First Day of Summer

Warning.....this is going to be one of those "all over the place" kind of posts.

I love being woken up by the sound of little feet and "MOMMY!" instead of an alarm clock.  I wish it would have been a little later though!  On a typical work day, we wake Sierra up at 6:45 and we have to pull her out of bed, sometimes to crying.  This morning, she woke up at 7, bright eyed and raring to go.  Figures..... 

First day of summer and baby boy is sick.  He woke up from his nap and felt HOT, so I took his temperature and sure enough, 100.4.  Ugh.  Better than having a sick baby and needing to go to work, I suppose, but not how I wanted to spend the first day of summer break.  He mostly slept, wasn't fussy at all.  I did like that I got to cuddle him all day though.....

This past week, I have been missing Adelyn so much.  More than I have in awhile, actually.  Probably because there have been been a bunch of deaths lately (neighbor's father, coworker's mother, mom's cousin), and thinking about them takes me back to those first days after Adelyn died.  My mom's cousin just lost his 1.5 year battle with Lou Gehrig's disease, I remember when we found out he had it, I was still so deep in grief but was able to gain a little perspective from it.  He went in the hospital a week ago, and everyone knew this was it.  I wanted to badly to contact him somehow and ask him to please tell my baby girl how much I love her and miss her and to give her a big hug from me.  I know she knows, but still.  I wasn't sure if that was appropriate, so I didn't send a message.  But I really wanted to.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about his wife and the pain I know she is feeling, and his mother who lost a child like me.  As hard as losing a newborn was, I can only imagine watching your child suffer and slowly lose control of every muscle in his body.  Awful..... I have been near tears all weekend because of it.

Tonight, I was washing Sierra's feet (Crocs are good for many things but NOT for keeping feet clean), and out of the blue she says, "Mommy, I wonder what Adelyn is doing?"  I forget what I said, probably said maybe she was getting ready for bed just like you.  Then she started talking about there being two cribs in heaven, and I didn't get it.  Who was the other crib for, I  kept asking.  Finally she said there is one crib for Adelyn and one for baby Jesus.  Now if that isn't a bittersweet moment.....

So I decided maybe I should talk with her about death a little, given that comment and knowing that we may need to go to a funeral (but since it is out of town and the same day as her dance recital, we cannot attend).  I asked her what she thought happened to Adelyn, and she said she is an angel in heaven.  I told her that you can only get to heaven when you die, and that everyone dies sometime.  Then I told her sometimes people die when they are old, sometimes they die when they are babies (ugh).  Then she asked what if she died (um, I will die too if that happens).  I didn't know what to say, so I said she would go to heaven.  Then she started talking about wanting to go see Adelyn in heaven someday and see her house up there. 

It was too much for me, I just wasn't strong enough to finish the conversation.  I did read her the "Waterbugs and Dragonflies" book though.  Not sure if it helped.  So the death talk was an epic fail.....