Bad Day

Today started out not so bad. For once I didn't leave my dr. appointment wanting to cry. It may be the first time in this pregnancy. Progress I say! Baby did well on the nonstress test - the nurse even found the heartbeat way down low which gave me hope that maybe s/he is the right way now. I saw the dr. who delivered Adelyn and hadn't seen her since the beginning of summer. It's funny how things work with us - she said she was just thinking the other day that she hadn't seen me in awhile (my last two appointments were with a different dr) and thought about calling me to check in earlier this week but got crazy busy. Then today she saw my name on her schedule. It always seems to be that way with her - like she will call to check on me out of the blue and it's always when I needed to vent or talk to someone!

Sierra was not so good today and that was the turning point of the day. She had been accident free for 5 days in a row. Today broke that - she peed her pants not once, not twice, but THREE times! Sigh. The first was when my cousin was watching her, she always seems to do it when I'm not around. I wasn't that upset, she was playing outside and never wants to come in. During her nap it started getting HOT and so I started getting cranky! She played with the neighbors for a bit after nap then we came in to cook and cool off. I was also trying to pay bills and get all that fun stuff done. She refused to go on the potty or listen to me and sat by the front door and at some point, peed her pants. Ahhhh......

Then I cooked this good dinner because I had meat that needed to be cooked and potatoes that were going bad. But, I am the only one who ate it - hubby wasn't feeling well and is stressed with work stuff (which I might add is NOT a good mix with my moodiness) and Sierra sat there and played with her food instead of eating it, and at some point peed her pants in the process.

And to top off the evening, I swear I feel baby's head back up top again. Sigh. So while I made it through the dr. appointment without crying, I did not make it through the day as everything piled up and just got to me. I miss my baby girl. Although I know these bad days would still happen if she were here.

All I can think about is that song "Bad Day."

11 months

Today really could have come and gone like any other day. The 29th day of the month doesn't bother me nearly as much now. I continue to acknowledge it on Facebook and such because had Adelyn lived, I would have posted a picture with her height/weight stats and what she was doing, just like I did for Sierra, for her first year. Plus, I take every opportunity to make others remember her. I'm always afraid people forget because I seem "fine" now.

Today was the first day of school. I heard school buses, I heard car doors closing and sounds of the other kids being dropped off at Sierra's baby-sitter's house across the street. It's beautiful weather here, we have all the windows open. Actually, it feels like fall. I couldn't help but think, as I laid there in bed and listened to those sounds, of the last time I laid in bed on those fall days after Adelyn died. I heard those same noises and it was a harsh reminder back then that life goes on. Today, it didn't bother me, except to remind me of last year. Actually I sort of thought, glad it's you going to worok and not me :)

It was very strange to NOT be going to work. That being said, I really wasn't sad about it. I hope all moms who get to stay home with their kids realize how lucky they are. But I know I have a good job where I help other kids and I work very close to home, have a short work day, and summers off, so it could be WAY worse.

Sierra and I really had a wonderful day together. No fighting with her, she listened, stayed dry, and was just genuinely pleasant all day. She did not complain about bath and went right to bed. If only every day was like this!

One thing I do feel the need to vent about though - material things. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE to shop, I spend lots of time looking for bargains on the things I want. I have expensive taste when it comes to everything, but I make sure to use coupons on top of sales so I can get it as cheap as possible, or buy it used. I work hard so that I can buy what I want - within reason of course - I would still love an Audi TT convertible but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. People can get so bent out of shape over things. Without going into details, I just wish some people could get a reality check. I would gladly give up every single thing I own, if I could just have my daughter back. Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill!!!

I can't believe it's been almost a year. The next month is going to be difficult, as I am not working and have too much time to think about last year. Hopefully I can focus on some things I want to do for her first birthday in Heaven and on getting ready for rainbow baby. I'm already in the organizing mood, might as well take advantage of it.

Back to Work

When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought October was the perfect month. I figured I could get by the rest of the school year without the kids knowing I was pregnant, and then just not come back until after the baby was born. For some reason, dealing with being pregnant again after a loss and little kids did not seem like a good mix. I could just hear the questions - "Is this baby going to die too?" Among others. In fact, some of the kids I'm not sure really understood. I will say that quite a few asked me towards the end of the school year if I had a baby in my belly. I lied and said no and then explained why you should not ask a woman that question. I mean, as a speech therapist, I teach social skills, and that is one that some adults don't even understand. You don't ask that question because what if the woman is NOT pregnant - how do you think she would feel? Unless it is obvious, don't ask. You can ask someone else who you think might know, but not that person. Trust me, I had a few people ask me when I was only 15 weeks or so and it wasn't obvious. I was angry about that, because when they asked I wasn't going to lie, they were people who would have to know at some point when I didn't come back the next year. But because they asked before I was ready to tell, they ended up knowing before the people I wanted to know and before some of my friends at work. And so I felt pressured to tell those other people, for fear they would hear it through the grape vine.

Anyway, my initial plan was to go back to work after the first semester of school was over - in mid January. However, I used up all my sick days for my leave after Adelyn. So all but 12 days of it would be unpaid, plus I would lose my insurance after those 12 days plus 12 weeks of FMLA. We are a two income family - meaning, we need both incomes to pay our bills. My income is not just spending money, without it, we can't cover all the expenses, even if you take out the childcare expense due to me working. We have money saved, yes, but for me to take off that long would deplete a lot of it, not to mention it would be a big hassle to switch over to hubby's insurance.

So, I became content with using all my sick/personal days I will get with a new school year, plus 12 weeks of FMLA. But, to get my sick days for the year, I had to actually start the school year. This gave me a LOT of anxiety - I didn't actually tell a lot of people I was pregnant because the end of the school year was REALLY tough for me. Every time I thought I was ready, something came up and I would be in a bad place and not able to deal with the excitement others would have for me, because I didn't have it. So I sort of "hid" out in a sense and got done what needed and wasn't very social.

The first day back to work, there is a huge gathering of the whole district at an assembly where the band plays and a luncheon. I remember last year seeing lots of people I hadn't seen and talking about Adelyn and that. Deja vu? This year, I thought there is NO way I can handle seeing all those people, being pregnant again, and everyone knowing what happened and not knowing I was pregnant again. But I had to do it. I was so anxious about it. Turns out it wasn't so bad because I ended up running into a few of the teachers I was worried about before that day. I guess I can handle a few people at a time finding out, but not a bunch fussing at once. A lot of people told me that they suspected at the end of last year, but didn't want to ask. THANK YOU! I told them that - I'm glad there are people with tact left in the world.

So, I did my two days this week and now I am done. But why I am I feeling MORE stressed now that I don't have to work until December 9th? I haven't met my sub yet and I think I sort of screwed myself. I know I'm going to end up doing work from home or even going in to do it, but yet I'm already on leave. I should have just started back for a little bit, but I just mentally cannot handle the kids seeing me pregnant. Plus, I have to admit I was exhaused after working two days last week and two this week. Most of the buildings don't have air conditioning either - I still don't know how I did it last year (and all that suffering for what?) Plus I'm super cranky and may not be much fun for the kids right now. I can't even think about work stuff, all I can obsess over is this pregnancy and the what ifs. Then I think maybe being busy would help me. I just don't know. I know it's going to feel weird Monday when I see school buses and everyone else is at work and I should be, but I'm not. I just want a sense of "normal" again.

Off topic, but I have seen school buses drive around lately. And guess what it made me think of? I was driving to my 6 week check up, where I knew we would be getting the autopsy results back, about 2 days before I was going back to work last November. The sight of the bus made me start crying as I was driving there because I was so anxious about going back to work. Now, I have seen many many buses since that day, but for some reason this past week, seeing the buses reminded me of that exact moment. Strange. I guess I have a lot of these moments to look forward to as we near the one year anniversary and at almost the same time, another pregnancy almost at the same timeline as Adelyn's.

Give me strength, God. It's going to be a difficult 6 weeks to come.

Triggers

Lately, I can't seem to stop reliving, thinking about the past. Random things have really triggered me. Today Sierra and I ran over to the outlets and as we were walking in, "her" song was playing. For some reason, I got the biggest feeling of deja vu. The day Adelyn was born, Sierra and I went to the outlets right before I went into labor. And so I started thinking about that. Then earlier this week, I was typing an e-mail to a friend who goes to the same group of doctors as me and is also pregnant. I was talking about how much I liked the doctor who delivered Adelyn, even though I had never met her until the day I arrived at the hospital in labor because she was new and was never at the office when I needed appointments in the last month or two of my pregnancy. And just typing that, totally made me relive that day. And as I am typing it now, I am thinking about it again. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach.

And this is why I care so much about having another natural childbirth. I am so sick of people telling me that it won't matter how the baby gets here, as long as s/he is healthy. That I won't care after it's over with.

What they don't realize is that maybe that will be true, maybe not. I'm more complicated than your average mother to be. That being said, it does NOT ease my tension and worry for the next 7 weeks. It consumes my mind, my fear of being cut open and recovery afterwards. Along with other emotional issues that come along with that - if I was going to have a c-section, then I should have done it last time and probably my baby would have lived. Why did SHE have to die, so that I could just go and have a c-section the next time? Does that even make sense? But then I feel guilty towards rainbow baby, because if Adelyn hadn't died, s/he would probably not be growing in my belly.

Another, bigger reason I so desire a natural birth is because I NEED to relive childbirth with a happy ending. I really don't want my last experience of labor and giving birth to be such a sad, heartbreaking one. I guess I hope that having a successful labor and delivery will help "erase" a bit of the scars from Adelyn's birth. I know it will never go away completely. But it would be the most recent experience in my head, the freshest. A c-section is a totally different experience, and while for some having the complete opposite experience is easier for them, that is not me. I want exactly the same one, but a living baby at the end.

I keep getting my hopes up that baby has turned. It's amazing what just thinking that maybe it happened does for my mood - I feel such a huge weight off my shoulders, at least for those short moments. And then I realize that nope, I'm pretty sure that is still the head up there. And it's a downward spiral.

Pregnancy hormones are killing me right now. I'm so cranky, I can barely even stand myself! Ugh. I guess it's a good thing I am not going back to work or else all the kids would probably complain about how mean I am! Poor Sierra as well, my patience is so lacking with her right now. She really has been through so much the past two years, with a pregnant and hormonal mother or a grieving mother for most of that time. I think she and my husband both deserve some sort of prize for living with me. Oh, and I know just what that prize can be - the labor and delivery story that I want ending with a screaming, healthy baby. Please?

Finally......

Since Adelyn died, I have felt like anything else that could happen to make life harder - happened. Let's see....every single baby born to a teacher or employee in the district I work was a girl. A neighbor had a baby girl, one of the mom's at Sierra's baby-sitter had a girl. My baby was breech again. Sierra was still having potty training issues. Just what I needed on top of everything else!

One thing that was super difficult for me that I never blogged about was when I found out my brother and sister-in-law were expecting their second child. This should have been a happy occasion. Instead, I was in tears for days. I was supposed to be next, not them. It had only been four months since Adelyn died, but I was frustrated that I wasn't pregnant again and they were. It didn't seem like the people I thought should understand, did. Many of the friends that I go to to talk about Adelyn and all the things that are difficult for me because she died, understood though. Mostly their reactions were the same, "I'm sorry." Which is what I wanted to hear - not congratulations like I should have heard and wanted to hear.

But, what do you know that two days later I figured out that I was also pregnant. I'm thinking those hormones made my reaction a bit worse. So then I started to worry - what if they had another girl and I didn't? They already had one daughter, and hearing of anyone having their 2nd daughter is probably the hardest for me. That's what I was going to have - two daughters, but my second daughter didn't make it. And so no matter who it is, my first reaction to someone having a second girl is jealously and usually tears. I hope someday that will change, because I don't like it. Some people I can avoid, or not really have to see if I chose not to, until or if I am ready to. But not my brother - I would have to face it, and I wasn't sure I was strong enough to stare at two little girls doing the things together that my two little girls would never get to do.

I continued to worry and pray that they would have a boy. I wanted a nephew, we needed a boy in the family and I wanted someone to carry on my maiden name. I was almost afraid to wish for a boy though, because it seemed lately that no matter what I wished for, the opposite would happen.

And so, on August 9th, FINALLY something I wished for came true. I have a perfect, healthy nephew. I really needed that. I hope the tides are turning (and that my baby is turning too!).

In addition to that, I feel like Sierra finally understands that there is a baby in my belly - a different baby. Sometimes she is still confused. But she talks to the baby now in this sweet little voice - "Hi little baby. I love you little baby." And then touches my belly so gently and kisses it. It's amazing what a difference a year makes in the life of a toddler. She never did that when I was pregnant with Adelyn. Sometimes she asks what the baby is doing in there. And then she will say "Mommy, I think the baby wants to come out now." I think she can't wait.

I never expected this question though. Over breakfast the day after my nephew was born, she looked at me and said "But how is the baby going to get out of your belly? There's no door." Hmmmm. How to explain that? I just told her the doctors have to help and she was happy with that.......for now.

Ahhh, 3 year olds. Not sure where I would be without mine, that's for sure. Always a good laugh or sweet moment to be had with them.

Father Daughter Moments

I should be sleeping, but I can't. Not because of the pregnancy. I really haven't had problems sleeping because of that - yet. But maybe I won't. Maybe one thing will be easy about this pregnancy.

I can't sleep because I was watching one of my favorite shows tonight. I didn't get to start it until late because Sierra wanted me to lay with her again tonight. She fell asleep with me laying next to her for the 2nd night in a row. She was cuddling her favorite doll while I cuddled her. Ah, I love that kid. She is such a mommy's girl lately. It's all about mommy and she wants nothing to do with daddy. I guess because I am with her so much more than him, but you'd think she would be sick of me!

But anyway - I wanted to see who made the finale of So You Think You Can Dance, so I decided I would finish last night's episode before watching tonight's and find out. I couldn't wait, and to be honest I always seem to get my second wind. And then one of those unexpected moments hit me - HARD. One of the final three girls was performing and they showed her dad in the audience. I think they talked to each of the contestants parent(s) during this episode. This dad was all emotional and said, "I wish all fathers could experience this. It's such an amazing feeling." Or something similar to that. And in that moment, my mind flashed to my husband and Adelyn and how he will never get to do that. Usually when I think of the moments we are missing, it is more of the girly stuff that moms love to do that I think of, and of course the sister stuff. I have thought about father/daughter stuff when it comes to weddings, but otherwise I really hadn't thought of it. Until tonight. I know that we do have another daughter that we will get to sit in the audience during a dance recital or play or some sort of event she is in and be so proud of her. But what if......what if Adelyn would have/could have been the one to be on a show like that? I guess we will never know.

But now I have to wonder - will those moments we DO get to cherish and experience with Sierra always be bittersweet? Am I going to think of Adelyn and how we don't get to do these things with her too? On Sierra's wedding day, am I going to look at her maid of honor and think that should be Adelyn? I guess time will tell.

I just miss her so much lately. I'm not sure exactly what has triggered it, but I feel like I took quite a few steps backward in my grief over the past few days. Maybe it's anxiety about this pregnancy, maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's watching Sierra grow and learn and enjoying those moments so much and wishing I could have them again with my other daughter. I have a doctor's apointment tomorrow, and that usually stirs a lot of this up, but typically not till afterwards. So I'm a bit nervous about how it is going to go.

For now, I guess I should try to get some sleep in case Sierra decides to get up early tomorrow. I have lots to do and need not be tired. However, I haven't been very productive lately. I just really want to sit around and mope.

One of Those Days

Yesterday was "one of those days." So far, today isn't much better though.

Sierra peed her pants yesterday morning. I was frustrated a bit, she had been almost accident free for about 5 days. I don't really count when she runs to the potty and maybe doesn't make it quite in time - at least she is trying. I expect that to happen - a lot at first. But when she pees her pants and says nothing and just continues playing in wet underwear - I get angry.

We finally got out the door to grocery shop - a chore I HATE. We needed so much, it had been over 2 weeks since I did a big trip. Things were not quite fitting in the cart. Maybe those 4 big jugs of bubbles for $1 each took up too much room, but I couldn't pass up that deal. (FYI they are not all for me - one to keep at my mom's house because she never has any and one for my niece because she loves bubbles right now). The bill wasn't as bad as I thought, given I did buy some "unneccesary" items that were on clearance and a birthday gift. When we walked outside, it was drizzling, but not bad. As soon as we got to the car, the rain started coming down. There was nothing else to do except load Sierra in the car and then load up 2 weeks worth of food in the rain. Fun. And then I found out Sierra peed her pants AGAIN while in the store, after I asked her about 10 times if she had to. I can always tell when she does, but she will say no and refuse to go. Sigh.

So we got home and had lunch and she went down for a nap. I wanted to organize some things, but never seem to get anything done during nap and it frustrates me! Sierra woke up and it was still kinda yucky out so we stayed in. She refused the potty before and after her nap, which is one of the rules in this house. So I took more toys away for lack of a better strategy to use when she doesn't listen. Then we went downstairs and she sat on the kitchen floor and peed per pants. That was the final straw, or so I thought. I made her clean it up and rinse out her pants and go to time out, and took yet another toy.

So then I tried to calm down and start dinner, being it was after 6. Add to the frustration that my hubby was working late. I went to pick up the can we keep the rice in, and it was sort of buried behind all the extra new food I bought and needed to store in the pantry. Being 7 months pregnant, bending over isn't easy. And so in the process, the lid came off the container and rice went everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I stared at it in disbelief for a minute, then realized that this was beyond the final straw. So I just sat there, on the kitchen floor, in the middle of rice everywhere, and cried. Out of frustration. My day was not going very well. I was frustrated because my pregnant belly got in the way. Didn't a just do this and for what? Why do I have to do this again? I don't want to, I just want my baby girl back.

Sierra just stood there and stared at me and kept saying that someone needed to clean up the mess. Perhaps it was good for her to see me that upset and know she needs to start behaving. Maybe it's not good for her to see that, I don't know. But I just couldn't help it.

Some days, it's all just more than I can handle. Hormones, grief, and a toddler just don't mix well a lot of the time.