4/20

I was reminded today by my wonderful high school student that it is 4/20 - national "weed" day as he called it. I had to laugh at that. But then I remembered - 4/20 - Sierra's original due date, 3 years ago. How can that have been 3 years ago? In some ways it feels like a different life, a naive life where I didn't know or realize you could get to your due date and still have your baby die. And yet it seems like yesterday - I still remember what I was doing that day. I believe we were at Lowe's shopping for porch furniture and someone asked me when I was due and I said "TODAY!" That night I had contractions and thought, this is it. Then they went away. Stubborn little girl wanted to wait 3 more days. Surely it was a sign of what was to come!

So I have been riding a pretty good high lately. Unfortunately, we all know that all good things come to an end. Tonight was just a bad night. Sierra had a great day at the baby-sitter's, stayed dry all day and gave me a big hug when I picked her up (sometimes she throws fits because she does not want to leave). Of course she came home with wet underwear, but I wasn't that mad because she was outside playing and that makes it all the harder to come in to pee! So I changed her and put another pair of pants on her so she could show my cousins her new swingset. I had been putting skirts with no underwear on her, which was working like a charm. My cousins dropped off her birthday present because she always has to give it as soon as she buys it. ha ha. So I let Sierra watch her new Dora sing-a-long video while I changed out of my work clothes and started dinner. When I went to check her - yep another pee. So I turned off the video and she threw a MAJOR fit, refused to put her skirt on without underwear, screamed, kicked, etc. We put her in time out and she kept screaming and then peed all over the time out bench onto the hardwood floor. Nice. Finally I took her upstairs and put her in her room and shut the door to let her calm down. It worked. But it was too late for me - already my decent mood was gone.

And now my mind is back to thinking. I don't like this - I much prefer how I was thinking the past week or so - hopeful, thankful for what I have. But nope - tonight I am wallowing. Sad about what I don't have. Probably this has a little bit to do with the fact that tomorrow, the one mom whose girls go to the same baby-sitter and just had a 3rd baby girl 3 weeks ago, is coming over for the Easter Egg hunt at her house (which in case you forgot is right across the street from mine). Now, I am thankful that this time the baby-sitter told me in advance so I knew and could be prepared. That helps a LOT. And she told me tonight that the mom was going to try to not have the baby out and about when I get home because she knows it's hard. Yes, these things mean a lot to me and are very helpful. BUT I have to be mentally strong to face it - my mind has to be completley focused on that moment and not anything else, or else it is too hard. Plus, you cannot control what kids say and do. Obviously the two older sisters are going to want to show off the baby and don't understand why I can't be excited about her. So I just plan on staying away I think - unless my mood does a 180 by tomorrow. I just cannot handle all the excitement and oohing and ahhing over a new baby - it makes me realize what I didn't get to do. I know I will get to do that again someday, but not with Adelyn. Not with that baby girl who was so beautiful, but I never got to show her off :(

And so I'm also worried about what this is going to stir up in Sierra. Lately she has been randomly saying "I have a sister but we can't see her because she lives really far away." And then "Someday we can go there." And "I don't know how we get there. How do we get there? Maybe we need to check the map." So sweet and innocent, yet heartbreaking at the same time.

I hope that tomorrow goes quickly and uneventfully for us all.