Alone Time

Today I went shopping by myself for the first time in....I don't know. I dropped Sierra off at my parents' house and Trevor got some alone time too. I was looking for bargains. I need new clothes so badly, but I refuse to pay $40 for a long sleeve shirt. I found two sweaters that are not very exciting, but they were cheap. I also found two ornaments for Adelyn's tree, which excited me. One just says "baby girl" in all pastels, mostly pinks, and the other is a silver star with the word "hope" written on it. It made me think of all my Hope Mommies friends.

While I was shopping, I saw on the other side of the mall a woman I know, I am not even going to say from where because I don't want anyone to figure it out. Anyway, she is so snobby. I remember when I first met her I tried to strike up a convesation about babies, since our oldest are about the same age. She like barely answered me - what new mom doesn't want to go on and on about their babies (ours were only a few months old at the time)? She never says hi or acknowledges me and just seems like she is better than me. I really dislike snobby people. I never did anything to her! One time back in September when I was very pregnant we had a conversation, but only because one of my friends was standing there too, who she is also friends with. She never said a word to me since Adelyn died, maybe she feels uncomfortable since she's pregnant, but it doesn't matter. She never said anything to me before. I try to avoid her at all costs, but anytime I see her I look away because I feel that uncomfortable. The fact that she has what I want - a baby girl alive and well inside her - makes it even worse. I hate it. It is just so unfair that someone like her, so ungrateful and flat out rude - will most likely get to hold her baby girl and watch her grow up. Ugh.

That changed the mood of my shopping trip. It just really stinks that anytime I shop for Sierra - which is too often - I have to walk past all the baby girl stuff to get to her stuff. It's another one of those daggers in the heart for sure. Sigh....

When I picked Sierra up at my parents' house, she was still napping. My niece was also there and seeing Sierra with her was an extra big dagger in my heart today for some reason. First of all, it made Sierra seem so grown up and that makes any mom sad. Mostly, though, it was because she was so happy to be helping my mom with little things - going to get a diaper for Arlie, touching her softly when she cried and telling her it was ok - all these things that she should be doing with her little sister. It just made me realize, all over again, what a great big sister she would have been. I pray more than anything that she is given that chance. Seeing her little face light up......it's worth more than anything in the world.

This is Sierra with Arlie last year on New Year's Day - their first set of matching shirts. How cute are they?

4 Months

Today it has been exactly 4 months since Adelyn went to heaven. I don't really have much to say either. It really felt like any other day. I'm not sure if I am happy or sad about that. Am I healing, moving forward? Is it because as time goes by, things get easier, the memories start to fade? But yet, some days I can still hear the exact words the doctor spoke that night - "I'm sorry, there's nothing else we can do. She's gone." Or will it hit me like a ton of bricks at a later, unexpected date? Probably. But I just don't know what to think today.

I was in a funky mood today. I just couldn't get motivated to do anything. I really don't know that it was because today is the 29th day of a month. I have felt this sort of mood before - the blah that comes along with winter and day after day of gray skies. So maybe it was from that? Maybe a combination, I don't know.

We went cabinet shopping today and found something we think we like. I can't wait to get some of these estimates back so I know if we are really going to do it. Watch it come back at $30,000. No way! Honestly, we don't even know what we are willing to spend on it right now.

I did manage to do about half of the laundry and vacuum the house during Sierra's nap, so the day wasn't a complete waste. We went out to dinner with a gift card from my work friends. Sierra was entertaining the other people as we waited for our table. She is something else - how can so much personality fit into such a little person? Then we went to Kohl's to exchange jeans. I cannot believe my husband stepped foot in a retail store - it was actually funny. He hates to shop.

Today marked the first time Sierra went on a public potty- at Kohl's. What an experience, but I guess I better get used to it. Remind me to stock up on Clorox wipes!

Adelyn, we miss you every day. How I wish you were here with us. I thought about how much different going out to eat tonight would have been if you were with us. You have taught me so much already - to appreciate your big sister even more than I already did, to live for today, to be hopeful, to let the little things go, to be a more empathetic person, to be strong, to be thankful for what I do have.....I could go on. You have led me to a group of wonderful women who I would never have met if you had stayed here with us. That being said, if I could give all that up to have you here with me, would I? Without even thinking.....yes (sorry Hope Mommies). But, it's not my choice so I have to just try to see the good in this situation, as hard as it may be. We love you, sweet Adelyn. Keep watching over us and sending good things our way. Happy 4 months in glory. Give all your friends a hug from their mommies.

Love

Right now is one of those moments that I can appreciate what I have and be thankful. However, to be honest, there are still VERY many moments where I am bitter for what I do not have. Why not take advantage of this hopeful mood and write a happy post for once :)

Tonight I have Sierra on my mind. I've been feeling so emotional lately, not sad, but more utterly amazed at how much I love my little girl.

Certain things that she says and does just make me stop and smile. Some examples:
-On Sunday, I was trying to get her to say "Go Steelers" on video so I could post it. She was all dressed in her black and gold. We rehearsed, then as soon as I turned on the camera it came out "Go table! Go Daddy!" And lots of giggles.
-Monday we had a two hour delay, so I fed her breakfast. Normally I wake her up, get her dressed, and walk her across the street to the baby-sitter. While she was eating, I was quizzing her on the whole boy/girl thing. Is Daddy a boy or girl? Is Mommy a boy or girl? Is Nicco (our dog) a boy or girl? She got them all right. Then, are you a boy or girl? Her answer - "No, I'm just CC." Gotta love that!
-Trying to bribe her to go on the potty - "If you go on the potty, you can have a cupcake." Her response: "No, Mommy, cupcakes are for eating, not peeing."
-Wednesday night we read the book called "I Wear My TuTu Everywhere." So she had to wear the tutu that goes with a pair of PJs with her fleece footie PJs.

The next morning she insisted on wearing her real tutu (you know the skirts that are everywhere for little girls now). After I put it on her, she twirled around and said "I'm a ballerina." As we walked across the street to the baby-sitter's house, she was yelling, "I wear my tutu everywhere." LOL!
-I could not find her thermometer for the longest time, I even went in the nursery and looked and I hate going in there. So I bought a new one. Of coure, Monday night she asked to dance so I went to put in a CD and there was the thermometer!
-This morning we were getting ready to leave. Trevor asked if he could take her to the baby-sitter's. She said, "NO, Daddy, you can't come. There are just little kid toys there. Not for you. You need to stay home with my babies" (her dolls)
-Sierra's newest thing is pretending to do my hair and dress me. She did it again tonight. She put clips in my hair, tried to give me a pony tail, made me wear her hat and attempted to squeeze my feet into her rain boots. Then she took my picture with her pretend camera and announced "Mommy, you're pretty."
-She corrects me all the time. I will be talking about putting on my shoes before leaving and she'll stop me and say "No, I'm sorry Mommy, you need boots, not shoes. It's cold outside."
-The fact that she calls her underwear "underwears." And walks around telling everyone she is wearing them. She leaves nothing left unsaid.
-Lately, I have been taking a lot of videos of her. They really capture her more than just a picture at this age. When she catches me, she stops what she is doing and says "cheese!"

I could go on and on and on. My heart is just so full of love for that little girl. I wonder at times how it is possible to love someone so much. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my parents, my brother, my extended family, my dog. But I don't think I ever truly knew what love was until I had Sierra. I remember when I was a teenager or young adult, when I would go shopping with my mom, she would always buy stuff for me and never for her. I always wondered why she did that and why she didn't want to buy herself anything. And now I am the same way. I can't help myself. Everything is so cute for little girls and to see her face light up is the best part of my day. It's amazing how motherhood makes you so unselfish.

Before Adelyn was born, I often wondered how it would be possible to love another child as much as I love Sierra. Or how I would have enough love for two kids. Now it seems I have too much love. There are definitely worse things than that.

Thank you Sierra, for teaching me to be unselfish, for teaching me the true meaning of unconditional love, for taking care of me the past four months without even knowing it, for making me laugh. And most of all, thank you God, for giving me Sierra and allowing her to grace us with her presence every single day. I will never take that for granted.

A Rough Day

It's been a rough day. I knew it was coming, I had been pretty up for awhile. Trevor got a promotion last week and Sierra's potty training took a turn for the better. So I was feeling hopeful. Trevor's birthday was Saturday and we had a good time.

Then today came. At work, I was cleaning out drawers and files. It was almost like nesting - so strange, my need to orangize lately. I never had nesting with Adelyn either. Anyway, as I was going through stuff, I found a paper from the beginning of the year. "Building fund" - everyone gives money so the school can buy gifts for births/weddings/retirements or send food/memorials for deaths. So, on the list it has specified amounts spent for each event - death is divided into 2 categoires: death of spouse, parents, sibling and death of grandparents or in-laws (obviously more money is given for closer relatives). Nowhere on this list does it say "death of child." It just really bothered me today. I guess no one thinks that will happen. I get that, really I do, but it's not very likely to lose a sibling either, and that's on there. I guess it was just one of those triggers that I didn't expect. But, here my situation is so unlikely it isn't even listed. No one wants to think about that happening, and it happened to me. And listed right under the two death groups, is "birth of a child." Ugh.

So I was sort of in a funk and then I went to pick Sierra up. She was wearing different pants than I left her in - not a good sign. Yep - she peed her pants four times. And did not eat anything, was mean to the other kids, got a time out, and did her annoying baby talk all day. She can talk very clearly and has quite a vocabulary, but sometimes acts like a baby. It's random. As we walked home I grabbed the mail and of course Adelyn's birth certificate came. It's stamped in big letters "DECEASED" across the front. Great - I didn't know. But I guess now I do know why they don't automatically send you a birth certificate if a death certificate was filed on the same baby, since it will arrive with a stamp on it. I'm so angry about that. Can't I just get one nice copy without it? I understand it's probably procedure, but there should be a separate procedure when the baby dies soon after birth. The first copy should not have the stamp or something.

This blog post has been interrupted by a two year old girl who wandered out of her bed and is sitting on my lap now as I type. She was just asleep! I love to cuddle her though. Sometimes it's just what I need. Now off to put her back in bed so I can go to bed. To be continued tomorrow.....

Flashbacks

Lately, random things have been causing me "flashbacks." I'm not sure if that is the correct word to use, but it's the only one I can think of. In the beginning, these flashbacks happened quite often, and when they did, they would always inspire a meltdown. Tears, wanting to punch pillows, throw things. Now when they hit, they don't normally cause meltdowns. Now it is a short, intense pain - like someone is stabbing me in the heart. It hurts so much for a few seconds, then it goes away. I am not sure if I push it away and move forward to the next moment in time, or what has happened that allows the intense hurt to go away so quickly. Nevertheless, the pain is still there and it still hurts just as much as it did on day 1. It doesn't stick around as long. But it does pop up many, many times throughout the day. Here are some examples - some are pretty obvious, others are pretty random.
-Sierra is obsessed with Dora, especially her twin baby brother and baby sister. At first it pained me every time I heard her say "baby sister." It took me back to us talking about Adelyn - we always referred to her as "baby sister" to Sierra because we didn't pick out her name until like the day before she was born! Then I got used to hearing it. But tonight, it took me back there. I thought not only of Adelyn, but of how happy we were preparing for "baby sister's" arrival. Those 2 words bring back SO many memories. I remember telling Sierra about how her old room was now baby sister's room. How baby sister was in mommy's belly. And maybe most painful of all - after Adelyn died, I took Sierra over to her baby-sitter's house to play and have lunch (she lives across the street from us). One of the girls she baby-sits is 4 and was staring at my belly. Then she asked if I had another baby in my belly. I said no, thinking it was funny because I still looked pregnant. Then the 3 year old asked "what is in your belly?" I actually smiled, thinking to myself I guess I could say food, but said nothing because I wasn't eating much at this point. Then Sierra chimed in and said "that's my baby sister in there." I seriously lost it and ran out the door to my house and cried. As I type this even now, I have tears in my eyes. I could really go on and on about those two words - the time the Big Sister Dora episode came on while we were at Sierra's baby-sitter another time and I knew in the first minute which episode it was, since we had read the book a million times that summer. Again, I ran home and cried. So you can imagine how hard it is to hear Sierra say "baby sister" over and over EVERY day. But, then I see her little face - the huge smile that she has as she talks about baby brother and baby sister and plays with them. And I guess it's worth my pain to see her so happy.
-As I was putting Sierra's pajamas on tonight, I looked up at her wall with her name on it. And it took me back to this moment:

This picture was taken on September 26 - 3 days before Adelyn was born/died. It is the last picture I have from September 2010, except for those we took of Adelyn. I remember how happy and excited I was. I took the pictures to post on Facebook, since out of town relatives asked to see her big girl room. I never posted them.
-This is a VERY random one. Now that Sierra is going on the potty, I thought about how I was going to handle this when we are out. I had been thinking about buying a Potette this summer - it can be a little potty or a potty seat to go on a regular toilet. I thought it would be good in case we were out and there was no potty around, she could use it anywhere. I remember thinking "oh I can just get the pink one, since we will have 2 little girls." Tonight I thought about buying it again, only this time I thought "well I guess I can't buy the pink one now." Yeah, I know I still can, but I'm practical. I don't want to have to buy another potty if we have another baby and it's a boy. Why do I even think about these things? It's a potty! Who cares what color it is? I never even really liked pink until I was pregnant with Adelyn and decided to go all out "girly."
-When I am at work, any time I see my sub's name written, her handwriting on my daily logs, anything, it reminds me. Ugh. This is why I cannot wait until this school year is over and I can start fresh and hopefully not have those reminders. Although I secretly hope I just get pregnant and don't have to go back to work next school year until January :)
-I was walking Sierra over to her baby-sitters, and as I walked up their new cement stairs, I remembered her saying how she wanted to make the steps wider because it would be easier to carry the infant seats up them that way. What I should be doing.....
-Similar to the potty, but I had been thinking of getting Sierra an easel since she loves to draw and paint. I imagine her using it to play school when she gets older also. I never liked primary colors, and the easels come in either blue/red/yellow or pink/purple. I remember thinking that I could get the pink and purple one. Then after Adelyn died, I saw it in an add around Christmas time. I was so sad that I probably wouldn't get the pink one now. Again, it's so stupid. But this is really how my mind works right now.
-I was updating my calendar I have in my room at work. I put little stickers on special days "Christmas" "New Year's" etc and I will put "Happy Birthday" on a family member's birthday, just to spark conversation with my kids. So, at the beginning of the year, I had put a "Happy Birthday" one on my due date. One of my students moved it when I was still there past my due date to the 29th. Strange -she was right. Well wouldn't you know when I updated the calendar back in December, I found that "Happy Birthday" with the tacky stuff still on the back and I knew it was THAT one.

So, a little insight as to what I go through on a daily basis. There are more things that cause "flashbacks" - the obvious things like seeing big/little sister shirts, anything about sisters, songs that were popular on the radio last summer, I could go on and on. Someday I am going to count how many times I have a flashback. Sometimes I cannot even believe I function with so many daggers going into my heart all day long. But, I guess it is just like people who have chronic pain. You learn to live with it. What other choice do you have?

Gray

I've always been a black or white kind of person. That's why I liked math - and it's rare to find a speech therapist who likes math and is good at it! I like having one answer that is correct. No second guessing. No decisions, it's obvious.

That being said, I am struggling BIG time at work. I am able to go in and see the kids, they usually cheer me up if I am feeling sad. Although sometimes they frustrate me! I have even been able to keep up on the mounds of paperwork this job requires. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I just sit and stare at my computer when I should be doing paperwork or planning therapy sessions. But at that moment, it's all I can do. I haven't fallen behind, but yet I don't think I am doing the best work I know I could do.

Lately it just seems like everything is so gray. I almost had a meltdown yesterday because I just cannot decide what to do with a few students. I thought I was going to dismiss one, then I learned more information and now I am second guessing that decision. I want the student out of speech, I mean he's in 10th grade, enough is enough. But now with this new info, I just don't know. I can't make a decision. I'm afraid to make the wrong decision, but I don't know what the right one is! Then there are the new little Kindergarten students who the teachers can't understand, but sound fine when I listen to them. What to do! Then the director of special education wants me to start something different with 2 older students who are working at supportive employment. I feel so overwhelmed about it. While I was out, she told my sub not to worry about it, so those kids were not seen, which is bad. Since I got back, no one seemed to be able to tell me what I was supposed to do, where I was supposed to see them, or if I was even still supposed to. Their teachers suggested just to dismiss them from speech, but the director of special education wants me to continue seeing them. So I flat out told her I was overwhelmed and she suggested I just see them at the high school when they are there. I dread it - I just don't know what else I can do for these kids. Same old, same old. Sometimes I really hate the fact that they have me working at both the middle school and high school. There are kids that I am "stuck" with for 6 years!! I love all my students, but after so long I run out of ideas to work on the same things with the same kids and it just gets boring!

Ok, work rant is over. Tomorrow is a clerical day and I have so much paperwork to do. To be exact, 62 progress reports. Ugh! And I have to make the final decision on that student - his final report has to be done tomorrow. I have a hard time staying focused normally on these types of days. I can't even imagine how I will be able to do it in my current state. TGIF.....

Little Mommy

So, may I start off my saying that exactly one year ago today is the day I found out officially that I was pregnant with Adelyn. I try not to dwell on these dates, and I told myself that they would not bother me. Right. The question I want answered is why do I remember these dates but yet half the time I cannot remember where I put my cell phone? I'm hoping that as time goes by I will not remember those dates and think about them as much. I can honestly say that I do not remember the exact date when I found out I was pregnant with Sierra, or the date we first heard her heartbeat, or the date of her ultrasound, where we did NOT find out that she was a girl! I do remember the moments though, and what I was doing, just not the date. I guess that is because we have so many other memories of Sierra. We will not have that with Adelyn, so maybe I will always remember.

Today was a good day on most counts though. Hubby is in an all-around better mood and we seem to be on the same page again. Whew! We have been playing around with the idea of redoing some stuff in our kitchen. We like to have projects, and especially now it gives us something to do. We currently cook on the cheapest stove made, that was a hand me down from Trevor's cousin. When we picked it up from his Gram's house, on the way back it tipped over and one of the knobs fell off. It's been three years and that stove is still missing a knob! So, we decided we should get a new stove. It's a long story, but the new stove leads to new countertops (ours are white and show EVERY stain) and that leads to a new sink! Right now our kitchen has a backsplash of white tiles with little birds on them, which we have made fun of since we moved in. We bought tiles to match our floor but just need to install them. But, we need to replace the countertops to install the backsplash how we want it. So, as you can see, it all ties together to one big, expensive project. While I'd much rather be broke from paying for two childcare expenses, we do have the money right now to do it, so why not?

Anyway, I digress. We went to Sears to look for stoves and we found a floor model that was marked down more than half off and was just what we wanted. A sign? Sierra was being horrible, so I took her and walked around and guess what we found? The baby section. So she walked around with her doll and put her in each pack and play, stroller, etc. She talked about each thing - "this is where you change the baby's diaper." It was so cute, but yet so heartbreaking. In the process I saw all these cute little girl things that made me long for Adelyn so much. The little mary jane socks I had wanted for her. A little onesie that said "born to shop." The little sister onesie I had bought for her but returned (I never washed it or took off the tags, in case she came out a boy!!). This cute little girly toy set that had a mini purse, huge diamond ring rattle, and keys. A bib that said "thank heaven for little girls." I just want my baby girl so badly. Watching Sierra with her doll and how she played with all the baby toys made my heart ache even more. And it made me angry that she was robbed of her chance to have a little sister. She would have LOVED it. Everything about it.
She started with babies as young as 18 months:

Then my niece was born in Oct 09 - she loved to put her doll in all of the baby stuff:



Then Christmas 2009:

This summer:

Christmas:


Everywhere we go, she finds all the babies. "Look, mommy! It's a baby!" She talks to her dolls so sweetly - "it's okay, baby." She wraps them in blankets (and gets super frustrated when she can't do it). She changes their clothes and worries about their hats matching. She feeds them, takes them for walks in their stroller, changes their diapers, even gives them a bath either in the tub with her for all plastic dolls, or in the fake tub. She washes them with pretend soap and washcloths and puts them in the mini hooded towel and dries them off. She puts them to bed, turns the mobile on her doll crib on, and runs out of her room and says "shhh, the baby's still sleeping." It is the cutest thing. This girl deserves a little sister or brother to help take care of. Please, God?

New Look!

I have so much more I want to write, but I am so tired! So just a post to introduce my blog's new look. Don't you love it? Thanks to Franchesca Cox and Small Bird Studio for the help! The footprints on my signature are actually Adelyn's - I think that's my favorite part :)

I still have lots of work to do - right now there is nothing on the links but I am going to work on it little by little. Even with a snow day this week, I'm exhausted!

Random Reminder

So, after Adelyn died we got all the typical formula coupons in the mail. I had signed up for them all so I could get as much free samples as possible. I planned on breastfeeding, but with Sierra I ran out of the bags I had frozen and could not keep up once I went back to work so I had to supplement. I also got e-mails from them and other places - "congratulations! your baby is here" or "your baby at 1 week." What was awful about the e-mails is I actually enjoyed getting the updates on Sierra every week/month - but this time I had to actually go in my account and "delete" Adelyn from my profile. Ouch. Otherwise, I would continue getting e-mails about what she should be doing each week. No thanks. I hadn't thought about all those e-mails and stuff in the mail.......until today. I thought I called and got off all the mailing lists and e-mail lists. This is what was in my inbox:

All I am thinking is that I am not missing anything - except Adelyn. Can I stock up on her please, Gap? Oh but wait, I do need pants that actually fit me......

In a Fog

Just an update from my post yesterday - I said there was nowhere to go but up. Well, I was wrong. I think my roller coaster fell off the track for a little bit. It's since back on the track, and hopefully going up. Right now, it's still pretty much at the bottom.

Last night, I cried......and cried. That cry that I said wasn't coming out, came out. Did it really make me feel better? Not really. The cry began after a talk with my husband. Then we put Sierra to bed and talked some more. Do I feel like things were resolved after all that talking? Not sure. I think he was just in a really sad place yesterday and he was feeling hopeless. Just talking to him and being near him did make me feel better, even if I didn't like everything he said.

I didn't sleep well last night since I cannot breathe out of my nose. Breathing through your mouth makes your whole mouth and throat dry and I hate that! So I woke up a few times. This morning, I felt like I was hung over, but yet I haven't had a single drink in at least a week. I am not sure if it's just the "grief effect" from all that crying and the difficult day yesterday, if it's because I am tired, or if it's from being a little sick. I just hate this feeling.

Today we went to Lowe's to look at stoves, countertops, and a new faucet since ours is leaking. I really felt weird in the store - of course there were babies everywhere and my head was just in a fog, but it was nice looking and gave me a teeny bit of hope.

When we got home I realized that I forgot to get the mail yesterday, so I grabbed it. I am sort of glad I forgot, because guess what was in there? Yep - the death certificate with the corrected time of death. That probably would have been bad to see that yesterday. Today, I was just numb to it.

I am hoping to wake up tomorrow and feel clear in more ways than one. Clear nose and out of this stupid fog I am in! I am getting observed by the assistant principal tomorrow and I hate talking with a stuffy nose.

Good night, hopefully I sleep tight!

Roller Coaster

I'm not in a very good mood today, so this is not likely to be a very positive post. Just need to get my feelings out somehow....

I just want to know why everything has to be so hard? It seems like in the past, things were so easy. Now, just enjoying a weekend is hard. Lately, when my husband is in a bad mood, it puts me in a REALLY bad mood. Not saying I was in a great mood this morning, but now I'm in an awful mood. I just had my first cry in quite awhile, but it still feels like there is more in there that needs to come out, but it won't. I'm sick, my nose is all stuffed up, which makes crying a little more difficult. Now I've got the feeling that my period is coming soon - so those hormones don't help matters. I wasn't sure if it should come this week or next, my cycles still haven't seemed to regulate. That is another source of frustration. It used to be so easy - I always knew my body and exactly how and when to prevent pregnancy or make it happen. It was always so easy - in fact, I have been pregnant 4 times (ouch, it hurts to think about that, as I only have 1 living child). 3 of those times it happened on the very first try. The last time, with Adelyn, it took about 3 months, which is not long at all. I just am feeling hopeless in regards to another pregnancy. Like it's never going to happen again, or it's going to take forever this time. I guess it all boils down to being a pessimist when it comes to pregnancy and babies now. I hate that it has come to that, I used to LOVE watching A Baby Story and all those shows on TV when I was home in the summer or on maternity leave. Now, I can barely look at pregnant women, and I feel uncomfortable hearing them happily discuss their pregnancy. How they naively think that a pregnancy=a baby. For me, pregnancy=a baby is only a 25% success rate. 1 out of my 4 pregnancies has produced a living, healthy child. Now, granted, I KNOW that 1 is better than none. I am VERY grateful for Sierra, as I've blogged about many times before. I can be happy if she is all I ever have, eventually. If that is the case, it will take some time to accept it. But for now, I'm holding out hope that there will be a sibling for her. This hope is a roller coaster. Some days, I'm up and so hopeful that it is going to happen soon. Other days, I'm in the middle, thinking that we will just let it happen whenever it happens, not try but not prevent and it will work out how it's supposed to. And then there are the low days - like today - where I feel hopeless, like it's just never going to happen, or if it happens, I will have another miscarriage. Not sure I could handle that.

I really want off this roller coaster that is my life. Whether it's in regards to a future pregnancy, grief, or just life in general - I just never know each morning when I wake up where on that roller coaster I will be for the day. I could be stuck at the top, which would be wonderful, but is rare. I could be on my way down, slowly or quickly. I could go through the entire roller coaster in a day, or even an hour. I could be at the bottom like I am today. I guess there is nowhere to go but up.....

Birth Certificates, Death Certificates, and Exhaustion

The new year has not been kind to me. January 1 was a crappy day. I couldn't stop thinking about something that would probably bother me if it happened. Why I got so caught up on something that hasn't even happened, or if it has, I don't know about it yet. But it consumed me to the point where I could NOT sleep. I think I slept an hour total on Saturday night. I really just wanted to cry and scream and get it out and feel better - which used to work in the beginning. Now it seems like the tears just won't come out. I guess I'm out of tears.

You can imagine that the next day was not fun on 1 hour sleep. And leave it to me to wait until the last minute to work on a portfolio for work that was due Monday! I was so tired I could not even think, but it HAD to get done. I tried to take a nap when Sierra napped, but I couldn't. I did rest for an hour and found enough energy to finish the portfolio. It's such busywork, and what could I put in it since I barely worked the first semester of the school year! All I know is I have one more after this and I have tenure. Yippee!!

Sunday night hubby and I were up till 11 talking, even though I was super tired I got my second wind. I hate that, but it always seems to happen to me! Monday was back to work and I was so tired all day. Same thing went for Tuesday. I feel like I am trying to get sick again - just really tired, like someone sucked all the energy out of me. Plus my throat hurts off and on and I get this yucky nauseous feeling every now and again. I finally slept well Tuesday night but was still tired today. I was in such a daze on my way to work that I passed up the exit and had to take the long way. Oops!

Those were random thoughts, I guess I was just explaining why I haven't written lately. I hope I'm on the upswing of the sickness that I never really got, but am just fighting off. I made it through work today and feel ok tonight. Now Sierra is snotty and her baby-sitter wasn't feeling well today. Guess there is something going around. Stay away germs! I only have 3 sicks days left till June :(

I don't know if I mentioned this on my blog, but the hospital actually got the time of death wrong on Adelyn's death certificate. In getting it fixed, the nurse who runs the pregnancy loss support group at the hospital found out that the state will issue a birth certificate - if we want it. I just had to call and request it myself. I finally got around to it today since it's not a busy day for me at work. So I asked why I had to do that and she said the state automatically does NOT send a birth certificate out if a death certificate was issued on the same baby. How stupid is that? She said something along the lines of we let the parents proceess what happened and give them time and then they can ask for it if they want it. Who wouldn't want it? Why would they not just send it? So, so dumb. But, the good news is that we will get a birth certificate in 10 business days. And, we can claim Adelyn as a dependent on our taxes. I looked it up, since the lady from the department of vital stastics said she thought we could claim her and to check it out. It clearly states that as long as a baby is considered a "live birth" and meets all the other eligibility requirements, you can claim the baby as a dependent, even if she was only alive for a moment. I wondered if Adelyn was considered a live birth or a stillbirth, since she never breathed or moved and her Apgar was 0. I never thought she was stillborn, since she did have a "very questionable" heartbeat of <60 at birth, and her time of birth was different than her time of death. But, my dr. used "stillborn" on a letter to my school district requesting additional bereavement days for me, and it ticked me off. There is nothing wrong with it, but I didn't think Adelyn was stillborn. And, she used it like this "delivered a stillborn." Sounds so cold. How about the baby was stillborn or delivered a stillborn baby? It just needed the word baby in there somewhere.

Now, don't get me wrong, I could really care less about being able to claim Adelyn on our taxes. I don't care about money, as long as I have enough to pay the bills and enjoy life these days. Material things don't mean much to me, I just want my baby! Anyway, the reason it makes me happy is because it means that the government actually acknowledges that Adelyn existed. Because she did. Even if at times, it feels like a dream. She was here, I saw her, I held her (even if I don't remember it in the hospital) and we loved - and still love - her.

New Year, Heavy Heart

I have been looking forward to 2011 for awhile. A fresh start, a new beginning....HOPE. I had it in my mind that 2011 HAS to be a better year. How could it be worse?

So I find it odd that today I am struggling. My heart just feels so heavy. I feel so sad. I hate days like this. The only good thing about today is that we all slept in till almost 10!

Sierra was cranky most of the day - refused to eat breakfast, kicked and fought me trying to get her to nap. As any parent of a 2-year-old knows, this is trying enough. But when you add grief to the mix, it's almost impossible to deal with. Just making it through a day like today is difficult enough, but trying to deal with a cranky 2-year-old - whew. My patience is slim, I'm tired, I don't feel so great, and I don't feel like doing anything but so much needs done.

One of the things that bothered me today was a photo on Facebook. I had to hide this one friend's posts - she is pregnant with a girl and it just hurt to read her posts, and see the weekly ticker of how her baby is developing. Ugh. I accidentally came across her new album today. There was a picture of her little family, with the caption something like "next year there will be more of us." And it just STUNG. I wanted to write, "yeah that's what I thought" or "don't assume this so soon." Of course I didn't. But I think this is what fueled my sadness today. Oddly enough, I am not sad (today) that Adelyn isn't here. In a lot of ways, I feel that I've accepted it. I KNOW she's in a better place. I have met so many other wonderful women who have lost babies, and I know Adelyn is with their precious babies in heaven. That comforts me. I think what I am sad about is my own loss of innocence. I want to feel blissfully happy about pregnancy again - my own future one (hopefully) and other people's too. I just don't know that I will ever be able to happily discuss pregnancy again. It just hurts.

I go back and forth between wanting another baby NOW and feeling like I am just not ready. I'm not sure I will ever be ready. I just know that time is ticking, Sierra is getting older, and so are we. Some days the thought gives me hope. Other days - like today - I feel hopeless. Like it's going to take a long time to happen, and as time ticks by I watch other people who had their first babies at the same time or after Sierra add chubby, smiling babies to their Christmas cards or photographs. My photographs still have only one kid. Granted, she's much cuter than anyone else's kid :) But....a little chubby baby was supposed to be in those pictures with her, and so she looks lonely to me, even though I know she's not. She's a happy little girl, too young to really understand. For that I am thankful.

I guess really today I am dreaming - of the future, of happiness, of hopefully adding another baby to our family in 2011. But, I am dreaming with a broken heart.

My hope for 2011 is that my dreams come true, thus mending my broken heart. There will always be a scar on my heart for Adelyn, but over time it won't hurt as much as it does now, so broken and fresh.