Sigh....

Today was one of those days where I just could not stop sighing all day long. Almost from the moment I woke up, the sighs just started. I read somewhere that sighing is an expression of grief, so I guess I am grieving today.

Tuesdays I usually spend the entire day at the elementary school, but today I had to run to the high school for a meeting - during my prep, of course. I don't need one of those! So anyway, as I am driving "Tears in Heaven" comes on. Instead of switching the station, I torture myself and listen to it. I'm practically in tears as I get to the high school - it's not a far drive. So I pull myself together and pray that this parent knows what happened or doesn't ask anything. I think I was very pregnant the last time I saw her. Meeting goes well, she doesn't mention a thing - but does ask how I am doing and I cheerfully reply "good." I hate being fake!

I stopped to chat with two of my favorite coworkers before heading back to the elementary school. It was sunny out, which maybe lifted my mood a bit. As I was driving back, "My Girl" came on the radio and I got all teary eyed again. This time it was because it reminded me of Sierra - "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May. I guess you'd say, what can make me feel this way? My girl....." Immediately after this song, came "Only the Good Die Young." Ugh!

Back to work and the day went pretty fast. Still sighing though. I was thinking to myself how it was getting nice out and with that comes the dread of seeing my neighbor's baby girl. I could feel it today, I just knew she was going to be out. So far, I have only seen her outside with the baby once through my window and my heart sank. I drove onto my street and outside are 4 neighbors - Sierra's baby-sitter (who lives directly across the street from us), the woman who lives right next door to her, the woman who lives right next door to me, and the one with the baby. My heart started beating so fast. I waved and pulled into my driveway, and barely made it into my garage before the tears came. I just wanted to punch something, I felt so angry. I have to admit, many days I feel this way a little bit because all these women are home enjoying the kids while I am at work. Ok, obviously Sierra's baby-sitter is working and the other neighbor works, too - but her schedule is flexible so she is often home during the day with the kids. It just bugs me sometimes, that I have to work. But that's another post in itself.

So now I was stuck - today I was just NOT in the mood. I know it is not this woman's fault, but it is not my fault either. I just could not have been happy/nice to her, so I did not want to go over. So I sent the baby-sitter a text asking if someone could just walk Sierra over to our house because I was just not in the mood to see that baby (sad that I never even bothered to ask what her name is - I really just don't care to know). She did not write back, so then I thought I should look to see if the baby was gone, but I didn't want them to see me peeking out my window like a weirdo. I HATE this, hate it, hate it. I hate that I feel uncomfortable in my own house, like I need to hide out. Thankfully, our kitchen and family room are in the back of the house. But still. If this is what summer is going to be like, maybe I should move. I just don't see me getting over this anytime soon. I am not even sure why that baby bothers me more than any other one. Heck, I see babies when I am out shopping and I can look at them - sometimes I probably stare, not realizing it. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a dagger in the heart, but just a little one. This baby is the biggest dagger there is. I think it is mostly due to the fact that I feel like she is infringing on MY space, my house, my comfort zone. I don't feel like I should be made to feel that uncomfortable in my own house. I'm not sure what to do about it. I guess I feel like that mother doesn't work so she has all day to hang out over there with all the kids, can she just give me my space at least a couple afternoons per week? I'm hoping she maybe realized when I never came out to pick Sierra up - or that maybe someone will tell her. I don't get how she could NOT think it would bother me? I mean, I have to pick up my kid and she's standing there wearing her baby in full view of me. OUCH. I know this is me overreacting, but it comes off to me as flaunting that baby in MY space. I know she is not, but this is how my crazy mind thinks of it.

I used to love my neighborhood, how there were young families everywhere. All of our kids are so close in age, it's like one huge play date every day from 3:30-5 in my neighbor's driveway when it's nice out. But now, I think I wish I lived around all old people that didn't procreate like it's nothing. I mean, all these women have a 100% success rate - meaning 3 pregnancies, 3 healthy kids, 2 pregnancies, 2 healthy kids. And then there's me - 25%. 4 pregnancies, 1 healthy, breathing child. Granted, she's a special one and if I had to go through every single thing I did, just to have her exactly as she is, you bet I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. But sometimes it is so hard to think that way, when it seems like everyone else has it easier/better. Today was definitely one of those days.

I still really hope that baby is not outside tomorrow when I get home from work.