Dread

I now have less than a week left of summer vacation and all I feel is dread.  The only way I can describe it is the night before you are to have some sort of surgery or procedure done, and you have had it before so you know what you are in for and it's not fun.  That's how I feel.  I know exactly what I am in for next week when I have to go back to work.  It's dreadful, really.  Like a rat race - all hurry and no time to enjoy.

I feel like I can't really vent about it, because most people tell me to be grateful that I have summers off.  Why does it mean I am ungrateful just because I dread going back to work?  What person WANTS to go to work - please tell me that?  I like my  job, and even I don't want to go.  Because even though I do like my job, I love my kids more.

I AM grateful for the time off to enjoy my kids.  I LOVED every.single.moment of it.   That being said, because I have limited time off, I tried to catch up and cram in things that I put off until I had time.  So, I feel that I didn't fully enjoy my  kids because I was often trying to get something done in the process.  But, thanks to Adelyn, I found myself much more aware of moments.  I made myself stop and be in the moment, especially when I was rocking Coen to sleep or watching him learn something new, or listening to him laugh.   I tried to put those moments firmly in my memory, because I am very aware that soon enough, he will not be a baby anymore. I am slowly becoming ok with that.  Then, there were the sweet big sister moments, the ones I looked forward to when I was pregnant with Adelyn, and longed for after she died.  They are so precious to me.  And every time Sierra said or did something super girly (which was often), I felt so thankful to have a daughter here on Earth.  I really tried to put those moments in my memory too, because I feel like I have to savor them twice as much - once for experiencing them with Sierra, and once for what I don't get to do with Adelyn.

I try to tell myself that it could always be way worse.  I could have a long commute to work - I drive literally 10 minutes!  I could work long  hours - I work basically 7:30-3:15.  I could have no time off.  I could hate my job.  I could send my kids somewhere I wasn't crazy about - and I love and trust their baby-sitter so much.  Yes, I have it pretty good.

But, then I sit here and think about some of those moments we've had this summer.  And my eyes instantly well up with tears.  Still, after four years of this transition from stay-at-home mom to full time working mom - it is SO very hard.  I think this year may be the hardest yet.  I know what I am in for, and I know what I am missing out on.  And I also cherish those moments way more - I think this is something that no one can understand until they have parented a baby after losing one.  Everything means more, it is a gift to us.  Plus, I am 99.9% sure that Coen is our last baby, so that makes these moments even more precious, knowing I will never get to experience them again.

My feelings remind me of that first time I had to leave Sierra and go back to work. Right around then, my mom found this article.  I saved it, and give it to moms going back to work for the first time.  I also re-read it often to remind myself of these things. Since I -finally- got a scanner, I scanned it so I could share it.  This is the perfect time:

Sigh.....I think I will be starting my countdown to the next day off as soon as school starts. For now, I am going to try to relax and enjoy one of my last nights of "freedom".