I Just Don't Know

Being pregnant again after losing Adelyn was difficult.  Painfully difficult.  But the outcome was so wonderful, that I almost forget how hard it was now.  Isn't that how it always is with pregnancy and childbirth?  Otherwise, no one would have more than one child.

But I have to say, even though we had such a wonderful birth experience and so far a wonderful baby (right now he sleeps, cries when he wants to be fed, and is content again after being fed) - and this outcome is obviously completely the opposite of our last pregnancy with Adelyn - it is taking me back to those early days after losing her.

I just don't know how I made it through that.  I really don't.  The only answer I can give when people ask is because there was no other choice.  And Sierra of course.  But wow.

Right after delivery, so many of the things I had to do, reminded me of how I did it with Adelyn. Getting out of the bed for the first time, it's so yucky and awful - how did I make myself do it when I had no baby to make it worth it?  The physical pain, not being able to sit comfortably.  The bleeding, the cramping.  And yet, no beautiful baby to stare at and think, it's okay because I have him/her.

Probably one of the MOST difficult things for me after Adelyn was when my milk came in. That was awful.  I wonder if most people realize or thought about that happening.  It was a constant reminder that I should have had a baby to feed.  And my gosh did it hurt.  I was so uncomfortable I could barely sleep.  I wondered why anyone would choose not to breastfeed after going through that!

And now with Coen, I get to experience nursing again.  Sometimes, especially in the beginning, it hurt!  But nowhere near the engorgement and emotional pain of NOT having a baby to nurse. But every time I deal with leaky boobs (what is it about fresh air after a shower that does it?  I feel dirty again!) it reminds me of how I felt after Adelyn. Any time I think that Coen really needs to wake up and eat to relieve me, I think of how I couldn't do that last time.  And I wonder how I did it.

With every happy baby card we get in the mail, I think about how different it is this time.  The funny thing is I think we got more cards when Adelyn died than we did when Coen lived.  But that's ok.

This time, we are getting adorable baby clothes instead of angels and memorial ornaments.  Have I  mentioned how overwhelmed I am at the amount of baby clothes we received?  I didn't realize we would get so much!  We actually didn't need much to begin with because we had a lot of yellow/neutral stuff from Sierra that we can reuse.  Probably it looked more like a boy anyway! 
I'm sleep deprived from waking up to feed a living baby now.  Not from crying myself to sleep.

Last year I think we took Sierra to every single pumpkin patch or festival or Halloween party.  I think it was in an attempt to keep busy and focus on the fact that we still had a child to do those things with.  This year we didn't even get around to getting a pumpkin!  But it's ok, because we are busy doing all the "normal" things people do after having a baby.  Except that to me, those "normal" things don't feel so normal.

It feels strange to get a birth certificate in the mail that doesn't have a huge deceased stamp on it, to receive a social security card, to have to fill out papers to add Coen to our health insurance.  Tonight, I hung his newborn picture on the wall and put some in frames.  It felt SO weird.  Like it really looks like a family with 2 (living) children lives in this house.  Is it really MY family?  I swear every time I load both kids in the car, or realize that MY car has two car seats, I catch myself smiling.  It feels odd to have moments where I feel so complete.  I can't believe that I honestly feel happy more often than I feel sad now.

And yet I still miss my baby girl more than ever.

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Traces of Adelyn

Two posts in one day - what is going on?  For one, I finally feel somewhat "human" again, adjusting to life with a newborn and without sleep.  But also tonight was "one of those nights" - I need to write about it while it is fresh in my head.

So Sierra is LOVING every second of having a baby in this house.  She has this step stool and she will carry it around from the bathroom, where it is supposed to be so she can reach the potty and sink, to the baby's room so she can watch me change his diaper or reach his crib, to our bathroom so she can watch us give him a bath in his baby tub on the counter.

Tonight she was carrying the stool down the hall.  Trevor said to her "Wow you are really strong carrying that.  How did you get so strong?"  Sierra answered with "Adelyn made me strong."  I kind of stopped what I was doing to make sure I heard that right - and then I smiled, thinking she must have heard people talk about being strong and Adelyn?  I don't know - random. 

So later I was laying in her bed with Coen in between us, reading a book.  I asked her how she got so strong and again she answered from Adelyn.  But then the questions came.

Sierra: "Mommy, when is Adelyn going to come back down to our house?"
Me: "Remember how I told you that once you go to Heaven, you can't come back."
Sierra: "But why?"
Me: "I don't know, it's just the way it is.  But someday we are all going to go to Heaven.  We don't know when though."
Sierra: "But how are we going to get there?"
Me: "I don't know.  We won't know until we get there.  But hopefully it's not for a really long time."  (hmm, do I really mean that one?  I'm torn between Heaven and Earth now)
Sierra: "I know, I have my green wings from my Tinkerbell costume so I can fly up to the sky.  But you and Daddy don't have any wings.  How are you going to get there?  Maybe someday we can go to the store and buy you some wings too.  But for now I can hold one of you on each arm and lift you up with me."

If only it was that easy.  After this conversation, I had a huge lump in my throat.  I went to rock Coen to sleep and for the first time, it hit me.  I sat there and held his warm little body next to mine, all cozy.  I stared into his sweet face.  I love this little boy more than I thought I ever could.  But in that moment, I realized how much I still miss HER.  I never got to do any of these things with Adelyn.  I looked around the room and saw the traces of Adelyn I purposefully left in the room - her tutu outfit still hanging on the closet door.  I just couldn't bring myself to move it.  As a friend put it, Coen is sharing a room with Adelyn.  I like thinking of it that way.  I still have her memory box from the hospital, the box I keep all the cards we got, and the photo storage box I was going to use to keep her hospital hat and memories like I have for Sierra - all of those things are in the closet because for now, there is room in there and I needed them to stay there.

One of the things in the nursery that was given to us after Adelyn died.  It says "Children's footprints remain forever in their mother's heart." I actually only finally hung it up a few days before Coen was born because I wasn't sure what to do with it.  I think it's perfect where it is on his wall.  Even if it is pink :)

This I found at Michael's and was instantly drawn to it.  Better yet, it was on clearance for $3!  In case you can't read it, it says "HOPE From the wings of a darkened night, small lights of hope are born. They shine of faith and beliefs and in their hands are the hidden seeds of new beginnings."  How perfect is that?  From the darkness of losing Adelyn, comes the new beginning of her baby brother.

The other thing I have in the nursery is a little figure my aunt gave me - it has a little angel being held in two hands and it sits next to the rocking chair on the table I use to set books and a clock.

And so, tonight I sat in the chair, cuddling my sweet boy and looking around his room at all the traces of his big sister.  The tears just streamed down my face for the first time really since he was born.  OK, there were some tears of frustration in between, but those don't count. These tears were happy and sad at the same time, which I imagine is going to happen quite often now.  Happy because Coen lived, because we have a baby in our house again to bring joy and hope, because we love this little boy.  Sad because I still miss Adelyn, maybe even more now.  I knew what we were missing out on when she died, because we had already done all those things with Sierra.  But sometimes I forget just how wonderful it all is - it has been over 3 years since Sierra was a baby after all.  Having a new baby just reminded me of all that we missed out on with Adelyn.

And I end with this quote, so true for our circumstances right now:

"The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes."  ~Thomas Hardy

Coen's Birth Story

It was decided after our visit to the high risk doctor way back in May that I would be induced at 39 weeks.  This was a relief to me, since both the girls had been late.  It was also very important to me to have the doctor who delivered Adelyn be the one who delivered Coen, because she "got it."  She was there last time and had been checking up on us from time to time, even before I got pregnant.  Plus, I liked that it would be a more controlled situation - I wouldn't have to worry about going into labor and waiting for Trevor to get home and being in pain alone.  Plus, Adelyn came so quickly I was worried I wouldn't make it in time for an epidural.

So at my last ever prenatal appointment, my doctor told me that Oct. 10th was the date she was on call.  Perfect - one day shy of hitting 39 weeks - the sooner I could get the baby out safely, the better.  That appointment was emotional - it was at the hospital.  Now, my first two prenatal appointments were also there and we had gone back for a memorial service last December, but all of those times Trevor was with me.  This time I was alone, emotional, and anxious.  I made it through, but the bad news was that I was only 1 cm and would have to go in the night before to get my cervix ready to be induced.  I was not happy about that - how was I supposed to sleep in that hospital without a baby again?

The day I had to be induced I spent packing and doing last minute stuff, but really I was nervous wreck.  I barely could eat but knew I wouldn't be able to for awhile so I managed to get some pizza down.  I wanted to cry when my parents drove away with both Sierra and our dog.  After that, the house seemed too empty.

I don't remember the drive to the hospital, but I remember parking and walking in.  I brought our Molly Bear - Adelyn Bear, but I decided to take off Adelyn's little sister onesie so people wouldn't think I had lost it.  On our way in, we ran into another couple who were being induced.  They were all relaxed and excited, and it was hard to "pretend" we were too.

I had not been back to the Family Birth Center since last September 30th when we left without Adelyn.  I was afraid to even check in.  I was SO relieved that we were in a different room than last time.  Once we got settled, they started my IV and the medicine to help soften my cervix.  I had to be on the monitor the whole time.  They offered me a sleeping pill, which I took because I knew it was the only way I was going to sleep.  I probably slept 4 hours, and it was a drug induced sleep so not the best, but better than nothing.  Every time I had to go to the bathroom I had to call the nurse to unhook everything - nice huh.

The next morning I got to get up and shower, which at first I thought was pointless but now I am glad I did.  I do not remember what exact time they started the Pitocin, but I think it was around 9.  Our nurse was really nice and apparently she knew Trevor from the bus stop when they were kids?  Of course he didn't remember her - but what a small world.  The nurse joked about racing the other couples who were being induced and told us the baby needed to be born before 3 because she was done then.  We had a couple visits from the doctor once things got started.

Contractions weren't as bad as I thought - I started feeling them and honestly they just felt like really bad period cramps.  As soon as the nurse noticed I was getting a little bit uncomfortable, they checked to see if I was dialated any more and I think I might have been 2 or almost 3.  At that point the nurse said I could get my epidural whenever - I was surprised I could get it so soon because with the girls, I was in severe pain by the time I got it.  I was worried it would stall labor to be honest, but on the other side, as soon as I started feeling the contractions I got really anxious about going through labor again.

So the epidural went smoothly.  Adelyn Bear got a lot of comments - the doctor knew about her and was telling the nurse about her.  But she wasn't there when they did the epidural and someone moved Adelyn Bear and was like whoa that bear is heavy.  And they started talking about her and I wasn't sure what to say, tell the story or what?  Trevor made a few comments and it passed over - I just wasn't in the emotional place to go there.  So my epidural was STRONG and of course my blood pressure dropped like it always does and they pumped me full of fluids.

I think it was after the epidural that the doctor came in and broke my water.  I never had that done before, and I was nervous because there was no going back at that point.  I think I was still only 3 cm.  Thankfully, there was NO meconium this time.  Big relief.

A little while later I started feeling pressure, or so I thought, so they checked me again.  I was only 5 cm maybe and the nurse informed me that we were losing "the race."  I was relaxed and comfortable, I could almost have slept to be honest.  But I thought things would move faster and was worried this was going to take a long time.

Then the nurse or doctor or someone came in and finally I was 10 cm.  They were right when they said once you hit 5 or 6 things moved quickly - it sure did.  I was still super numb, I couldn't even move my legs.  I asked the doctor if the baby would have to be taken to the pediatrician right away since there was no meconium.  She said absolutely not and that I was going to get him if I wanted.  Of course - it's exactly what I wanted, to be the first to hold my baby.  I never got to do that with the girls.

The doctor said that I could try to push, and we could check to see what I could do because maybe I was too numb.  So on the next contraction she had me push.  I pushed and then everyone yelled at me to stop.  Apparently he was right there.  So everyone had to scurry and get their gear on and break down the bed.  Once everything was ready they told me when to push again since I could feel nothing.  It was one more push and he was out.

I remember the moment so clearly, and it is strange to me that it happened that way this time, when I was so disconnected and anxious about things.  I saw the doctor holding him and he was moving around, obviously pink and fine, but he didn't cry immediately.  She was suctioning out his mouth and told him that he needed to cry because his mommy needed to hear that.  And cry he did - I don't think he stopped for a half an hour.  We were like ok buddy, enough!  As soon as he cried, the doctor handed him to me.  I wasn't sure how I was going to react, because I had not allowed myself to get attached to this baby at all.  But I don't think I have ever felt such an instant, intense love before.  It was truly love at first sight.  He was crying, I was crying - it was a moment I will never, ever forget.  Quite honestly, it was a moment that I'm not sure will ever be topped in this life.  I wasn't expecting it to be like that, especially with it being a boy.

I'm thankful that the pushing part was quick and that Coen was a good little boy and did everything he needed to - no heart rate dips, no suction cups, no meconium, and a big cry when he was born.  I needed that. 

I remember so many people telling me "It will be worth it in the end."  I wanted to scream at them and say that no way is anything worth losing a child for - because had Adelyn lived, Coen wouldn't be here.  This pregnancy was probably the MOST difficult thing I have ever done - definitely emotionally the most difficult of my pregnancies. Adelyn's pregnancy was the most difficult physically because of the heat and working up until the end and going a week over due.

And you can all yell "I told you so" to me now.  It's so complicated though, because as much as I wish Adelyn was still here with us, I know Coen wouldn't be if she was - so I can never really answer the question of if it was ALL worth it.  All I can say is that yes, going through the emotional roller coaster of this pregnancy was most certainly worth it.

Coen Micah

October 10, 2011

1:48 pm

7 lbs 14 oz

20.5 inches

Born screaming......music to our ears.

I have to hand it to my husband for actually taking these pictures.  Coen was a "cheesy" little guy when he was born, but I had to share.  They just capture those first few moments so well.  Even though I hate how puffy I got from all the fluids they gave me!

I promise to write about his birth story very soon, right now I'm exhausted.  Just wanted to let everyone know he made it safe and sound.



The Day Before in Pictures

New additions to Adelyn's garden:

Pinkish mums I bought on her birthday.

Faith, Hope, Love stakes I found at Michaels.

I think we have a good stock of diapers.....and yellow clothes.  Most of which are still hanging from Adelyn.

And I'm out of time.......more to come I promise!

Too Much

The title of this post has more than one meaning.  First, I always try to do too much.  Especially right now.  I needed to go return stuff and get some last minute things this morning.  Instead, I went to my neighbor's house and learned how to make bows.  I made Sierra a special rainbow one to wear when she meets rainbow baby:

Isn't it pretty?  They aren't really that hard!  It was a nice morning, chatting with other moms while the kids played.  We are so fortunate that there are so many kids around the same age.  Today there was a 4.5 year old boy, a 4 year old boy, Sierra who is 3.5 and another girl who is 2.5.  They played so nicely.  It was another beautiful day.  Sierra has been super sweet and loving lately.  Days like these, I would give anything to be able to stay home all the time.  But that is not to say every day is like this when you are a stay at home mom.  Certainly I have days that are so difficult, I wish I was at work.  It won't be too long, and I will be :(

Sierra randomly asked multiple times today if Adelyn could wear some of the pretty bows we made.  Sigh.

Today was parent observation day at Sierra's dance class.  She was so cute - even asking the teacher 100 why questions and getting a chuckle out of many of the other parents.  But she kept running over and sitting next to me, giving me hugs, instead of hanging out with the other girls.  Maybe it was because her best buddy wasn't there this week?  Or she knows her time as the one and only center of my universe is diminishing quickly?

I had planned on running my errands when my husband got home from golfing, but then he informed me he may have found a used Ipad on craigslist.  He had to meet the guy at 9, but he couldn't call him until 8:30.  So I couldn't go, and when he called the guy, he didn't answer.  I guess he sold it - which I figured would happen.  And I still didn't get my errands done.

I did finish washing blankets (why do we have like 100 of them?) and the crib sheet and changing table cover.  I was putting them away in the nursery when both Trevor and Sierra came in.  I completely forgot that last year all cribs with the drop rails were recalled and we had received a part to immobolize ours, but never installed it.  I told him this, and he got all weird and said that I had said not to worry about it last year.  I know I never said that, he did.  But that was then.  He made a point that Sierra slept in it and was fine.  Right - but Sierra went through labor and delivery and was fine.  Adelyn went through the same, and was NOT fine.  Just because one baby escapes unharmed, doesn't guarantee another will.  We know that too well.  I was annoyed.

So I tried organzing other stuff and stood there by the closet, looking at Adelyn's coming home outfit.  It is still hanging on the outside of her closet, as it has been for just about the past year.  Except when I put it on our Molly Bear for a bit.  I know I need to move it, so I picked it up.  But where to?  I stood there, holding it, feeling it, not knowing what to do with it, and it just hit me.  The tears came.  I feel like if I put it away, it means I am "forgetting" her.  Which I know could never happen, but still.  I'm not ready to put it in her box, but I can't keep it hanging there either.  Sigh.

On to the other meaning of the title of this post:  This just all feels like too much right now.  Too much, too soon.  I'm not ready to put Adelyn's memory boxes away or her dress.  That is "her" room, I'm not ready for a different baby to take it over.  I thought I was 9 months ago, but it seems the closer I get to it, the less ready I am.  It's just so, so hard right now.  If one more person asks me if I am excited or ready, I may harm them.  No,  I'm not either.

Even my husband doesn't get it.  He talked about installing the car seat Sunday morning.  I told him NO way, he can wait until after.  And he seems to be itching to put the pack and play out.  I don't want it out, not because I think this baby isn't coming home.  Empty baby gear just reminds me - of last year, staring at it.  Then he makes comments that he has no idea how much they bother me.  Usually it happens in front of Sierra or others, so I can't really say much in the moment.

So, I guess tomorrow I will be running my errands before we are off to a wedding.  No resting in this house.

Almost forgot - here's a picture of the pumpkin I bought for Adelyn because it makes me happy and this post needs to end in a happier place.

Up and Down Kind of Day

Today was a beautiful day - sunny and perfect.  I finished my cleaning this morning - I had dusted last night and wanted to vaccuum this morning before I did anything else.  One thing off the to-do list!

I was going to attempt to go grocery shopping this mornng also, but by the time I was done cleaning and showered and ready to go out, it was 11 and that did not leave us enough time since I had my last ultrasound appointment at 1:15.  So we went to Target instead to get wipes and diapers for Sierra.  She has been MUCH better with the potty - 3 dry days in a row and even telling us when she has to go  - but she still needs diapers for nap and bedtime.  And that is ok for now!

My dad watched her while I went to my appointment.  I didn't wait long, which is good.  I had another different tech and she asked me if I had a miscarriage prior or something.  She had no clue.  So I had to tell the whole story.  Then she asked if we named the baby that passed away.  Really?  Of course we did!  That frustrated me.  Then she started asking all these questions, like if I was having nonstress tests and when my last one was, if I was getting a c-section this time (seriously if one more person asks me this I may punch them), etc.  I started getting worried - why was she asking so much? Then she says "Oh the baby is moving great, 8 out of 8 for the biophysical profile." 
 
After the ultrasound I decided to run some errands since I didn't have Sierra and it's easier.  I had to get a wedding gift for my aunt, who is getting remarried after her first husband passed away 8 years ago.  So I got one thing, then after I bought it, a better idea came to mind. I also had been looking for weeks for a picture frame to fit the picture I got for the baby's room.  I wanted white as everything in there is white, but I also did not want to spend $30 on a frame.  So I decided to get silver because it was cheap - then I brought it home and the picture is too thick with the mat so it won't work.  So now I have to return a bunch of stuff - instead of crossing things off my list, I have now ADDED some.

So then I went into Babies R Us to get this Strawberry Shortcake remote control car for Sierra.  She saw it and really wanted it, and with the sale and an extra coupon it's half off.  So she can get it for Christmas or as a reward - we will see.  Except they were out of it.  Ahhh.  I did, however, buy a baby book today.  It was hard - I had one all ready for Adelyn, but never wrote in it.  So I had my cousin take it back for me.  I wanted the same one as Sierra, I LOVE it, but they don't make it any more.  There are two similar ones out there made by the same company that made hers - one is the one I bought for Adelyn - so it was an easy choice to get the other one.  It's so pretty, I love it and hope I get to actually fill it out.  I wanted to buy it now because I knew that is the exact one I wanted, and there is a space for the baby's footprints in it, so I want to have it with me at the hospital.

After this I ran into the mall to get the other gift I thought of and return something.  Well, wouldn't you know I was one day past the 60 day limit for getting a refund, so I could not get the credit on my charge like I wanted.  I had to get store credit - which I am sure I will use, but I really wanted the refund since every little bit helps when the budget is down to one income.  I was so upset, because I had just been in that store Monday and had I brought it then, could have had my money back.  I seriously almost started crying.  Oh, the hormones.....

The positives - I found a few more things for Adelyn's garden and a PINK pumpkin that says HOPE on it.  It was meant for breast cancer awareness, but it reminded me of Adelyn so I bought it.  Even though I should NOT be spending money - that's something you don't find every day.

I really, really wanted to get a pedicure for the wedding.  My feet could use some pampering and I cannot reach to paint my toes.  However, given the money I spent on the pink pumpkin, baby book, and other things, I decided I couldn't spend more.  So - my husband painted my toes for me.  What a guy.  It was quite interesting - he was clueless and made fun of my toes.  It will do.  My cousin painted my toes for me right before I was due the last two times.  With Sierra, I went into labor that night so I had her do it again when I was pregnant with Adelyn.  Except it didn't put me in labor and she said she wasn't going to do it again after the outcome we had.

Sierra seems to be back to her wonderful self again.  She has been cooperative, happy, and accident free!  Tonight she said to my belly, "I love you baby.  I'm going to see you soon."  I think my heart melted at that point.  Picturing the moment when she gets to meet this baby has been one of the few things I have allowed myself to dream of.......

I started packing my bag today.  I also set out Sierra's big sister outfit.  It was hard, I got a major feeling of deja vu.  I'll never forget going in the nursery and finding it thrown in there last year.  It is a different outfit, but it was still hard.  Tomorrow I am going to a neighbor's house to make a special rainbow bow for her to wear when she meets rainbow baby.  And yes, it's the neighbor's house who has the baby girl that was so hard for me to be around at first.  Time and considerate, sweet people DO heal.

Just a little more randomness - I heard this song on the way to my ultrasound appointment.  I have always loved it, but it certainly rings even more true these days.  I need to make it my theme song for the next few days:

One Year

It's been one year since I held her, felt her, touched her.  What I wouldn't give for just one more moment with her in my arms.


This picture was taken at the funeral home.  We did not have a viewing or anything, but I decided that I needed to see her one more time.  That was the best decision I ever made.  Because we chose to have an autopsy performed, the hospital would not/could not remove the breathing tube from her mouth.  It was so hard to see her like that.  All I wanted was to see her without the tube, to have a picture of her in my head and maybe even on my camera of her.  We had gone in to make arrangements, decide on an urn, etc. and at some point I asked if it was possible to see her again, hoping the tube would be gone.  The person helping us (what is the correct term for that?) said she would see if she was "viewable" since she had an autopsy and get back to us.  She quickly called back and said yes we could see her the next day.

I vividly remember that morning, exactly one year ago today.  I was SO nervous, I felt sick to my stomach.  I was afraid of what she was going to look like, yet I needed to see her without the tube. I was worried since we didn't have a viewing or get a casket we would have to go see her where they kept all the bodies or something. I remember them taking us into a room and there she was, dressed all in pink, wrapped in this soft, fuzzy blanket, no tube in her mouth.  She took my breath away, she was so beautiful and peaceful.  I truly believe seeing her like that was a major turning point for me.  I needed that.  I think that I will forever be grateful to the funeral home for doing something the hospital failed to do - making her look peaceful, dressing her in regular clothes, treating her with respect.  While she did look different since it had been 4 days and an autopsy, the pictures I took are one of my most cherished possessions.

September 29, 2011

I was up late the night before, working on the video I made for Adelyn.  Probably it was around 11:30 or 12 when I finally got up from the computer.  I went downstairs, thinking I could decompress and watch a little TV.  Even though it was late, I needed to unwind. I only made it halfway through Grey's Anatomy before nodding off.  So I went back upstairs to get ready for bed.  I usually brush my teeth in the office or extra bathroom so I don't wake Trevor up.  So I came in the office and saw something moving around outside.  I looked closer and saw that someone had put ballooons on our mailbox.  It made me smile - someone remembered.  I couldn't figure out who did it, because I knew it had to be sometime fairly late at night.  Here's a picture from the next day:

It was nice because when Sierra woke up, she asked why there were balloons on the mailbox and I got to tell her because it was Adelyn's birthday. We had talked about it before, but she needed a reminder.  It was really windy that day, and as the day went on the balloons somehow blew off.  I like to think they went to heaven to see Adelyn.

The morning was uneventful. Trevor worked from home and the only place he can hook up  his computer is in the family room, which is where all Sierra's toys are.  So she kept interrupting him and it was windy and sort of rainy out, so we could not go outside.  I decided to run a few errands for later that day and take her with me.  It felt good to get out, took my mind off of things and kept me busy.  I still find it hard to stay home all day most of the time.  So we went to Target to print some picture for Adelyn's scrapbook, then to Lowe's to buy flowers to plant (we bought pink mums - I thought this was perfect since they are a fall flower and fall is Adelyn's season).  I also decided to buy the garden sculpture I have been wanting.  Then we went to buy 3 balloons to release to Adelyn, one from each of us, at the Dollar Store.  I was excited when I saw they had pink hearts - perfect.  But their helium tank wasn't working - boo.  So we bought lots of stuff for Halloween but nothing we went in for!  Then we went to the grocery store to buy a cake and got plain pink balloons.  I also saw mini rose bushes and they had one that was a different shade of pink than the one in her garden.  They do really well there so I decided to buy it, since we bought one last year as well for her.

Then we came home and had lunch and Sierra gave us trouble about napping.  Trevor worked his magic and got her to sleep.  A little while later, the UPS truck came by and I figured it was for our neighbor since I knew I hadn't ordered anything.  But it was for us- flowers.  I was trying to figure out who could have sent them before I opened the card, but couldn't. So when I opened the card and saw it was from Trevor's cousin who shares a birthday with Adelyn, the emotions started hitting me.  Then at that exact moment, I realized that Trevor had the TV on (as usual) and City of Angels the movie was on. The song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan was playing right as we were opening the flowers.  This is one of the songs that we played at Adelyn's funeral.  Then I really started feeling emotional and my eyes welled up with tears.  I think I got the chills, and I just felt Adelyn's presence in that moment.  Wow.

Trevor decided to run out for a bit and I was left with a napping Sierra and quiet house.  It was hard, I started thinking about last year at that time.  All the neighbors were outside and I could hear the kids playing.  Everyone going about their usual day, everyone but us.  It reminded me of hearing car doors and seeing the parents drop their kids off last year, while I laid in bed without my baby girl. 

When Trevor finally got home, we ate a quick dinner and headed outside because we wanted to release the balloons around the time she was born.

We watched the balloons float up to the sky and then planted her rose bush.

I love the soft shade of pink on the roses and the little girl holding a butterfly sort of makes me think of Sierra and her sister.  Or that the girl is Adelyn playing with butterflies in Heaven.  Either thought is a beautiful one.

Then we decided to take our dog on a walk and put up some more Halloween decorations.  In the process, we chatted with some neighbors.  I figured out it was one of them who put the balloons on our mailbox - I figured since I know the one is probably the only other person on our street up that late!  It was such a sweet thing to do though, I am so grateful that she thought of us.  I definitely got a ton of texts and Facebook messages that day as well.  Some people who are not even on Facebook remembered - not sure how they remembered the exact date, but it was nice.  I loved seeing the pictures of people wearing  pink or lighting their candles for Adelyn.

Finally we came inside and had ice cream cake. Sierra sang  happy birthday to Adelyn and blew out her candle.

Then we gave Sierra a present from Adelyn - big sister/little sister dolls.  I had wanted to get them for her last year, but never did.  Then after Adelyn died, I couldn't even look at them without feeling sad.  Until one day - and they were on sale so I got them.  I never want her to forget that she is a big sister to a little sister, no matter what gender rainbow baby is.

Probably not the best idea to give Sierra a new doll right before bed, because she wanted to play instead of sleep.  Trevor tucked her all in and I went in to give her a good night hug and kiss to this:

I sometimes have to wonder if Sierra ends up being twice as spoiled because we shower her with love and gifts meant for two little girls.

Here is our candle burning for Adelyn all day on her birthday:

I still can't believe it has been one whole year.  Yet, it really seems like it was yesterday in so many ways.  I'm not sure if it's the weather, the dates, or knowing I am going back to that same hospital to have a different baby - but I miss my baby girl more than ever right now.

Mixed Emotions

I'm not sure I can really even put into words how I am feeling today, but I am going to try in hopes it will help me feel better.

It was rainy and cool today - exactly the same kind of weather last year when we came home from the hospital without our baby girl.  Dreary weather always seems to get me down, but it's worse right now.  It is just sending me back to last year and making me very, very sad.  I just miss her so much.

Some comments from people are really getting to me.  Innocent, well meaning ones.  But when I am in a "missing Adelyn" mood, they bother me.  For example, tonight we were at my brother's house because my nephew is getting baptized tomorrow and family from out of town were there.  It just felt weird, that they have 2 kids in their house before us.  Like we are asking them stuff now - it's just strange.  Plus seeing all the baby gear and remembering how you can never sit down to eat dinner with a newborn.  Then my dad said something to my husband about being ready to go back to that stage and he said, well I guess I don't have a choice, jokingly of course.  But it just bothered me, why I don't know.  I was SO ready a year ago.  And now I'm not so sure - am I really ready?  The only thing I wanted more the past year than having Adelyn back, was another baby to hold and love.  And now we are just over a week away from it, and I'm not sure I want it any more.  Like I just got used to life as it is and feel somewhat happy with it, content, accepting.  And now it's going to change again.  It's scary.

And then there is the physical discomfort.  I can't bend over for the life of me, which makes taking care of a 3 year old interesting.  I'm exhausted, because I stay up late and then I wake up at 7 no matter when I finally go to bed.  It's not that I can't sleep, I just stay up to watch TV or blog or work on the video for Adelyn, etc.  I sleep but not long enough, and that isn't going to get any better.  The past few days I've been having major heartburn - it's very annoying and uncomfortable.  I switched prenatal vitamins because the one I was one isn't available anymore.  Not sure if that is it or not?  But I can't take much more of it - my throat is on fire most of the time, and I'm hungry but eating  makes it worse.  I just want this to be over with, yet at the same time I am so scared.  As strange as it sounds, I am more scared of actually bringing a baby home this time than I am of NOT.  I don't get it.