Family Drawing

Today Sierra made her first family picture/drawing at the baby-sitter's. She said that Sierra made it all by herself.

When you ask her who is in the picture, she says "Daddy, Mommy, Sierra, Nicco (our dog) and baby sister." Our poor cat didn't make it into the family, I guess. But it warms my heart that she included "baby sister." As much as I tell her Adelyn's name, I think she may always be "baby sister" to Sierra. After all, that is what we referred to her as when I was pregnant, being she did not have a name until like a day before she was born.

I think I finally found something Sierra got from me - artistic ability. Or should I say lack of it!

The Plan

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I feel confident that this is true. That God has a plan for me. This plan maybe is going to reveal to me WHY. Why was I the one chosen to have my baby die? Why did she have to die? I really believe somehow it is going to be revealed to me as His plan unfolds. I'm having a hard time being patient. I want to know NOW. So many things have been thrown my way to make losing my daughter HARDER, not easier. Let's see......neighbor that I really like had a baby girl in December. I'm kinda ok with it now, although I really just have to not think too much when she is out. The baby's mom has been really kind and considerate since I reached out to her and told her how hard it was for me. However, a few times I glanced out my window on a weekend or day off while I was doing stuff in the house and saw Sierra's baby-sitter crouched down and touching/looking at/playing with the baby and my heart just completely sank. She should be doing that to MY baby, too. She was supposed to watch her, too. Then one of the other moms whose 2 older girls go to the same baby-sitter had another girl about 4 weeks ago. She was over there today, for what reason I do not know - she is not back to work yet and she does not live in our neighborhood. I was kind of angry about it - you have all day to go hang out over there, do you have to show up at exactly the time I need to go pick my kid up? Two baby girls in that driveway is just too much for me right now. I could see the moms talking from afar and my mind went there - imaging what they were talking about. Thinking about how I should be standing there with my baby girl too, discussing feeding and teething and sleeping habits. Wondering why life has to be so cruel. At least they could have had boys, which would have been a little easier for me to deal with I think. Then there are the 8 baby girls born in a row at work in the past 6 months, and my brother and sister in law expecting their second baby in August. So many things.

Please God, can you reveal just a little bit to me? Can you help me to understand why all these things had to happen to me on top of my baby dying? I know there is a reason, it is part of your plan. But I am really struggling to understand it all right now. I just need to understand, to know a little more, so that I can stop feeling so frustrated.

Birthday Girl!

Today my big girl turned 3. I can't even believe it. Where does the time go? Sometimes I wish she would stay little, but then it seems as if every year, every stage I find myself saying "this is my favorite age." I probably won't be saying that when she is 13, however!

I have really enjoyed making photo montages to music lately. Of course I decided that Sierra needed one, and of course I had the song picked out months ago. "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. This is referred to in our family as "Sierra's Song." From the first moment I heard it, it has always reminded me of her. I remember driving around last summer, and it was on, and I would get all teary eyed from the pregnancy hormones. I have written about this before - I would think "I am the luckiest woman alive" - because I had this perfect, beautiful little girl singing along with me in the backseat, and another one on the way. Or so I thought.

At Adelyn's funeral, I decided that we would play this song for Sierra at the very end. Just so that when everyone else heard it, they would think of her. A little sunshine to a very sad day. It worked like a charm, although it still gets me teary eyed when I hear it. Every time.

As I searched through the thousands of pictures of Sierra, things sort of hit me a bit. I didn't realize it would be SO emotional. There are so many reasons why. I look at myself back then and I feel like I almost don't recognize that person - so happy, naive, natural. Nothing was forced, unlike today where smiles just sometimes seem fake. I long to be that person again, but how can I be? You cannot live through losing your child without becoming a bit more guarded and having sadness be a part of many moments of each day. I also looked at all those moments and realized once again that we will never get to share those with Adelyn. Another big reason this was hard - and this may seem a bit superficial, but no mother of a daughter doesn't get all excited about all the cute girly clothes. You have to admit Sierra was/is one well-dressed girl (all on a budget of course, remember I am married to an accountant). I was weird about taking pictures of her in all my favorite outfits, so looking back through them reminded me of all those adorable girly outfits. I was really so excited and looking forward to Adelyn wearing all those things. At the same time, on a positive note, the pictures reminded me of how blessed we are to have this little girl here with us, to provide us with such happiness. We were able to share all those moments with her, provide her with so many things that many parents cannot do. She is happy, so healthy, meeting all her developtmental milestones on track, and beautiful. It could be SO much worse. However, lately I have been stuck in the "not fair" mode. That story I will save for another post. Hopefully I can pull myself out of it.

So today, Sierra had breakfast with the Easter bunny, rode the rainbow train, jumped in the Bouncy House, fed baby animals a bottle of milk, made a potted plant, swung on her new swingset, and went to get ice cream. I'd say she is a happy little girl, and that uplifts my heart, at least for today. We love you Sierra Ashley! The best thing to ever happen to us.

4/20

I was reminded today by my wonderful high school student that it is 4/20 - national "weed" day as he called it. I had to laugh at that. But then I remembered - 4/20 - Sierra's original due date, 3 years ago. How can that have been 3 years ago? In some ways it feels like a different life, a naive life where I didn't know or realize you could get to your due date and still have your baby die. And yet it seems like yesterday - I still remember what I was doing that day. I believe we were at Lowe's shopping for porch furniture and someone asked me when I was due and I said "TODAY!" That night I had contractions and thought, this is it. Then they went away. Stubborn little girl wanted to wait 3 more days. Surely it was a sign of what was to come!

So I have been riding a pretty good high lately. Unfortunately, we all know that all good things come to an end. Tonight was just a bad night. Sierra had a great day at the baby-sitter's, stayed dry all day and gave me a big hug when I picked her up (sometimes she throws fits because she does not want to leave). Of course she came home with wet underwear, but I wasn't that mad because she was outside playing and that makes it all the harder to come in to pee! So I changed her and put another pair of pants on her so she could show my cousins her new swingset. I had been putting skirts with no underwear on her, which was working like a charm. My cousins dropped off her birthday present because she always has to give it as soon as she buys it. ha ha. So I let Sierra watch her new Dora sing-a-long video while I changed out of my work clothes and started dinner. When I went to check her - yep another pee. So I turned off the video and she threw a MAJOR fit, refused to put her skirt on without underwear, screamed, kicked, etc. We put her in time out and she kept screaming and then peed all over the time out bench onto the hardwood floor. Nice. Finally I took her upstairs and put her in her room and shut the door to let her calm down. It worked. But it was too late for me - already my decent mood was gone.

And now my mind is back to thinking. I don't like this - I much prefer how I was thinking the past week or so - hopeful, thankful for what I have. But nope - tonight I am wallowing. Sad about what I don't have. Probably this has a little bit to do with the fact that tomorrow, the one mom whose girls go to the same baby-sitter and just had a 3rd baby girl 3 weeks ago, is coming over for the Easter Egg hunt at her house (which in case you forgot is right across the street from mine). Now, I am thankful that this time the baby-sitter told me in advance so I knew and could be prepared. That helps a LOT. And she told me tonight that the mom was going to try to not have the baby out and about when I get home because she knows it's hard. Yes, these things mean a lot to me and are very helpful. BUT I have to be mentally strong to face it - my mind has to be completley focused on that moment and not anything else, or else it is too hard. Plus, you cannot control what kids say and do. Obviously the two older sisters are going to want to show off the baby and don't understand why I can't be excited about her. So I just plan on staying away I think - unless my mood does a 180 by tomorrow. I just cannot handle all the excitement and oohing and ahhing over a new baby - it makes me realize what I didn't get to do. I know I will get to do that again someday, but not with Adelyn. Not with that baby girl who was so beautiful, but I never got to show her off :(

And so I'm also worried about what this is going to stir up in Sierra. Lately she has been randomly saying "I have a sister but we can't see her because she lives really far away." And then "Someday we can go there." And "I don't know how we get there. How do we get there? Maybe we need to check the map." So sweet and innocent, yet heartbreaking at the same time.

I hope that tomorrow goes quickly and uneventfully for us all.