New Year, Heavy Heart

I have been looking forward to 2011 for awhile. A fresh start, a new beginning....HOPE. I had it in my mind that 2011 HAS to be a better year. How could it be worse?

So I find it odd that today I am struggling. My heart just feels so heavy. I feel so sad. I hate days like this. The only good thing about today is that we all slept in till almost 10!

Sierra was cranky most of the day - refused to eat breakfast, kicked and fought me trying to get her to nap. As any parent of a 2-year-old knows, this is trying enough. But when you add grief to the mix, it's almost impossible to deal with. Just making it through a day like today is difficult enough, but trying to deal with a cranky 2-year-old - whew. My patience is slim, I'm tired, I don't feel so great, and I don't feel like doing anything but so much needs done.

One of the things that bothered me today was a photo on Facebook. I had to hide this one friend's posts - she is pregnant with a girl and it just hurt to read her posts, and see the weekly ticker of how her baby is developing. Ugh. I accidentally came across her new album today. There was a picture of her little family, with the caption something like "next year there will be more of us." And it just STUNG. I wanted to write, "yeah that's what I thought" or "don't assume this so soon." Of course I didn't. But I think this is what fueled my sadness today. Oddly enough, I am not sad (today) that Adelyn isn't here. In a lot of ways, I feel that I've accepted it. I KNOW she's in a better place. I have met so many other wonderful women who have lost babies, and I know Adelyn is with their precious babies in heaven. That comforts me. I think what I am sad about is my own loss of innocence. I want to feel blissfully happy about pregnancy again - my own future one (hopefully) and other people's too. I just don't know that I will ever be able to happily discuss pregnancy again. It just hurts.

I go back and forth between wanting another baby NOW and feeling like I am just not ready. I'm not sure I will ever be ready. I just know that time is ticking, Sierra is getting older, and so are we. Some days the thought gives me hope. Other days - like today - I feel hopeless. Like it's going to take a long time to happen, and as time ticks by I watch other people who had their first babies at the same time or after Sierra add chubby, smiling babies to their Christmas cards or photographs. My photographs still have only one kid. Granted, she's much cuter than anyone else's kid :) But....a little chubby baby was supposed to be in those pictures with her, and so she looks lonely to me, even though I know she's not. She's a happy little girl, too young to really understand. For that I am thankful.

I guess really today I am dreaming - of the future, of happiness, of hopefully adding another baby to our family in 2011. But, I am dreaming with a broken heart.

My hope for 2011 is that my dreams come true, thus mending my broken heart. There will always be a scar on my heart for Adelyn, but over time it won't hurt as much as it does now, so broken and fresh.