a girl about Sierra's age and a baby? But not us.
~The weather was SO beautiful today. But for some reason, it put me in a worse mood. I couldn't help thinking about being outside with my girls. Adelyn would be almost 6 months now, one of my favorite ages. It made me miss her SO MUCH today.
~Sierra threw a HUGE fit when I came to pick her up a few times this week. She did not want to leave the baby-sitter's house. I wish she would run to me and give me a big hug after not seeing me all day. Nope. Not unless she got in trouble with the baby-sitter!
~I have a cold :(

And now some of the little things that made me smile.
~I had to drop something off at the special education office on Thursday. The secretary loves kids and has pictures of the staff's kids everywhere. Also one of the reasons I avoided going down there for awhile. She does, at least I think, have a soft spot for Sierra. She told me that everyone who comes in says how cute Sierra is and asks whose she is.
~Same office, same day. Our Christmas card is hanging on the wall. I made stickers with Adelyn's footprints to use to seal the envelopes. She saved it and stuck it on the wall right next to our card. That really made my heart happy.
~Sierra's St. Patrick's Day shirt from last year still fit her this year! Her baby-sitter had her face painted all cute when I picked her up that day.
~My neighbor with the baby - someday I will blog about the whole story, I've just been so busy. Anyway, she knew it was going to be nice out and sent me an e-mail because she knew her kids were going to be asking to go outside. It was so nice of her to think of me. I told her that I would be fine if they were out, seeing the stroller was not going to cause me a meltdown anymore. I actually did go over to pick Sierra up when the baby was there, but she had her in the stroller and in the other neighbor's driveway when I got there so I did not have to see her.
~I actually had a conversation with the other mom whose kids go to Sierra's baby-sitter who is due anytime now. I actually asked her about when she was due and when her last day of work was and what hospital she was delivering at. It was a big step for me, and it felt good after I did it. At least I am prepared now.
~Sierra, while sitting on the potty, pointed to her brown skirt and said "look Mommy, my skirt is brown, and poop is brown too, just like your hair." It made me laugh out loud.
~Sierra has taste just like me. While swing set shopping, she walked up to the most expensive one (and we are talking a $7,000 swing set - who buys that?) and said "Mommy, I want this one." Sorry honey! You'll have to get a job to get that one!
~One of my favorite students colored a St. Patrick's Day picture and gave it to me. Then he said "this is for you. You deserve good luck." Aw.
~My kindergarten kids - they get to excited every time I go get them for their sessions. They are too cute. If I can fix the one girl's speech, I will really feel a big sense of accomplishment. It's so awful!
~Seeing the pictures of Adelyn's well :)
~Probably the "little" thing that made my week - at Adelyn's service, we had a pink mini rose bush next to her urn. Pink roses remind me of her. I wanted something that would not die. So, I brought it home and put in in my window above my kitchen sink. I watered it faithfully, but it started to look dead during winter. I thought for sure it was dead, but maybe it just did that in winter like all rosebushes do, even though it was inside. But this week, it started growing new leaves. Green leaves. And they continued. It is ALIVE. It made me SO happy. New life.....a sign of what's to come? I hope!