18 months

So Coen has been 18 months for over a week now, but life gets busy.  I should be going to bed, but I am making myself type this before it gets even more overdue!

Coen is a big boy.....28 lbs (90th percentile) and 32.5 inches (53rd percentile).  And his head is in the 95th percentile!!  I looked back to Sierra's baby book and she did not weigh 28 lbs until she was 2.5!  It is crazy.  My brother and I were both chubby toddlers, so I guess that's where he gets it from.  I'm not surprised since he looks like a clone of my brother.  We were both huge babies so I am thankful Coen didn't get chubby until after he started walking.  Although isn't that backwards, don't you usually slim down when you start running around?!

Coen is now a full blown toddler. No more baby :(  He throws fits, gets into everything, and is curious.  He wants to do things on his own now.  He can now climb to the top of our stairs in minutes.  He found the water dispenser on our fridge and poured water everywhere!

Coen is starting to talk more.  He says "bye bye", "outside", what sounds like "milk" or could be "more".  He says "mama" all the time, and "daddy" too.  His daddy taught him how to growl so he thinks that is funny.  He also says "Nee" for Nicco (our dog).  My favorite thing he does right now is put his hands up and say "oh no!"  or "oh man!" when something doesn't go his way.

The boy loves to eat still!  He loves his "coo-coos" (cookies) and got his first taste of local Sarris Chocolate, which in my opinion is the best chocolate ever.  He was so happy:

I got a new camera, so I've been practicing with it, although I am just using the automatic settings at this point.  I want to take a class but I don't think any are offered until fall :(  This my favorite picture of Coen that I took on his actual 18 month "birthday":

Lately I've been very aware that I am approaching quite a few lasts any time now.  Simple things, like the last time I do laundry using Dreft (my jug is about empty and no need to buy more of it) to the last time I nurse Coen (yes he still nurses before bed) to the last time I have a rear facing carseat in my car.  That last one will probably be awhile still, since I am all about safety.  I keep waiting for Coen to wean himself, but he hasn't, although I am sure I could wean him fairly easily.  I'm not sure how I feel about it - it's probably time, but I can't wrap my finger around never breastfeeding again.  Plus, because I nurse him before bed, I've put him to bed every night (unless he doesn't go right down, then his daddy will take over sometimes).

How has it been 18 months already??  Seems like yesterday.  As Coen grows, I find my heart longing for another baby, yet my head says no way.  I think in all honestly, I long for Adelyn and the chance to experience her baby-hood.  I think when Coen was a baby and I was doing all the baby stuff, it was a little easier, but now that I know the end of babies in our house has come, I long for just "one more".  But I know even if I had one more, I'd always long for another - Adelyn.

I read this article at Still Standig Magazine tonight, it is so perfect:
Bittersweet - my favorite part is this:
"Babies born after loss fill you with hope. They soothe your pain and fill your aching arms. But they cannot heal your heart. They cannot fill the space that belongs to their sibling. And for every blissful moment of joy they bring - there is heartbreak woven through it all. Constant reminders of what you are missing – the moments that were stolen from you, the smiles you never saw, the tiny hands you can not hold. Every amazing milestone, every ‘first’ and every achievement – always, always bittersweet."

I think it is extra bittersweet to watch babies born after a loss grow up.  The farther away from being a baby he becomes, the farther away from Adelyn I feel in a lot of ways.

Triggers

I miss my girl tonight.  Too many triggers got to me today.

First, one of my students passed away in her sleep Sunday night/Monday morning.  She was 17.  She was a very sweet girl, I enjoyed working with her.  She always made me smile.  She had a lot of medical issues and learning disabilities, but she knew how to have fun.  I know she had seizures, so I wouldn't be suprised if she had a bad one in her sleep.

The first day I found out, I was telling a coworker (that day I was in a different building than the one the student who died attended).  She made a comment about how nonchalant I was about it all.  Well, yes, I learned to be that way, otherwise I never would have been able to survive losing my daughter!!  It made me feel bad - why wasn't I crying?  I was upset on the inside, yet wasn't showing it on the outside.

Today I was at the building that student attended.  I had to go into her classroom to work with other students.  It hit me then.  I'd never see her face again.  It felt like something was missing.  She was.

Later that day, I heard her obituary was online.  And that a 6 year old girl had died in a car accident, and her obtituary was also posted.  Those things triggered me back to my feelings when my daughter died.  I hate when people say "I can't imagine."  I can.  I should start saying that out loud.

So then I went to pick my kids up and Coen was at the sand box, not only covered in sand but also eating it.  Gross.  I HATE sand.  And then multiple times people made the comment of "He's a boy, that's what boys do."

I HATE that comment as much as I hate sand!!  First of all, it isn't an excuse to act stupidly, or aggressively, just because you are a boy.  Second, that comment reminds me of how I felt when I found out Adelyn was a girl - relieved I would not have to deal with all those yucky boy things.

But here I am, dealing with them after all.  Don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I just don't love everything that comes with having a son.  Dirt, sports, independence, activeness, etc.  Hearing that comment, I think that if Adelyn had lived, I wouldn't have to deal with those things.  And then I instantly feel guilty because had she lived, I wouldn't have Coen and I can't imagine my life without him.

I guess things don't really change that much after all.  I just hate the guilt I feel when it comes to Adelyn and Coen.  I just wish I could have them both.