Two times today I was reminded of what a different mom I am now.
First, I was talking to the person I "share" my room at work (actually it's an old storage closet). We were casually talking about pediatricians and such, as she is expecting her first baby in April. We got on the immunization topic, and we both are nervous about them a bit just because we both work with a lot of kids with problems, especially autism. That's another post in itself, but for the record I don't think immunizations themselves cause autism. But anyway, I told her I had Sierra vacinnated in the usual schedule, but that I was more leery about it with Coen and second guess it every time he is due for shots. For one, he is a boy and boys are way more likely to have autism. But like I told her, I am also not the same mom I was when Sierra was his age. I'm far less naive - back then I never would think anything bad could happen to MY child. Ha. I worry more now, I second guess things more and think about the "what ifs".
Then at lunch today, we were talking about babies and sleep. One teacher just came back from maternity leave and her baby isn't sleeping well - at all. She was asking for advice - which I don't have since my kids were good sleepers. The other 3 moms all have 2 or 3 kids each. They all said how with their first, they would go in every time the baby cried and rock them to sleep and never let them cry it out, etc. But how they learned their lesson with the next one, and didn't do all those things because they knew better and doing them with their first had "created a monster." It was so strange to me to hear this, even though it makes complete sense.
I am the complete opposite. With Sierra, I never really rocked her to sleep. I put her in her crib and she went right to sleep on her own. We never rushed in when she cried, we let her cry it out many times. She was just always a great sleeper, so I guess we never had to?
But with Coen, I still at almost 16 months, rock him to sleep every night. I can't bear to hear him cry. I do not rush in his room if he cries in the middle of the night, unless he screams like something is wrong. But I just feel like all the other moms were talking like they were less protective or overbearing with their second or third babies. They let more things slide.
Not me. I am definitely MORE protective, but I also appreciate all those things more. I mean I went through a LOT to have Coen, so you better believe I am going to cherish every second. I actually spoke up and said that. Not in those exact words, but I just said the truth, how I rock and cuddle Coen more than I did with Sierra because it's just more precious to me (I should have added that it's because I went through a lot to have him and that I was robbed of being able to do this with one of my babies, but I didn't) and that I am also fairly certain that he will be my last baby so I don't care. I will rock him to sleep until he won't let me, which will be soon enough I am sure.
That there, is more proof as to how much losing a baby changes you. Proof that I am still not the same person I was before Adelyn died.
But, it also gave me an interesting perspective on things. I still sometimes wonder why me, why did I have to be the one whose baby died? I wish I was naive again, like everyone else, very often.
Today I didn't. As I sat there listening to them, I was sort of glad I wasn't that naive. I was thinking to myself, "You have NO idea how precious those moments are until you are robbed of them."
Thank you Adelyn for making me appreciate every single moment. It make have taken lots of tears, pain, unfairness, and wishing things were different. But you did it.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Three, but Not
I have three children.
But yet I don't.
I went through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and gave birth 3 times.
But most people only see two of those children.
There are only two carseats in my car, two childrens' photos on my wall, two beds full with sleeping children.
And sometimes, it's enough to have those two. They make me happy, I can see what I have not what I don't have.
And then there are those times when those two children make me feel like less of a mother.
I "only" have two children to take care of, when it seems like everyone around me has three.
That's hard for me. I never planned on having three children, but I had three. But yet I only have two.
I swear if one more person tells me they are expecting their third child I may lose it. Why, why three? Why not just two? Why isn't two good enough?
Let's see....my neighbors right next door, across the street, two of the three other families that use the same baby-sitter as us, some friends at work - people I interact with just about daily. Then a friend just told me she is expecting #3.
Why does it bother me? Why? It's like I don't want anyone else to have more than 2 kids. Yet I never planned on having more than 2 kids. But I have more than 2 kids, sort of.
Yes, I could just have another baby, if I convinced my husband (and myself), which won't happen. Yet it wouldn't matter, then I would wish for 4 kids. No matter what, there will always be that hole.
And somedays, the two children I have here with me make that hole feel pretty tiny.
But not tonight. Tonight, I miss her. A lot.
Tonight, I long for the "old me."
But, she's gone. And I wish people would understand that.
I'm allowed to have bad days still, 2+ years later. I'm allowed to be angry sometimes, I'm allowed to still miss her. She is my child, and she's gone. No amount of "therapy" or time is ever going to change that.
Sigh.....I'm not sure if any of that make sense, but that's where my head is tonight. I've been thinking about this post for awhile, but have been too busy to write.
But yet I don't.
I went through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and gave birth 3 times.
But most people only see two of those children.
There are only two carseats in my car, two childrens' photos on my wall, two beds full with sleeping children.
And sometimes, it's enough to have those two. They make me happy, I can see what I have not what I don't have.
And then there are those times when those two children make me feel like less of a mother.
I "only" have two children to take care of, when it seems like everyone around me has three.
That's hard for me. I never planned on having three children, but I had three. But yet I only have two.
I swear if one more person tells me they are expecting their third child I may lose it. Why, why three? Why not just two? Why isn't two good enough?
Let's see....my neighbors right next door, across the street, two of the three other families that use the same baby-sitter as us, some friends at work - people I interact with just about daily. Then a friend just told me she is expecting #3.
Why does it bother me? Why? It's like I don't want anyone else to have more than 2 kids. Yet I never planned on having more than 2 kids. But I have more than 2 kids, sort of.
Yes, I could just have another baby, if I convinced my husband (and myself), which won't happen. Yet it wouldn't matter, then I would wish for 4 kids. No matter what, there will always be that hole.
And somedays, the two children I have here with me make that hole feel pretty tiny.
But not tonight. Tonight, I miss her. A lot.
Tonight, I long for the "old me."
But, she's gone. And I wish people would understand that.
I'm allowed to have bad days still, 2+ years later. I'm allowed to be angry sometimes, I'm allowed to still miss her. She is my child, and she's gone. No amount of "therapy" or time is ever going to change that.
Sigh.....I'm not sure if any of that make sense, but that's where my head is tonight. I've been thinking about this post for awhile, but have been too busy to write.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Different Loves
During the first year after Adelyn died, I truly think Sierra was the only thing that made me happy. Her smile, her silliness, and just the fact that she needed me, kept me going. I could still mother her here, even though I couldn't mother her sister. For a long time I felt like I had too much love to give her. After all, I had all this love for Adelyn but I didn't know how to give it to her, and had no way to give it to her here on Earth. So Sierra got all of it, double the love, double the cuddles, double the kisses on her sweet cheeks.
And then Coen came along, and he brought so much joy back - joy that I never thought could be possible again. And I had to split my love between two kids on Earth, and that is hard. As much as I didn't think I could ever love anyone as much as Sierra, I was wrong.
Now, let me say that I love all of my kids the same, but in such different ways. But, Coen's birth healed me in ways that no one else could. So for awhile there, I think I was so caught up in that, and the bliss of a sweet precious baby, that I think I may have "forgotten" just how special Sierra's role is also.
Now, over 2 years after Adelyn's death, she still brings her up. Innocently, randomly, sweetly. She will ask, "Mommy, I wonder what Adelyn is doing?" And we will talk a little bit about what we think she is doing in heaven. It is so sweet. I honestly think she is the only one who just brings Adelyn up so naturally, so freely, without knowing what a "taboo" subject babies who died are to so many.
That is truly her special gift to me. I love hearing my middle child's name. I rarely get to. I love her name, I spent hours picking it out.
But sometimes, because she is so open about Adelyn, it makes others uncomfortable and they quickly try to change the subject. I hate that, it is a reminder that my daughter is dead and many don't want to talk about her because I guess it's too uncomfortable to them. What about me, I'm the one who had to live it.
Case in point - we were getting our haircut on Saturday. For some reason, Sierra had been talking about Adelyn a lot lately. So as we are all standing there, she starts asking our hairdresser (who is my dad's cousin, so she knows Adelyn's story) who from our family isn't there with us. And the hairdresser guesses just about everyone in our family, including the dog, EXCEPT Adelyn. Ouch ouch. That hurt, and made me feel like she is forgotten. Then Sierra says, "No, Adelyn, my sister." And I don't remember exactly what the hairdresser said, but I could tell she didn't know what to say and she tried to change the subject. So then a little while later, her husband came to drop something off and Sierra starts talking to him about Coen. And then she says "I have a sister, too." And maybe he doesn't know, or didn't realize who we were, and he says something a long the lines of "oh someday you won't be so excited about that." I guess meaning they would fight. And in my head all I was thinking was ouch again, and if only you knew what we would give to have two fighting little girls.
I guess I should just get used to these types of things happening. It's been awhile since one happened. I both love and hate these situations. I love that Sierra talks about Adelyn, but I hate most people's reactions. Then again, I love that Sierra forces them to remember, and she doesn't even know how hard that is for me to do, she just does it. I will always be thankful to her for that. I will always be thankful for her getting me through that first year. I will always be thankful to Coen for healing me in so many ways and bringing pure joy back to our house. I will always be thankful to Adelyn for helping me to see the beauty in everything and for teaching me to cherish every single moment.
I love all three of my children, so very much, in so very different ways. And I am thankful for all of them.
And then Coen came along, and he brought so much joy back - joy that I never thought could be possible again. And I had to split my love between two kids on Earth, and that is hard. As much as I didn't think I could ever love anyone as much as Sierra, I was wrong.
Now, let me say that I love all of my kids the same, but in such different ways. But, Coen's birth healed me in ways that no one else could. So for awhile there, I think I was so caught up in that, and the bliss of a sweet precious baby, that I think I may have "forgotten" just how special Sierra's role is also.
Now, over 2 years after Adelyn's death, she still brings her up. Innocently, randomly, sweetly. She will ask, "Mommy, I wonder what Adelyn is doing?" And we will talk a little bit about what we think she is doing in heaven. It is so sweet. I honestly think she is the only one who just brings Adelyn up so naturally, so freely, without knowing what a "taboo" subject babies who died are to so many.
That is truly her special gift to me. I love hearing my middle child's name. I rarely get to. I love her name, I spent hours picking it out.
But sometimes, because she is so open about Adelyn, it makes others uncomfortable and they quickly try to change the subject. I hate that, it is a reminder that my daughter is dead and many don't want to talk about her because I guess it's too uncomfortable to them. What about me, I'm the one who had to live it.
Case in point - we were getting our haircut on Saturday. For some reason, Sierra had been talking about Adelyn a lot lately. So as we are all standing there, she starts asking our hairdresser (who is my dad's cousin, so she knows Adelyn's story) who from our family isn't there with us. And the hairdresser guesses just about everyone in our family, including the dog, EXCEPT Adelyn. Ouch ouch. That hurt, and made me feel like she is forgotten. Then Sierra says, "No, Adelyn, my sister." And I don't remember exactly what the hairdresser said, but I could tell she didn't know what to say and she tried to change the subject. So then a little while later, her husband came to drop something off and Sierra starts talking to him about Coen. And then she says "I have a sister, too." And maybe he doesn't know, or didn't realize who we were, and he says something a long the lines of "oh someday you won't be so excited about that." I guess meaning they would fight. And in my head all I was thinking was ouch again, and if only you knew what we would give to have two fighting little girls.
I guess I should just get used to these types of things happening. It's been awhile since one happened. I both love and hate these situations. I love that Sierra talks about Adelyn, but I hate most people's reactions. Then again, I love that Sierra forces them to remember, and she doesn't even know how hard that is for me to do, she just does it. I will always be thankful to her for that. I will always be thankful for her getting me through that first year. I will always be thankful to Coen for healing me in so many ways and bringing pure joy back to our house. I will always be thankful to Adelyn for helping me to see the beauty in everything and for teaching me to cherish every single moment.
I love all three of my children, so very much, in so very different ways. And I am thankful for all of them.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
15 months
My baby was 15 months last Thursday, January 10th! A little late, but that's how we roll in this house. We are busy and tired......but I am not complaining.
Coen doesn't have his 15 month well check until Monday, because even though I tried to schedule it over a month ago, all evening appointments were booked! Thankfully I am off Monday for Martin Luther King Day, but that's not really how I wanted to spend my day off!
Coen is doing so many things now, I really don't know where to start. He loves to dance, and anytime music comes on he will stop and bounce. Sometimes he moves his arms, but mostly he bounces up and down. It is ridiculously cute, I could watch him do it all day. Over the weekend, he found this little crib from Sierra's doll house and kept pressing the button to make it play music, then dancing to it, and then doing it all over again. At one point, he was over at her doll house doing this for awhile, and she was over playing with his cars. Figures!
Coen points to everything now, and says something that sounds like "what's this?" His first word wsa "cookie" which he says as "coo coo". I think that "ba" is book, and "ma" is something, maybe milk but I am not sure. He uses "ma" to refer to many things. He has repeated "baby" for me also. We have been working on mommy, daddy, and "CC" - nothing yet though. But, I'm relieved, because I was worried about his language development. He didn't say anything for awhile, and while I know he is still so little, I am a speech therapist so of course I am overly aware and worry more than your average person. On the other side of that, I am more critical - some people call the sounds babies make words, but it is not truly a word until the refer to the same thing using the same word over and over. Simply saying "mama" doesn't mean a word, unless they are saying it consistently while pointing to you or running towards you. That is one thing that irks me, when people call random babbling words. It's not!
Another of his favorite things to do is turning the light switch off and on. It's so cute. He has started to finally play with his toys, which is nice because we don't have to chase him around to be sure he's not getting into trouble (as much). He also loves to pull all the books off his shelf and make a big mess. I so remember Sierra doing this at the same age, because it was summer and I was home and I swear all I did was pick up books!
Right at the end of the year, I finally ran out of frozen breastmilk and Coen had his first taste of cow milk. At first he wanted nothing to do with it, but he seems to be ok now. Over Christmas break I weaned him down to only nursing before bed. I will keep nursing him before bed through the winter, unless he decides to wean himself before then. I honestly don't see that happening though.
I forgot how much I love this age, and how cute babies are when they are taking in so much. Like little sponges. This age is also trying and tiring, because you can't reason with them or bribe them. Temper tantrums happen often in our house. It's a good thing he's so darn cute. I swear this boy melts my heart multiple times a night. I can't get enough of his giggles and dancing. I love how he runs to me when I come home like I'm the best thing in the world.
Coen doesn't have his 15 month well check until Monday, because even though I tried to schedule it over a month ago, all evening appointments were booked! Thankfully I am off Monday for Martin Luther King Day, but that's not really how I wanted to spend my day off!
Coen is doing so many things now, I really don't know where to start. He loves to dance, and anytime music comes on he will stop and bounce. Sometimes he moves his arms, but mostly he bounces up and down. It is ridiculously cute, I could watch him do it all day. Over the weekend, he found this little crib from Sierra's doll house and kept pressing the button to make it play music, then dancing to it, and then doing it all over again. At one point, he was over at her doll house doing this for awhile, and she was over playing with his cars. Figures!
Coen points to everything now, and says something that sounds like "what's this?" His first word wsa "cookie" which he says as "coo coo". I think that "ba" is book, and "ma" is something, maybe milk but I am not sure. He uses "ma" to refer to many things. He has repeated "baby" for me also. We have been working on mommy, daddy, and "CC" - nothing yet though. But, I'm relieved, because I was worried about his language development. He didn't say anything for awhile, and while I know he is still so little, I am a speech therapist so of course I am overly aware and worry more than your average person. On the other side of that, I am more critical - some people call the sounds babies make words, but it is not truly a word until the refer to the same thing using the same word over and over. Simply saying "mama" doesn't mean a word, unless they are saying it consistently while pointing to you or running towards you. That is one thing that irks me, when people call random babbling words. It's not!
Another of his favorite things to do is turning the light switch off and on. It's so cute. He has started to finally play with his toys, which is nice because we don't have to chase him around to be sure he's not getting into trouble (as much). He also loves to pull all the books off his shelf and make a big mess. I so remember Sierra doing this at the same age, because it was summer and I was home and I swear all I did was pick up books!
Right at the end of the year, I finally ran out of frozen breastmilk and Coen had his first taste of cow milk. At first he wanted nothing to do with it, but he seems to be ok now. Over Christmas break I weaned him down to only nursing before bed. I will keep nursing him before bed through the winter, unless he decides to wean himself before then. I honestly don't see that happening though.
I forgot how much I love this age, and how cute babies are when they are taking in so much. Like little sponges. This age is also trying and tiring, because you can't reason with them or bribe them. Temper tantrums happen often in our house. It's a good thing he's so darn cute. I swear this boy melts my heart multiple times a night. I can't get enough of his giggles and dancing. I love how he runs to me when I come home like I'm the best thing in the world.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Years
I'm really not a big fan of New Year's Eve. It gets me down. I can't believe we are in 2013....that seems so far from 2010, the last time we saw one of our children's precious faces and held her in our arms. I know that I should think of a new year as another year closer to her. Yet, that's just not where my mind is lately.
I've been missing my girl a lot lately. I actually think New Year's hit me way harder than Christmas. Maybe because we didn't really do much, so I had more time to sit and reflect. Probably because it's another year farther from the year she was born, which in my mind means she is another year farther from people's memory. I don't know if that is true, but it often seems that way.
I think I am just sad to see 2012 go. It was a very good year. A full year of full arms, watching Coen grow from a tiny 3 month old all the way to a big 14 month old (almost 15 months actually). 2012 was the year of Coen's baby-hood. And the fact that it is over is a sort of reality check. 2012 is over, Coen's baby-hood is pretty much over. That makes me so sad. I will never have a baby again, unless we get a surprise. Sometimes I am okay with that, but then like everything else in life it cycles back to me being very sad about it. And right now, I'm in the "very sad about it" phase.
I just don't want my baby to grow up. His innocence, his laugh, the way he runs over to me and puts his arms up to be held, the way he lets me rock him to sleep. Even though he can be trying and tiring, it's worth it.
Yet, every stage Sierra goes through I have loved. I am sad to see each stage go, but I love the next stage just as much. I wish I didn't have to say good-bye to one stage, to get to the next. I was going through Sierra's dress up box (since she was been playing dress up all week and changes her outfit about 3 times a day - love it) and found the Dora dress she wore every day right after Coen was born. It made me sad to think that "stage" is over - both the Dora stage and the newborn stage. I think part of it is because Sierra's Dora stage started when she was the age that Adelyn would be. So, the realization that the Dora stage is over for her, yet would be just starting for Adelyn, kinda made me stop and think for awhile. Every stage Sierra goes through and then gets out of, I think about the fact that I will never get to do that stage again, and had Adelyn lived I would probably still get to do it one more time.
I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, I'm rambling on.....and I should get to bed because I have to work tomorrow. Boo!
I've been missing my girl a lot lately. I actually think New Year's hit me way harder than Christmas. Maybe because we didn't really do much, so I had more time to sit and reflect. Probably because it's another year farther from the year she was born, which in my mind means she is another year farther from people's memory. I don't know if that is true, but it often seems that way.
I think I am just sad to see 2012 go. It was a very good year. A full year of full arms, watching Coen grow from a tiny 3 month old all the way to a big 14 month old (almost 15 months actually). 2012 was the year of Coen's baby-hood. And the fact that it is over is a sort of reality check. 2012 is over, Coen's baby-hood is pretty much over. That makes me so sad. I will never have a baby again, unless we get a surprise. Sometimes I am okay with that, but then like everything else in life it cycles back to me being very sad about it. And right now, I'm in the "very sad about it" phase.
I just don't want my baby to grow up. His innocence, his laugh, the way he runs over to me and puts his arms up to be held, the way he lets me rock him to sleep. Even though he can be trying and tiring, it's worth it.
Yet, every stage Sierra goes through I have loved. I am sad to see each stage go, but I love the next stage just as much. I wish I didn't have to say good-bye to one stage, to get to the next. I was going through Sierra's dress up box (since she was been playing dress up all week and changes her outfit about 3 times a day - love it) and found the Dora dress she wore every day right after Coen was born. It made me sad to think that "stage" is over - both the Dora stage and the newborn stage. I think part of it is because Sierra's Dora stage started when she was the age that Adelyn would be. So, the realization that the Dora stage is over for her, yet would be just starting for Adelyn, kinda made me stop and think for awhile. Every stage Sierra goes through and then gets out of, I think about the fact that I will never get to do that stage again, and had Adelyn lived I would probably still get to do it one more time.
I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, I'm rambling on.....and I should get to bed because I have to work tomorrow. Boo!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas!
Christmas is almost over. I sit here in the quite thinking.....missing Adelyn more than I have in awhile. Maybe it's because all the hustle and anticipation is over and the "after holiday" let down has started - when I feel that way it always brings up my grief a little more. Maybe it's just the time of year. Maybe it was seeing my living kids get showered with presents and Adelyn can't get any. It's probably a combination of it all.
We had a good Christmas, despite me hiding one of Sierra's presents so well I couldn't find it. I was so frustrated yesterday I wanted to cry. I looked everywhere and still nothing. She wanted a Gingersnap dress up outfit and a ginger baby doll. Gingersnap is from Strawberry Shortcake, the 2003 version. So, neither of these things exist. It took a LOT of work on my part to come up with these, but it was worth it seeing this face:
Anyway, the outfit wasn't too hard to make up - jeans, a white shirt (I added a picture of Gingersnap and created it on CafePress, love that site), a pink cardigan and a bucket hat with a gingerbread man on the brim. Got it all pieced together, and was SO excited to see her face. Except I couldn't find the pink cardigan shirt. I bought it at Old Navy a few weeks back, I even remember what else I bought the same day. One thing is a coat that is hanging in her closet for next year. Figures I can find that but not what I need. I was so frustrated about it, but gave up looking around midnight on Christmas Eve and grabbed a pink long sleeve shirt instead. Sierra did notice and said the pink shirt was supposed to go over the other shirt, I felt awful at that point. I told her that Santa sent me a message saying he lost it or it fell off his sleigh and he would send it to her via her elf next week. Now should I buy another one or see if it turns up? If I wait, it won't turn up and if I buy another one it will!
The Ginger baby also has a story....I did find a Gingersnap doll on Ebay and showed it to Sierra and asked her if that was what she wanted. Nope, she wanted it to be "born baby" (what she calls a newborn baby) without hair. Ah! So when we got down our Christmas decorations from the attic, I had Trevor grab a few bags of toys from up there. I found one with 2 baby dolls, I thought they were 18 inches like American Girl dolls but they were only 14 inches I think. I knew they were up there, I had been trying to decide what to do with them. Sierra needs another doll as much as she "needs" more clothes! But, I remember when I bought them. It was almost 3 years ago, during an after Christmas sale. I bought 2 because they were so cheap and made by the same brand of dolls I collected as a kid. When I found out Adelyn was a girl, I planned on giving one to her and one to Sierra. One was a baby and one had hair like a "big sister" type doll. Perfect. Of course I never gave them because Sierra always had a specific doll she wanted the past 2 years. Then I thought I should just give them away becuase Sierra only plays with one doll really. But I couldn't because of the memory attached to it. So I made this baby into the ginger baby - found a gingerbread doll outfit, gingerbread diaper, made a gingerbread bow and found doll jeans/white shirt like Gingersnap wears and put a gingerbread man on it. I was proud of it, and glad I found a use for the baby that was sort of bought for Adelyn. In case you are wondering, here is the outfit and doll:
And here is what Gingersnap looks like on the older version of Strawberry Shortcake:
I just wish there was a 2 year old girl in the middle instead of a pink tree.....
Merry Christmas everyone!
We had a good Christmas, despite me hiding one of Sierra's presents so well I couldn't find it. I was so frustrated yesterday I wanted to cry. I looked everywhere and still nothing. She wanted a Gingersnap dress up outfit and a ginger baby doll. Gingersnap is from Strawberry Shortcake, the 2003 version. So, neither of these things exist. It took a LOT of work on my part to come up with these, but it was worth it seeing this face:
The Ginger baby also has a story....I did find a Gingersnap doll on Ebay and showed it to Sierra and asked her if that was what she wanted. Nope, she wanted it to be "born baby" (what she calls a newborn baby) without hair. Ah! So when we got down our Christmas decorations from the attic, I had Trevor grab a few bags of toys from up there. I found one with 2 baby dolls, I thought they were 18 inches like American Girl dolls but they were only 14 inches I think. I knew they were up there, I had been trying to decide what to do with them. Sierra needs another doll as much as she "needs" more clothes! But, I remember when I bought them. It was almost 3 years ago, during an after Christmas sale. I bought 2 because they were so cheap and made by the same brand of dolls I collected as a kid. When I found out Adelyn was a girl, I planned on giving one to her and one to Sierra. One was a baby and one had hair like a "big sister" type doll. Perfect. Of course I never gave them because Sierra always had a specific doll she wanted the past 2 years. Then I thought I should just give them away becuase Sierra only plays with one doll really. But I couldn't because of the memory attached to it. So I made this baby into the ginger baby - found a gingerbread doll outfit, gingerbread diaper, made a gingerbread bow and found doll jeans/white shirt like Gingersnap wears and put a gingerbread man on it. I was proud of it, and glad I found a use for the baby that was sort of bought for Adelyn. In case you are wondering, here is the outfit and doll:
Coen got mostly "recycled" and hand me down toys. He is too little to understand, so why spend money on things he doesn't need? I'm actually impressed with how little we spent this year, makes me happy to not have to worry about a large credit card bill! And everyone is very happy with their presents.
As for me, my favorite gifts:
I just wish there was a 2 year old girl in the middle instead of a pink tree.....
Merry Christmas everyone!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
12/12/12
12/12/12 was the date of the annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Service at the hospital where Adelyn was born. We have gone every year. I can't believe this is the 3rd one, the 3rd Christmas without Adelyn.
Back in 2010, it was the first time I had been back in that hospital since leaving without Adelyn. It was hard, but I'm so glad I went. It was here that I first met a fellow baby loss mom who had lost her precious baby girl exactly two weeks after Adelyn, in the same hospital. And, if you can believe it, she stayed in the same room as I was in with Adelyn. When I was at the hospital again to have Coen, the nurse that helped me the day Coen was born and also the day I was discharged, was the same nurse that took care of her when her baby was born/died. Just one more way the two of us are connected....her daughter's name is Addy (short for Adeline). Isn't that crazy? I truly believe our girls brought us together. She has been a great support for me these past two years. We don't often find the time to get together, but we text a lot and she always understands. Although our situations are different in other ways - mainly she doesn't have any other living children, yet - we were going through the same things at the same time, in simlar "stages" of grief also. She was even brave enough to come up to the family birth center to see Coen the day he was born because she was there for one of the support group meetings. I might add that this was only a few days before her daughter's first birthday in Heaven.
Anyway, back to this year's service. My stomach was in knots on the way. Over 2 years and even after the birth of a healthy baby at that hospital, and I still don't like the place very much. Of course Sierra had to use the bathroom almost as soon as we got there. I dreaded it.....because the smell of the soap there makes me sick. It reminds me of being there after Adelyn died.
The kids behaved rather well. Sometimes I wish we wouldn't bring them, so we can hear the speakers and socialize afterwards a bit more. But, I want my kids to be involved and to remember Adelyn with us. There aren't many memories of her, but we can form new memories as a family as we do things to remember her. Plus, after being away from my kids all day, I hate to leave them at night too.
There was a speaker there who lost her son in a car accident 31 years ago, and she is also a certified grief counselor. I found myself nodding in agreement to so many things she said. Actually to everything she said. I wish other people could hear her speak, so they could get how I feel, and realize that it is normal. I will never get "over" it, I will never be the old me, and I don't need to go to counseling to talk with someone who has never experienced this. I don't see how in the world they could help me. Because yes there are stages of grief, but it's not like you go through the stages and that's it, you are done grieving. As the speaker said, you are never done grieving. We will grieve for our children until the day we die. Grief comes and goes, it has its peaks and valleys over time. Certain times will probably always cause a peak in my grief, like the month of September and the holidays. Other things are random. For example, I'll go weeks of listening to Sierra talk about a little girl at her baby-sitter's house who is around the age Adelyn would be and it doesn't phase me. And then it will hit me that this is what it would be like to see her with her little sister and my heart sinks.
Hearing this woman talk about how her son died on the way to that very hospital, and how she couldn't step foot in it for a couple years - it made me feel "normal". In fact it made me feel pretty good, it only took me a few months. And also hearing that 31 years later, she is still grieving and still does things in her son's memory, validates how I feel. Often times, that's all I want, are my feelings validated. I don't want to be told to move on, or get over it, to seek counseling, that I should be grateful for my living kids, that at least I have other kids.....etc. All things the speaker talked about. She referred to people who haven't lost a child was "civilians" which I thought was kind of funny, but fitting. Losing a baby puts you in the club no one wants to be in - the "baby loss mom" club. No one else will ever understand.
All in all, even though it is still hard to go in that hospital, I am glad we went. It was nice to talk to others in the "club", even if it was briefly. And even if I am exhausted tonight because we didn't get home till after 9, and by the time we put the kids to bed, did dishes, packed lunches and got everything ready for the next day - I didn't get in bed until midnight.
Back in 2010, it was the first time I had been back in that hospital since leaving without Adelyn. It was hard, but I'm so glad I went. It was here that I first met a fellow baby loss mom who had lost her precious baby girl exactly two weeks after Adelyn, in the same hospital. And, if you can believe it, she stayed in the same room as I was in with Adelyn. When I was at the hospital again to have Coen, the nurse that helped me the day Coen was born and also the day I was discharged, was the same nurse that took care of her when her baby was born/died. Just one more way the two of us are connected....her daughter's name is Addy (short for Adeline). Isn't that crazy? I truly believe our girls brought us together. She has been a great support for me these past two years. We don't often find the time to get together, but we text a lot and she always understands. Although our situations are different in other ways - mainly she doesn't have any other living children, yet - we were going through the same things at the same time, in simlar "stages" of grief also. She was even brave enough to come up to the family birth center to see Coen the day he was born because she was there for one of the support group meetings. I might add that this was only a few days before her daughter's first birthday in Heaven.
Anyway, back to this year's service. My stomach was in knots on the way. Over 2 years and even after the birth of a healthy baby at that hospital, and I still don't like the place very much. Of course Sierra had to use the bathroom almost as soon as we got there. I dreaded it.....because the smell of the soap there makes me sick. It reminds me of being there after Adelyn died.
The kids behaved rather well. Sometimes I wish we wouldn't bring them, so we can hear the speakers and socialize afterwards a bit more. But, I want my kids to be involved and to remember Adelyn with us. There aren't many memories of her, but we can form new memories as a family as we do things to remember her. Plus, after being away from my kids all day, I hate to leave them at night too.
There was a speaker there who lost her son in a car accident 31 years ago, and she is also a certified grief counselor. I found myself nodding in agreement to so many things she said. Actually to everything she said. I wish other people could hear her speak, so they could get how I feel, and realize that it is normal. I will never get "over" it, I will never be the old me, and I don't need to go to counseling to talk with someone who has never experienced this. I don't see how in the world they could help me. Because yes there are stages of grief, but it's not like you go through the stages and that's it, you are done grieving. As the speaker said, you are never done grieving. We will grieve for our children until the day we die. Grief comes and goes, it has its peaks and valleys over time. Certain times will probably always cause a peak in my grief, like the month of September and the holidays. Other things are random. For example, I'll go weeks of listening to Sierra talk about a little girl at her baby-sitter's house who is around the age Adelyn would be and it doesn't phase me. And then it will hit me that this is what it would be like to see her with her little sister and my heart sinks.
Hearing this woman talk about how her son died on the way to that very hospital, and how she couldn't step foot in it for a couple years - it made me feel "normal". In fact it made me feel pretty good, it only took me a few months. And also hearing that 31 years later, she is still grieving and still does things in her son's memory, validates how I feel. Often times, that's all I want, are my feelings validated. I don't want to be told to move on, or get over it, to seek counseling, that I should be grateful for my living kids, that at least I have other kids.....etc. All things the speaker talked about. She referred to people who haven't lost a child was "civilians" which I thought was kind of funny, but fitting. Losing a baby puts you in the club no one wants to be in - the "baby loss mom" club. No one else will ever understand.
All in all, even though it is still hard to go in that hospital, I am glad we went. It was nice to talk to others in the "club", even if it was briefly. And even if I am exhausted tonight because we didn't get home till after 9, and by the time we put the kids to bed, did dishes, packed lunches and got everything ready for the next day - I didn't get in bed until midnight.
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