A Different Mom

Two times today I was reminded of what a different mom I am now.

First, I was talking to the person I "share" my room at work (actually it's an old storage closet).  We were casually talking about pediatricians and such, as she is expecting her first baby in April.  We got on the immunization topic, and we both are nervous about them a bit just because we both work with a lot of kids with problems, especially autism.  That's another post in itself, but for the record I don't think immunizations themselves cause autism.  But anyway, I told her I had Sierra vacinnated in the usual schedule, but that I was more leery about it with Coen and second guess it every time he is due for shots.  For one, he is a boy and boys are way more likely to  have autism.  But like I told her, I am also not the same mom I was when Sierra was his age.  I'm far less naive - back then I never would think anything bad could happen to MY child.  Ha.  I worry more now, I second guess things more and think about the "what ifs".

Then at lunch today, we were talking about babies and sleep.  One teacher just came back from maternity leave and her baby isn't sleeping well - at all.  She was asking for advice - which I don't have since my  kids were good sleepers.  The other 3 moms all have 2 or 3 kids each.  They all said how with their first, they would go in every time the baby cried and rock them to sleep and never let them cry it out, etc.  But how they learned their lesson with the next one, and didn't do all those things because they knew better and doing them with their first  had "created a monster."  It was so strange to me to hear this, even though it makes complete sense.

I am the complete opposite.  With Sierra, I never really rocked her to sleep.  I put her in her crib and she went right to sleep on her own.  We never rushed in when she cried, we let her cry it out many times.  She was just always a great sleeper, so I guess we never had to? 

But with Coen, I still at almost 16 months, rock him to sleep every night.  I can't bear to hear him cry.  I do not rush in his room if he cries in the middle of the night, unless he screams like something is wrong.  But I just feel like all the other moms were talking like they were less protective or overbearing with their second or third babies.  They let more things slide.

Not me.  I am definitely MORE protective, but I also appreciate all those things more.  I mean I went through a LOT to have Coen, so you better believe I am going to cherish every second.  I actually spoke up and said that.  Not in those exact words, but I just said the truth, how I rock and cuddle Coen more than I did with Sierra because it's just  more precious to me (I should have added that it's because I went through a lot to have him and that I was robbed of being able to do this with one of my babies, but I didn't) and that I am also fairly certain that he will be my last baby so I don't care.  I will rock him to sleep until he won't let me, which will be soon enough I am sure.

That there, is more proof as to how much losing a baby changes you.  Proof that I am still not the same person I was before Adelyn died.

But, it also gave me an interesting perspective on things.  I still sometimes wonder why me, why did I have to be the one whose baby died?  I wish I was naive again, like everyone else, very often.

Today I didn't.  As I sat there listening to them, I was sort of glad I wasn't that naive.  I was thinking to myself, "You have NO idea how precious those moments are until you are robbed of them."

Thank you Adelyn for making me appreciate every single moment.  It make have taken lots of tears, pain, unfairness, and wishing things were different.  But you did it.

Three, but Not

I have three children.

But yet I don't.

I went through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and gave birth 3 times.

But most people only see two of those children.

There are only two carseats in my car, two childrens' photos on my wall, two beds full with sleeping children.

And sometimes, it's enough to have those two.  They make me happy, I can see what I have not what I don't have.

And then there are those times when those two children make me feel like less of a mother.

I "only" have two children to take care of, when it seems like everyone around me has three.

That's hard for me.  I never planned on having three children, but I had three.  But yet I only have two.

I swear if one more person tells me they are expecting their third child I may lose it.  Why, why three?  Why not just two?  Why isn't two good enough?

Let's see....my neighbors right next door, across the street, two of the three other families that use the same baby-sitter as us, some friends at work - people I interact with just about daily.  Then a friend just told me she is expecting #3.

Why does it bother me?  Why?  It's like I don't want anyone else to have more than 2 kids.  Yet I never planned on having more than 2 kids.  But I have more than 2 kids, sort of.

Yes, I could just have another baby, if I convinced my husband (and myself), which won't happen.  Yet it wouldn't matter, then I would wish for 4 kids.  No matter what, there will always be that hole.

And somedays, the two children I have here with me make that hole feel pretty tiny.

But not tonight.  Tonight, I miss her.  A lot.

Tonight, I long for the "old me."

But, she's gone.  And I wish people would understand that.

I'm allowed to have bad days still, 2+ years later.  I'm allowed to be angry sometimes, I'm allowed to still miss her.  She is my child, and she's gone.  No amount of "therapy" or time is ever going to change that.

Sigh.....I'm not sure if any of that make sense, but that's where my head is tonight.  I've been thinking about this post for awhile, but have been too busy to write.