3

Sunday was Adelyn's 3rd birthday.  I guess mommy guilt doesn't care if your child is on Earth or in heaven.  Feeling beyond guilty that I didn't write a blog on her birthday.  Also feeling guilty that I didn't order the flowers I wanted to plant in her garden since last spring :(

But we still remembered her on her birthday.  We went to church at Duquesne, which is where we got married and where Adelyn's funeral was and where Coen got baptized.  Feeling badly that Sierra seems left out here, but we never thought to have her baptized there (instead she was baptized at the church I grew up going to).  Since Adelyn's birthday fell on a Sunday and being where her funeral was makes me feel close to her, we decided to go.  Well, wouldn't you know we got there and there was a special mass honoring the priest who married us, performed Adelyn's funeral and baptized Coen?  He was being honored for 40 years in the priesthood.  On Adelyn's birthday.  Think what you want, but I take it as a sign from Adelyn.  It was pretty neat.

We came home after mass and had lunch and relaxed.  Sierra and I made a butterfly cake - attempt #2.  Our first try failed and of course I wanted to cry because grief always makes little things seem way worse.  I didn't know the pan had to be turned over so it would come out without breaking apart.  Oops!  Try #2 was a success:

The #3 candle is the same one we used on Sierra's 3rd birthday.  I rinsed it off and saved it for Coen's next year.

We ate an early dinner and had a few close family members over around 7.  I didn't get any good photos of the kids wearing their "Adelyn's big sister/little brother" shirts or near her garden.  But we did get this nice picture of us releasing a sky lantern to her:

If only Coen hadn't spit milk and got food all over his "Adelyn's little brother" shirt, this probably would have been a new favorite picture!

We released 3 lanterns for her and it was so beautiful.  Then we had cake and sang to her also.  It was a pretty good day.  Although I found myself feeling rather angry about halfway through it.  Mostly because a few people didn't mention anything or say anything.  I think that is what hurts the  most, when people (especially those who had really been there for us previously) forget.  It kills me, like she is forgotten.  So I did my work out to release some of my anger, and it helped.  Even though there were some who did not say anything this year, there were still plenty who did.  I try to tell myself we are blessed with some amazing friends and family and to overlook the people who forgot.  But it's hard.

This year was definitely better than last year.  That's not to say I wasn't sad, I didn't feel that sinking grief feeling in my stomach, didn't miss her like crazy.  Oh I did.  I guess I just managed it better.  I cried, I got angry, I honored her the best way I could.  I wasn't able to look through her memory box, it's been at least a year since I have.  I don't know what but I just can't.  I know if I do, the pain will come and I just can't go there, even though I probably need to.

Happy Birthday precious daughter.  3 years closer to holding you again.

September

Here it is, September.  The month I dread.  Yet, this year it (so far) hasn't been that bad.  I've been so caught up in life that I haven't had time to think about things.  On one hand, that's good.  Enjoying the now instead of being caught up in past events.  But on the other hand, I'm feeling very detached from my middle child.  It's a fine line I walk......I don't want to forget, and I know I never will, but at the same time remembering is almost too painful sometimes.  I feel like her memory is slipping away.  Or I am pushing it away because I want to be "normal," the old me, the one who isn't part of the babyloss community.  Other parts of me would never want to be the old me, because the new me is better in some ways.  I appreciate little things so much more, I believe I love my children deeper than ever.  Confusing, yes, but such is my life.

It's hard to believe my girl would be 3 next week.  I can't even imagine her being 3.  One night I was catching up on one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance.  I rarely have time to watch tv (or blog!) now that I am back to work.  For some reason, this performance caught me off guard:

I had never heard the song before, and the routine is about prejudice.  Yet, it just drew me in and went right to my heart.  A very random trigger.  As I watched, it seemed to hit me that it was really September and that I should be planning a birthday party for a 3 year old little girl.  And then I started thinking about how I couldn't even imagine Adelyn at 3.  A few minutes later I was browsing Facebook and came across a photo of Sierra on her 3rd birthday.  It wasn't even on my page, so it's not like I was looking for it.  Gave me chills.....like a sign from Adelyn.  I'm guessing she would have looked a lot like Sierra.

And so it begins.......those "dates" that are the only memories I really have of Adelyn.  I actually forgot one of them this year, not until I sat down to blog tonight did I remember probably the worst one.  September 15th, the day we had the version to turn her, the worst decision I ever made.  I cannot believe that date came and went and I didn't think of it.  I think I was too focused on September 22nd (her original due date), and of course her actual birthday, and the day we came home with an empty carseat, and the last day I held her at the funeral home, and the day of her memorial service.  But, you see what I mean - the details are becoming more fuzzy and that kills me.  It hurts less to not remember I guess, but that just makes it hurt in other ways, because I feel guilty that I am forgetting details.  Sigh......

Praying we make it through the next week or so the best we can.  This time of year just brings back a lot of memories.  But it seems to be easier this year, which means it will probably hit me one day so hard I won't be able to breathe.  Because that's what grief does..........

A Look Back at Summer

So it has unfortunately arrived - the last night of summer.  I'm so sad to see it end.  I'm not ready.  I don't want to leave my kids every day, I won't want to miss out on most of their day.  I don't want to rush around all the time, never having time to catch my breath.  That's what it is like working full time with two little kids. 

I don't like change.  But for a teacher (speech therapist in the schools, same thing schedule wise), by the time you adjust to being home and getting into a routine, it feels like summer is over and you have to readjust.  Once I get back into it I guess I won't be as miserable, but right now I feel like my freedom and happiness are being ripped away.  I LOVE the time home with my kids.

At the end of every summer, I look back on what I did, and what I wish I did.  I'm sad we didn't go on vacation this year.  I feel like I could have spent more time with my kids.  I know I was home with them all day, but often they played or watched TV while I did dishes or tried to organize things, or cleaned, or took a few minutes to catch up on the iPad.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't sit on the floor and just play with them more.  I definitely wanted to work with Sierra on Kindergarten stuff more, and spend more time doing girly stuff with her, especially during Coen's nap.

What I did accomplish this summer, is getting healthier.  I didn't like how I was feeling and looking after being lazy and eating whatever I wanted all winter.  Last winter it worked because I was breastfeeding and I managed to start the summer weighing less than I had in the beginning of Adelyn's pregnancy.  I think weaning Coen and not adjusting my diet was a lot of the problem.  So, I have been eating a lot healthier and snacking less.  No chips really all summer!!!  Another big thing I have done is started getting in a work out routine and I am so proud of myself!  I went from nothing to working out basically 6 days a week for about 30 minutes.  I feel great, and I am starting to notice it in how I look too.  Still a ways to go to get rid of the post-baby belly, but I feel much less self-conscious about it now.

I also pretty much sold most of our baby gear and clothes.  We now only have a few boxes of clothes to get rid of.  Very bittersweet, but that's another post.  I made some money which helped.

I got a new camera back in April and I finally took an online class this month.  I am 3 weeks in and have already learned a LOT!  Bad thing is now I want a new lense for my camera.  But I really like it and it's awesome to do it online whenever I want.  Surprisingly it doesn't take that much time.

We finally finished painting all the trim in our bedroom white, after being in this house 6 years almost.  With some help from my dad that is!

And as for fun things, we went to the pool a lot.  Sierra is swimming under water now, and is able to swim across the pool using an elementary kind of stroke!  She jumps in where she can't touch and swims to the wall too!  We made it to the county fair and Sierra rode every ride in sight!  She loved the horses, Coen loved the trucks!  We also went to a church fair which was small but the kids had fun.  We went to the Children's Museum, the Museum of Natural History, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factor play.  We went to lots of birthday parties too!  Just this past weekend we went canoeing with 21 family members on the  most beautiful day.  It was nice to sit and listen to nature without Sierra's countless questions or Coen's screams! 

We slept in till 8 or 9 most of the summer.  Which was wonderful, I like to stay up late and sleep in, not a morning person at all.  So ,being at work by 7:40 is not easy for me.  I realize if I would have gotten up before the kids and worked out and showered, that I could have gotten a lot more accomplished this summer.  I usually slept till one of the kids woke me up (which is so much better than an alarm clock waking me), got up and had breakfast, drank my coffee while browsing the iPad while the kids watched cartoons.  Then we would go to the pool or just hang out until lunch, sometimes eat lunch at the pool.  During  Coen's nap time, most days I would put a movie or TV show on for Sierra and exercise then shower.  Looking back I feel bad about this, I should have played with Sierra something that Coen couldn't do (like paint, Kindergarten workbooks, etc).  But, for once I had to do something for myself so I am trying not to feel guilty.  A healthy, happy mama is very important, right?

A lot of times we would just turn the radio up and jam. Coen is so cute, he will move his head back and foth (I taught him this, I did it with him all summer).  Two of our favorites, which will remind ome of summer 2013:
Blurred Lines BY Robin Thicke, aka "hey hey hey" - when it comes on Coen yells "HEY!"Blurred Lines video
Clarity by Zedd - love this song.  Glad I have a video of the kids dancing to it, precious memories....can't figure out  how to download it from the iPad.  Listening to it now, and it's making me sad that summer is over.......

Another school year begins, another fall it make it through.  Deep breaths.  There is always next summer to look forward to, although I certainly don't want to wish away the next 9 months.

July Updates

July is almost over - time sure flies when you are having fun. 

What have we been up to?

Last week was really hot, so we went swimming a lot.  Trevor was in between jobs, so he took a week off but we didn't go anywhere.  I am really bummed we didn't, but we didn't plan anything because we weren't sure he would actually get time off.  Then once we knew he could take off, it was about a month beforehand.  We just couldn't agree on where to go, find a place that suited him (he didn't want to stay in a hotel because he says that's no  fun and too crowded, he wanted a cabin but  most of them were for like 10 people and he didn't want to go with anyone else - he is so frustrating).   Plus with the job switch, most of the week was unpaid and he wasn't sure when his next paycheck would come.  So we had a staycation.  We had planned to take the kids to an amusement park, it was princess week.  But the day before we decided 95 was too hot for that, and opted for an inside Children's Museum.  A good choice I think.  We will do the amusement park another day.

This week the weather has been perfect, which is great but frustrating that Trevor wasn't off this week!

Sierra is growing up so much lately.  She is happy to be outside with her friends and is pretty independent about being there without me.  Which is nice, I can get some things done inside when Coen naps.  She loves Sofia the First on TV, watches the episodes over and over and plays for hours with the little figurines.  The Winx Club just started showing episodes on TV again after a too-long- for-us hiatus, so she's been into that again.  She has also been playing "mom and dad" with her friends outside.  Her baby doll Rosie is still very much her favorite doll.  She loves wearing her matching PJs to bed.  She always brings Rosie outside to push in her double stroller or play house with.  I wish she would play with a baby she didn't love so much because I fear Rosie will break or get ruined and that would be bad!  Sierra also loves those popular Beanie Boos, we got her one on her dance recital day.  We took her to see her first movie in the theater last week, Despicable Me 2.  We originally wanted to see Monsters University, but upon arrival at the theater they told us the a/c was out and it had been 90 all week.  No discounts, no thank you.  So we had to rearrange the whole thing and switch movies and theaters to make it work, but it did.  We had popcorn for dinner!  Coen spent some one-on-one time with Meemaw and Pappy, so we could have a movie date with our biggest.  Sierra is starting to get a big girl attitude, which I hear only gets worse once they go to school.  And she finally seems to be getting the hang of staying dry all night, although not completely there she is mostly there.  About frigging time!  She is still very much a mommy's girl and likes to do what I do.  She takes showers almost by herself now, just needs help with her hair.  I'm liking the nice balance at this age of independence, yet still needing mommy and thinking I am the coolest person on Earth.

Coen is growing up too fast too.  He is starting to say more, sometimes puts two words together (mommy's shoes, big truck).  He still likes trains, and anytime we go somewhere with a train table he screams when you take him away.  He now loves trucks, and carries one in each hand.  We already had 2 break, so I got him some meant for smaller kids and hope they last till his birthday!  Anytime music comes on, he still stop and dance.  He has started calling me "mommy" now (instead of mama) and he says the dog's name right too.  Anytime we pass a truck on the road, he gets so excited and says "whoa! truck!" Or if he hears a motorcycle, he yells "bike!"  Anything loud is a bike to him.  Such a boy. He is happily still in his crib and hasn't tried to escape yet (thankfully).  And he is still rear facing in  his car seat.  It is getting hard to get him in and out, but so much safer that way.  I plan to switch him when we buy a new seat in the next few months, since his expires in Dec.  No sense taking it out and switching it then buying a new seat a few months later.  I hate taking carseats out - a guaranteed argument with the hubs. He likes to do whatever Sierra does.  He watched her play with the Sofia the First figures, so he started carrying them around too.  I told her to go brush her teeth, and checked on her minutes later and he was standing next to her brushing his teeth too.  If she climbs up the slide instead of down, next thing I know he is doing it!  If she screams, he screams.  Coen still likes to eat his junk food, but has started getting more picky about other foods.  He is hit or miss, sometimes he eats nonstop, other times he barely eats.  I tried peanbut butter and jelly but he doesn't seem to care for it, which makes eating on the run or at the pool difficult.  He wouldn't eat a cheese sandwich either.  Coen knows body parts and follows directions pretty well (when he wants to).  He is very ticklish under his chin too.  He has no interest in the potty yet, which is perfectly fine by me because I am not ready to go there again after our last experience.   It scarred me. Coen cut a few more teeth this summer, he now has 11.  The good thing about late teeth seems to be that he isn't bothered by them, just like Sierra.  If I didn't see them coming in, I wouldn't know.  Some kids seem to be awful when they get their teeth in.  Coen loves TV and will pretty much watch anything that is on (just like Sierra).   His favorites now are Chuggington, Chuck and Friends, Mighty Machines on netflix, and even sits with Sierra and watches Sofia the First!

That's all for now.  Not anything exciting, just mostly me writing stuff down to remember!

Her Name

This is going to sound ridiculous......but I wish that I could trademark Adelyn's name.  That no one else could use it.  It's too special, sacred to me, to hear another baby named it.

Yet, this week I have heard it 3 or 4 times. 

My cousin posted a photo on Facebook of her daughter holding a very tiny baby girl.  It didn't crush me to see a tiny baby girl.....until she told me her name was Adelyn.

I don't know why she even told me that, but probably because we were discussing the first birthday party of another cousin's daughter that we were invited to.  I don't want to go, because I know there is going to be a little girl named Adelyn there.  She was at the baptism for the birthday girl a few months ago, and no one warned me until we were on our way.  I know they don't know how much that would have affected me to talk to someone and hear them say their tiny baby is named Adelyn, but still.  Unexpected things are the worst, at least if I am prepared I can harden myself prior to the situation.

Then there is the girl I think is named Adelyn and looks to be the exact age as my Adelyn would be.  I think I may have written about her before, but when I took Sierra to her Summer Enrichment last week, she was there again.  I swear for the 2nd time I thought I heard her mom yell "Adelyn!" at her.  The first time was when I took Sierra for her Kindergarten screening.  My heart raced and I felt like I was out of my body after that time.  At least this time I was sorta prepared, but I couldn't help but stare at her.......

Then tonight, first thing on my Facebook was an old acquaintance saying they were so happy to meet the new baby girl Adalyn Jane.

I really wish her name wasn't becoming so trendy.  I remember worrying about that when we chose it - I like different names.  It sucks when you take all this time to pick a unique name and then it ends up becoming really popular a few years later.  It sucks even more when the baby you chose the name for dies.  I know it's wrong, but every time I hear another baby/girl named Adelyn, it puts me in a bad mood and I have a pity party.  Sometimes I just can't help it, but I don't like feeling that way.  I wonder why their Adelyn got to live and mine didn't?

I miss her tonight.

Summer

We are nearing the end of week two of summer and I am so happy.  I swear I am a different person.  I have more energy, I'm not exhausted all the time,  I feel less stressed.

That's not to say I sit on my butt and relax all day.  Oh hell no!  My day on Monday:

Woke up and fed myself and both kids breakfast, got us all dressed and out the door by 9:45.  Unbuckled both kids from their carseats and took lugged Coen along to drop Sierra off for her first day of summer enrichment.  It's a program at her school with fun things for kids to do a few weeks during summer.  I decided to sign her up since it's offered at the school she will go to.  Plus I thought it would get her used to being there for 2 hours, which is almost as long as Kindergarten will be. So then I loaded Coen back up, drove to an appointment at the consignment store to get rid of some baby toys and gear (my Boppy pillow included :( I wanted to cry).  This of course involved taking him out and back in his carseat two more times!  He fell asleep on the way to pick Sierra up, where I had to unload him again just to walk in and get her!  We went home, ate lunch, and ran to get dog food then another store to grocery shop.  I came home and luckily Coen did not fall asleep in the car, but I had to rush and unload the cold stuff.  I finally got him to nap around 4.  Then I rushed out to mow the grass while he slept and Sierra played in her water table outside.  Then I cooled off, woke him up, did dishes while I made dinner.  After dinner we went back outside, took the dog for a walk, and came in to give the kids baths.  Then I ran on the elliptical for 30 minutes and showered and sat down around 10 for the first time all day.

Exhausting, but productive.  All days are exhausting with kids, but most are not so productive!  I must have buckled and unbuckled Coen 15 times!  It felt SO good to get stuff done though.

I will say for me the big difference between working and not working is night time.  I am just as busy and sometimes stressed during the day trying to get stuff done while watching 2 kids and keeping them occupied.  In a perfect world I could just focus on them and not try to get stuff done at the same time, but unfortunately I push a lot of things till summer that I just can't get to when I am working full time (seriously, what do women who work year round do?  I think they are my heroes!).  So all day I am busy busy busy.  In fact I am busy until the kids go to bed, and they go to bed later in the summer.  Coen hasn't been going until almost 9 and Sierra almost 10 every night.

But, once the kids are in bed I am relaxed.  I don't have to pack my lunch or decide what I am wearing or iron it.  I don't have to worry about getting to bed because I know I have to get up at 5:45.  I don't have to worry about getting the kids up early too.  I don't have to worry about work stuff on top of mother stuff.

It's so, SO nice.  I LOVE it.  I am happier in the summer.  I actually feel like doing things or going out.  I'm like a different person.  I swear I have two personalities - summer Lisa and working Lisa.  No joke.  I like summer Lisa much better!

I often wish I never had to go back to work.  But, I do think having "only" 2.5 months off makes me appreciate that time so much more than women who stay at home year round.  For me, it's a change from the usual, so spending so much time with my kids doesn't get as frustrating as it does for someone who always does it.  If that makes sense.

My favorite part of summer is getting to keep my whole paycheck!  We often get the comments about "oh it must be nice to have two incomes."  What people with one income don't realize is their one income is probably not much less then our two, especially when you factor in that 40% of my pay goes right back out to the baby-sitter.  She earns her money for sure and she is worth it, but I wish I didn't have to pay someone else to do what I wish I could do.  So, in summer, I still get a paycheck and don't have to work.  It doesn't get much better than that!

In a Funk

I've been in a funk all weekend.  I hate funks!  Not sure what started it.  A lot of factors.

About 3 weeks ago, my allergies were so bad that I couldn't stop coughing. It was awful, felt like there was constantly something in my throat.  Well, there was.  Apparently, I coughed so hard and so much that I pulled a rib muscle.  OUCH!  You don't realize how much you move it until it hurts.  I could barely lay down, roll over, or get out of bed without a lot of pain.  Add in a 28 pound toddler and sitting in little kid chairs leaning in so I can hear a good R or L or S over the hand dryers in the bathroom next to my office and it hasn't been fun.  Then I took Advil, which made my stomach bloated and feel yucky.  One of my students even asked me if I was having a baby.  Yikes, and NO I am not.  I can't even exercise because it hurts!  Frustrated!

Then my birthday is Monday and thought maybe we can go have a nice dinner Saturday night.  Well, my husband won tickets to the Stanley Cup Playoffs from work, but had to go with someone from work or pay taxes on $800 worth of tickets.  So that idea was shot - you can't pass up hockey tickets!  My back was killing me, because I think I strained it trying to avoid using my rib muscles.  I had my  mom come over to help.  We were outside and a newer neighbor was out with her 1 week old little boy.  Seeing how tiny he was made me sad that I will never have one of those again.  We were talking about labor, she had him at the same hospital as I had Adelyn and Coen.  She uses the same ob/gyn group as me, and was saying she loved the doctor that I had and hoped she was the one who delivered but it wasn't.  I said how much I loved that doctor and wanted to say  more, and say why, but this neighbor didn't live here when Adelyn died and doesn't know about her and it just wasn't the time to tell the story.  It was late and I needed to get my kids in bed. So I felt like a fraud and very uncomfortable.  I said how I had Sierra at a different hospital and she asked what I thought compared to the other one.  It's so hard to compare because I feel like we got special treatment when I had Coen.  It was just an awkward conversation.  I later found out that Sierra said something about having a sister in heaven in front of that neighbor and according to my husband who was standing there she kind of gave Sierra a strange look.  So I guess I will have to have a conversation about Adelyn with her.

After we came in, we watched the Secret of the Wings for the 100th time.  My mom had never seen it so Sierra wanted to watch it with her.  It always reminds me of Sierra and Adelyn.  Sisters living in different worlds.  But it really hit me last night.  I was actually imagining Sierra and Adelyn being reunited in heaven one day.  At the same time, it made me sad that they aren't together now.

Today I sort of cured my funk by  having a mother daughter pedicure day.  I've wanted to do it for awhile, and as sad as I am that I don't get to do this with both my daughters, on the way  home I realized that I am just blessed to have one little girl to do these things with.

Random Thoughts

So many random thoughts are going through my mind tonight.  A sign I need to blog.  Life has been so busy and I am always too exhausted.

Coen decided to finally wean himself this week.  I knew it was coming, and I knew it was time.  I had planned to go through winter to help with immunities, then decided I would go through till my summer break.  Somehow weaning him when I get to spend all day with him seemed easier.  But, he did it himself.  I can't believe I will never breastfeed again.  I wish I could always have a baby in my house, I don't want them to grow up!

I've been thinking a lot about Adelyn lately.  I mean I always do, but a few things have happened.  When others are pregnant with their 3rd baby, it gets to me.  Especially if they have all girls.  I am jealous, they get to have another baby.  Yet, I don't actually want to get pregnant and try for 3rd living baby.  I guess I am deep down just a bit jealous they get to (most likely) keep all 3 of their children.  And, when it's all girls, it just takes me back to that time in my life when I thought I would have all (2) girls, and then after Adelyn died I prayed and hoped for another girl (but deep down I knew I would have a boy).  I think seeing another family get this, when I didn't, just reminds me of my shattered hopes and dreams.

However, I would NEVER trade Coen in a million years.  NEVER.  That boy has me wrapped around his finger.  He has started giving me kisses.....sweetest thing ever.

Interesting that the other day at work, we were talking about this book where a deadly disease comes through and only one blood type could heal it.  And in the book, the woman's child is found to have that blood type and she is asked to sacrifice her son for the better of mankind.  Could I do that.......how could I knowing the pain of losing a child?  Yet, that is essentially what Jesus did for us.  Then the conversation moved into this deep conversation about God and why bad things happen especially to innocent kids.  It's hard to think that God had this plan, and would choose for children to die.  I honestly don't know if I believe that, but I do believe God is there to see us through the tough times.  Then we started talking about Adelyn.  My friends' kids are the same exact age as my living kids, except she was 2 boys.  And that is hard for her, to never have a daughter.  We started talking about all kinds of things, and then she asked me if I ever resented Coen.  I love having conversations that are so deep that we can talk  honestly about our feelings.  I think she meant how you struggle before your second child is born. Things are wonderful, why go and change them?  I so felt that way, especially because I felt like I had just gotten used to the idea of the 3 of us again, after losing Adelyn, that I wondered why I wanted to change things again.  But, she also could have been asking if I ever resented Coen for not being Adelyn, for being a boy and not the girl I hoped for.  And the answer to that is easy....NO.  Not once since I laid eyes on him did I ever feel anything but love and thankfulness for him.

Later that night, I was reading a post from someone who recently lost a daughter, also at 41 week, and also had a 2.5 year old older child, and the baby died during labor, which is close to what happed with Adelyn.  I could feel she needed someone to listen, and tell her it would be ok.  And so I wrote a few messages to her, and she responded thanking me for giving hope.  It felt so good to be able to do that for someone.  Thank you Adelyn.  After chatting, we became friends on Facebook so I was  looking through her photos.  I felt her pain, and my pain all over again, looking at the nursery she created but never got to use.  Why did I do that to myself?  I had to, because I know how important it was for me to share my love for Adelyn and also my pain.  As I was looking through her photos, I saw an album of newborn pictures titled "Adalyn".  Wow.  Small world.  The photos were of a baby she photographed.  My heart kinda dropped when I saw it.

Whew......what a roller coaster of emotions the past few days.  Time for bed!

Five

 My big girl turned 5 two weeks ago already!.  It's been a busy two weeks so I am just now getting to write about it.

It's hard to believe it's been 5 years since I became a mommy.  Things have changed so much since the day Sierra was born.  We've been through a lot.  I am defintely not the same innocent, naive mommy I was when I was pregnant with her and during her delivery and even during the first 2.5 years of her life.

But, I'm glad I got to experience that pure, unmasked joy of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  Those who lose their first child never get to have that.  It's precious, being able to enjoy all those things without the worry of something happening like with Coen, or something really happening like with Adelyn.  I mean, I am sure many pregnant women worry a bit about something going wrong, but I don't think they really think it could happen to them like those of us who have had it happen.

Turning five is a big deal.  Sierra is officially registered for Kindergarten -yikes.  I'm not sure I am ready to entrust her to complete strangers.  I mean, I should trust them because I do work for the same school district as she will attend, so I know we have great teachers.  It's just not the same as having your neighbor, who knows your story, and has known your child since she was a baby, be the one taking care of your child.  It's letting go, a lot.  I'm not ready to let go, and I'm not ready for her to grow up.  And I'm really not ready for the attitude that my friends have all warned me comes after going to school.  I think she has enough of one already.

I still get e-mails from Babycenter, and even to this date read them because they are usually helpful.  Just yesterday I got one and it is now from "your big kid this week."  The first line of the e-mail says "welcome to the big kid years." MY kid, a big kid?  How can it be?  She's still that big eyed baby they put in my arms 5 years ago.....isn't she?

Sierra had a pretty good birthday.  On her actual birthday, she got to wear her new Tinkerbell tutu dress and take cupcakes to her friends.

 

 

We went to Red Robin for dinner at her request and she picked out a huge piece of ice cream cake for us all to share. She opened her presents from us when we got home.

 

We had a roller skating party the following Sunday, and everyone had fun.  It was hectic, but something seemed a bit off with the workers.  First, there were TONS of people working.  Later one of them told my mom that the owner's daughter had passed away suddenly the night before.  I didn't know details, like how old she was (later I found out she was maybe 40), but it distracted me.  All I could think of was their pain, what they must be feeling, and plus it was a rainy day so that didn't help.  Figures something like that would happen at our party, of all people.  I guess friends were gathering there to support her, she of course had to carry on with scheduled events at her business the day after her daughter died.  That is strength......

 

I have been experimenting with subway art lately, so I made this one for Sierra's 5th birthday.  It captures her at this age so well!

 

 

Happy Birthday to my biggest.  Now stop growing up on me, 5 is an amazing age!



18 months

So Coen has been 18 months for over a week now, but life gets busy.  I should be going to bed, but I am making myself type this before it gets even more overdue!

Coen is a big boy.....28 lbs (90th percentile) and 32.5 inches (53rd percentile).  And his head is in the 95th percentile!!  I looked back to Sierra's baby book and she did not weigh 28 lbs until she was 2.5!  It is crazy.  My brother and I were both chubby toddlers, so I guess that's where he gets it from.  I'm not surprised since he looks like a clone of my brother.  We were both huge babies so I am thankful Coen didn't get chubby until after he started walking.  Although isn't that backwards, don't you usually slim down when you start running around?!

Coen is now a full blown toddler. No more baby :(  He throws fits, gets into everything, and is curious.  He wants to do things on his own now.  He can now climb to the top of our stairs in minutes.  He found the water dispenser on our fridge and poured water everywhere!

Coen is starting to talk more.  He says "bye bye", "outside", what sounds like "milk" or could be "more".  He says "mama" all the time, and "daddy" too.  His daddy taught him how to growl so he thinks that is funny.  He also says "Nee" for Nicco (our dog).  My favorite thing he does right now is put his hands up and say "oh no!"  or "oh man!" when something doesn't go his way.

The boy loves to eat still!  He loves his "coo-coos" (cookies) and got his first taste of local Sarris Chocolate, which in my opinion is the best chocolate ever.  He was so happy:

I got a new camera, so I've been practicing with it, although I am just using the automatic settings at this point.  I want to take a class but I don't think any are offered until fall :(  This my favorite picture of Coen that I took on his actual 18 month "birthday":

Lately I've been very aware that I am approaching quite a few lasts any time now.  Simple things, like the last time I do laundry using Dreft (my jug is about empty and no need to buy more of it) to the last time I nurse Coen (yes he still nurses before bed) to the last time I have a rear facing carseat in my car.  That last one will probably be awhile still, since I am all about safety.  I keep waiting for Coen to wean himself, but he hasn't, although I am sure I could wean him fairly easily.  I'm not sure how I feel about it - it's probably time, but I can't wrap my finger around never breastfeeding again.  Plus, because I nurse him before bed, I've put him to bed every night (unless he doesn't go right down, then his daddy will take over sometimes).

How has it been 18 months already??  Seems like yesterday.  As Coen grows, I find my heart longing for another baby, yet my head says no way.  I think in all honestly, I long for Adelyn and the chance to experience her baby-hood.  I think when Coen was a baby and I was doing all the baby stuff, it was a little easier, but now that I know the end of babies in our house has come, I long for just "one more".  But I know even if I had one more, I'd always long for another - Adelyn.

I read this article at Still Standig Magazine tonight, it is so perfect:
Bittersweet - my favorite part is this:
"Babies born after loss fill you with hope. They soothe your pain and fill your aching arms. But they cannot heal your heart. They cannot fill the space that belongs to their sibling. And for every blissful moment of joy they bring - there is heartbreak woven through it all. Constant reminders of what you are missing – the moments that were stolen from you, the smiles you never saw, the tiny hands you can not hold. Every amazing milestone, every ‘first’ and every achievement – always, always bittersweet."

I think it is extra bittersweet to watch babies born after a loss grow up.  The farther away from being a baby he becomes, the farther away from Adelyn I feel in a lot of ways.

Triggers

I miss my girl tonight.  Too many triggers got to me today.

First, one of my students passed away in her sleep Sunday night/Monday morning.  She was 17.  She was a very sweet girl, I enjoyed working with her.  She always made me smile.  She had a lot of medical issues and learning disabilities, but she knew how to have fun.  I know she had seizures, so I wouldn't be suprised if she had a bad one in her sleep.

The first day I found out, I was telling a coworker (that day I was in a different building than the one the student who died attended).  She made a comment about how nonchalant I was about it all.  Well, yes, I learned to be that way, otherwise I never would have been able to survive losing my daughter!!  It made me feel bad - why wasn't I crying?  I was upset on the inside, yet wasn't showing it on the outside.

Today I was at the building that student attended.  I had to go into her classroom to work with other students.  It hit me then.  I'd never see her face again.  It felt like something was missing.  She was.

Later that day, I heard her obituary was online.  And that a 6 year old girl had died in a car accident, and her obtituary was also posted.  Those things triggered me back to my feelings when my daughter died.  I hate when people say "I can't imagine."  I can.  I should start saying that out loud.

So then I went to pick my kids up and Coen was at the sand box, not only covered in sand but also eating it.  Gross.  I HATE sand.  And then multiple times people made the comment of "He's a boy, that's what boys do."

I HATE that comment as much as I hate sand!!  First of all, it isn't an excuse to act stupidly, or aggressively, just because you are a boy.  Second, that comment reminds me of how I felt when I found out Adelyn was a girl - relieved I would not have to deal with all those yucky boy things.

But here I am, dealing with them after all.  Don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I just don't love everything that comes with having a son.  Dirt, sports, independence, activeness, etc.  Hearing that comment, I think that if Adelyn had lived, I wouldn't have to deal with those things.  And then I instantly feel guilty because had she lived, I wouldn't have Coen and I can't imagine my life without him.

I guess things don't really change that much after all.  I just hate the guilt I feel when it comes to Adelyn and Coen.  I just wish I could have them both.

How Things Can Change in 2.5 years

Today marks 2 and a half years since Adelyn died.

I promise I wasn't sitting around, looking at dates, waiting for this day.  I had just been thinking about how next month Sierra turns 5 and Coen turns 18 months, they are exactly 3.5 years apart.  Since Adelyn was born a month before Coen, and on the 29th of the month, I sort of put two and two together and realized that today she would have been 2 and a half.  Not that 2 and a half is really a significant date to celebrate in a child's life.  After 18 months, those "half" birthdays aren't really a big deal.  No half year check ups, and after 2 I stopped getting professional pictures done as often.

However, I got to thinking......2 and a half sort of IS a big deal to me.  Why?  Because that is just about the exact age Sierra was when Adelyn was born/died.

I remember Sierra so clearly at that age - how she was the only thing that got me to smile.  I remember her running out of the bathtub one night, maybe a week after Adelyn died, and shaking her hips at me, saying "Mommy, I'm maked" (that's how she said naked for a long time, so cute).  It may have been the first time I truly laughed - how could you not?

Yet, a lot of that time in Sierra's life is a blur to me.  It's hard to look back at pictures of her that age,  because it reminds me of how much I was hurting.  It's so hard.....I want to remember those precious moments with her, and there were many.  I was well aware how precious they were, more than I ever had been.  But on the other hand, I want to forget that time in my life.   The crying in the car, the aching arms, the emptiness, the search for answers, how I mad the lyrics in every song I heard somehow relate to Adelyn, the pain in my heart when I saw sisters, the jealousy every time I heard someone else was having a girl, the guilt in my choices during my pregnancy......those things I'd like to forget.  But I can't.

And so tonight, I just feel emotional.  I can't explain it.  My mind is thinking about so many things.  Yes, I'm thinking about and missing Adelyn.  I do that every day.  But tonight I am thinking a lot about how fast time is going.  2.5 years since Adelyn's heart last beat.....and next month my big girl turns 5.  This is probably what Adelyn would look like if she was here today:

This is Sierra at 2.5.  I remember this being a favorite photo of mine.  I remember sending a thank you e-mail to coworkers right before I went back to work.  I couldn't bear to write out thank you cards, so I sent an e-mail.  Since I didn't have a baby to send pictures of, I attached some of Sierra and this was one of them.  I still remember that.

My, how much has changed in 2.5 years.  Sierra looks like a toddler in that picture.  Now she is definitely a little girl.  I don't even want to think about how different things will be in another 2.5 years.  She won't want to hold my hand when we walk down the street anymore.  She'll probably call me "Mom" and not "Mommy."   I wonder if she will still think what I say is the most important thing in the world. Right now, I often hear her telling her dad, "But Mommy said I have to do this." Every  night when I tuck her into bed, she quietly says, "But Mommy, you don't want to lay with me for a little bit?"  Sometimes I just want to go watch TV or do something for myself, but in that moment, I stop and think about how someday I will have all the time in the world and will long to hear that little voice ask me to lay with her, so I stay and I hold on to her tightly until she falls asleep.

Today I tried to put Coen down for a nap without rocking him. He screamed until I caved, about 30 minutes later.  I picked him up, and he fell right asleep on me.  I wondered why I worried about the 15 extra minutes it takes to rock him to sleep, when in 2.5 years he will be way too big to hold like that.  And then I wanted to sit there and hold him for his entire nap.

Time.....it goes so fast.  2.5 years ago, I never could have imagined I'd be where I am today.  Happy, smiling, the mother of a boy ;)   But here I am - trying to cherish every moment along the way.  You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Cuteness Overload

My kid is so cute I can't stand it.  I really forgot just how cute and fun this age is, but oh my do I love it.  Makes me want to quit my job and just stay home and watch him all day.  I would never tire of it.  I want to soak it all in before it's gone.

So you wonder what does he do that has me gushing?

His daddy showed him this silly picture of a frog smiling in one of his board books.  He will turn the pages until he finds it, then squeal in delight every time.  It is beyond cute.

He really loves to press buttons on things to hear music.  After he does it, each time he will start to "dance" with a big smile on his face.

Then there is his mad face - he started walking around sticking his lips out and breathing really hard through his nose like he is smelling something.

He has also discovered the TV, and loves Thomas (why I am not sure - I find it so boring).  Every time we turn on the TV, points to it and says "choo choo".

Then there are the new words emerging every day - my personal favorite is probably still "naNA" for banana (he stresses the second syllable and for some reason I find it so cute).  He sometimes calls me "mee mee" - I can't figure out what else it means.  Other new words - boo (book), koo-koo (cookie), no, choo choo, ball, baby.....that's all I can think of right now.

Words can't express how much I am loving my little man right now.  I'm so thankful that this time, I was given the priveledge to watch my baby grow.  It is SO much fun, especially when you truly understand the gift it is.  Until you lose that opportunity with one of your children, I don't think you can truly understand how special this feels to me.

Growing Up

My baby is growing up and tonight I am just not ok with it.

It's hard, letting go.  And my goodness he is only 17 months old (today!) - but he is no longer a baby, he is definitely a toddler. It's going by way too fast.

There are so many reasons, so many factors involved, but I feel like I am taking him growing up so much harder than I did with Sierra.

One reason is, he is my last baby, so I know I will never get to experience all the wonders of babies and toddlers again.  This is a fun, adorable age right now, but it's the last time I get to experience it.  When Sierra was this age, I assumed I would get to do it again, and I was also very naive about life.

Another reason is, I went through so much to have Coen.  I did not bond with him at all until he was born, and I still feel guilty about that.  However, because of losing Adelyn and his emotionally difficult pregnancy, I definitely understood more how precious every moment is and cherished them way more than I did with Sierra.

Random reason....but I also feel like Coen growing up is harder because he is a boy.  How long is it going to be before he prefers doing boy stuff with daddy to me?  Then I see so many men - my own husband included - who rarely call their mothers.  I know that part is way in the future, but I do think about it.  It would break my heart if Coen treated me that way.

Some days, I still wonder if I was cut out to be the mom of a boy.  It's hard for me, in a lot of ways.  I worried before he was born, but turns out having a boy baby was no different than a girl baby, except you got peed on.  But as he gets bigger, it most certainly changes.  I worry that I won't be able to relate to him, like I do with Sierra.  She is just like me, so it's easy for me to understand her.  Boys are SO different!

I'm in a funky, sort of sad mood tonight.  I guess it's a good time to share a new picture of my handsome little guy, looking so grown up....

Disney on Ice

I know I've been MIA, life has been busy to say the least.  There is so much I want to do, and so many times something has happend that I have wanted to blog about.  I just don't have time.  I know someday I will have all the time in the world when my kids are grown, and so I am really just trying to enjoy them now while they are little.  It's so hard to balance it all.

Sierra and I did have a much needed "girls day" and went to Disney on Ice.  She's been very into princesses and fairires lately.  Her face lit up every time the ad come on TV.  I wish we could actually go to Disney, she is at the perfect age I think, but her brother is NOT.  That is one downfall of having your kids a bit farther apart.

Sierra wasn't herself the whole day, so I was disappointed a little because it didn't seem like she was as excited as she had been.  Turns out she got sick that night after she went to bed, so I guess she wasn't feeling well most of the weekend.

I don't have time to write anything inspiring or dig down deep, although I would like to but sleep and relaxing are more important right now.  I did want to share this picture I took from the Disney on Ice show we went to:

The sky lanterns - my favorite part of the Tangled movie.  They remind me of Adelyn.  I took a few pictures of Sierra all dressed up as Belle, but I can't take a picture of my 2nd daughter enjoying Disney on Ice with us, as she would have been this year at almost 2 1/2 years old.  I have to settle on taking pictures of things that remind me of her.  This is one of few pictures I took of the actual show.  So beautiful.

Just a little something to show you how my mind works - she is NEVER far from my thoughts.

A Different Mom

Two times today I was reminded of what a different mom I am now.

First, I was talking to the person I "share" my room at work (actually it's an old storage closet).  We were casually talking about pediatricians and such, as she is expecting her first baby in April.  We got on the immunization topic, and we both are nervous about them a bit just because we both work with a lot of kids with problems, especially autism.  That's another post in itself, but for the record I don't think immunizations themselves cause autism.  But anyway, I told her I had Sierra vacinnated in the usual schedule, but that I was more leery about it with Coen and second guess it every time he is due for shots.  For one, he is a boy and boys are way more likely to  have autism.  But like I told her, I am also not the same mom I was when Sierra was his age.  I'm far less naive - back then I never would think anything bad could happen to MY child.  Ha.  I worry more now, I second guess things more and think about the "what ifs".

Then at lunch today, we were talking about babies and sleep.  One teacher just came back from maternity leave and her baby isn't sleeping well - at all.  She was asking for advice - which I don't have since my  kids were good sleepers.  The other 3 moms all have 2 or 3 kids each.  They all said how with their first, they would go in every time the baby cried and rock them to sleep and never let them cry it out, etc.  But how they learned their lesson with the next one, and didn't do all those things because they knew better and doing them with their first  had "created a monster."  It was so strange to me to hear this, even though it makes complete sense.

I am the complete opposite.  With Sierra, I never really rocked her to sleep.  I put her in her crib and she went right to sleep on her own.  We never rushed in when she cried, we let her cry it out many times.  She was just always a great sleeper, so I guess we never had to? 

But with Coen, I still at almost 16 months, rock him to sleep every night.  I can't bear to hear him cry.  I do not rush in his room if he cries in the middle of the night, unless he screams like something is wrong.  But I just feel like all the other moms were talking like they were less protective or overbearing with their second or third babies.  They let more things slide.

Not me.  I am definitely MORE protective, but I also appreciate all those things more.  I mean I went through a LOT to have Coen, so you better believe I am going to cherish every second.  I actually spoke up and said that.  Not in those exact words, but I just said the truth, how I rock and cuddle Coen more than I did with Sierra because it's just  more precious to me (I should have added that it's because I went through a lot to have him and that I was robbed of being able to do this with one of my babies, but I didn't) and that I am also fairly certain that he will be my last baby so I don't care.  I will rock him to sleep until he won't let me, which will be soon enough I am sure.

That there, is more proof as to how much losing a baby changes you.  Proof that I am still not the same person I was before Adelyn died.

But, it also gave me an interesting perspective on things.  I still sometimes wonder why me, why did I have to be the one whose baby died?  I wish I was naive again, like everyone else, very often.

Today I didn't.  As I sat there listening to them, I was sort of glad I wasn't that naive.  I was thinking to myself, "You have NO idea how precious those moments are until you are robbed of them."

Thank you Adelyn for making me appreciate every single moment.  It make have taken lots of tears, pain, unfairness, and wishing things were different.  But you did it.

Three, but Not

I have three children.

But yet I don't.

I went through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and gave birth 3 times.

But most people only see two of those children.

There are only two carseats in my car, two childrens' photos on my wall, two beds full with sleeping children.

And sometimes, it's enough to have those two.  They make me happy, I can see what I have not what I don't have.

And then there are those times when those two children make me feel like less of a mother.

I "only" have two children to take care of, when it seems like everyone around me has three.

That's hard for me.  I never planned on having three children, but I had three.  But yet I only have two.

I swear if one more person tells me they are expecting their third child I may lose it.  Why, why three?  Why not just two?  Why isn't two good enough?

Let's see....my neighbors right next door, across the street, two of the three other families that use the same baby-sitter as us, some friends at work - people I interact with just about daily.  Then a friend just told me she is expecting #3.

Why does it bother me?  Why?  It's like I don't want anyone else to have more than 2 kids.  Yet I never planned on having more than 2 kids.  But I have more than 2 kids, sort of.

Yes, I could just have another baby, if I convinced my husband (and myself), which won't happen.  Yet it wouldn't matter, then I would wish for 4 kids.  No matter what, there will always be that hole.

And somedays, the two children I have here with me make that hole feel pretty tiny.

But not tonight.  Tonight, I miss her.  A lot.

Tonight, I long for the "old me."

But, she's gone.  And I wish people would understand that.

I'm allowed to have bad days still, 2+ years later.  I'm allowed to be angry sometimes, I'm allowed to still miss her.  She is my child, and she's gone.  No amount of "therapy" or time is ever going to change that.

Sigh.....I'm not sure if any of that make sense, but that's where my head is tonight.  I've been thinking about this post for awhile, but have been too busy to write.

Different Loves

During the first year after Adelyn died, I truly think Sierra was the only thing that made me happy.  Her smile, her silliness, and just the fact that she needed me, kept me going.  I could still mother her here, even though I couldn't mother her sister.  For a long time I felt like I had too much love to give her.  After all, I had all this love for Adelyn but I didn't know how to give it to her, and had no way to give it to her here on Earth.  So Sierra got all of it, double the love, double the cuddles, double the kisses on her sweet cheeks.

And then Coen came along, and he brought so much joy back - joy that I never thought could be possible again.  And I had to split my love between two kids on Earth, and that is hard.  As much as I didn't think I could ever love anyone as much as Sierra, I was wrong. 

Now, let me say that I love all of my kids the same, but in such different ways.  But, Coen's birth healed me in ways that no one else could.  So for awhile there, I think I was so caught up in that, and the bliss of a sweet precious baby, that I think I may have "forgotten" just how special Sierra's role is also.

Now, over 2 years after Adelyn's death, she still brings her up.  Innocently, randomly, sweetly.  She will ask, "Mommy, I wonder what Adelyn is doing?"  And we will talk a little bit about what we think she is doing in heaven.  It is so sweet.  I honestly think she is the only one who just brings Adelyn up so naturally, so freely, without knowing what a "taboo" subject babies who died are to so many.

That is truly her special gift to me.  I love hearing my middle child's name.  I rarely get to.  I love her name, I spent hours picking it out.

But sometimes, because she is so open about Adelyn, it makes others uncomfortable and they quickly try to change the subject.  I hate that, it is a reminder that my daughter is dead and many don't want to talk about her because I guess it's too uncomfortable to them.  What about me, I'm the one who had to live it.

Case in point - we were getting our haircut on Saturday.  For some reason, Sierra had been talking about Adelyn a lot lately.  So as we are all standing there, she starts asking our  hairdresser (who is my dad's cousin, so she knows Adelyn's story) who from our family isn't there with us.  And the hairdresser guesses just about everyone in our family, including the dog, EXCEPT Adelyn.  Ouch ouch.  That hurt, and made me feel like she is forgotten.  Then Sierra says, "No, Adelyn, my sister."  And I don't remember exactly what the hairdresser said, but I could tell she didn't know what to say and she tried to change the subject.  So then a little while later, her husband came to drop something off and Sierra starts talking to him about Coen.  And then she says "I have a sister, too."  And maybe he doesn't know, or didn't realize who we were, and he says something a long the lines of "oh someday you won't be so excited about that."  I guess meaning they would fight.  And in my head all I was thinking was ouch again, and if only you knew what we would give to have two fighting little girls.

I guess I should just get used to these types of things happening.  It's been awhile since one happened.  I both love and hate these situations.  I love that Sierra talks about Adelyn, but I hate most people's reactions.  Then again, I love that Sierra forces them to remember, and she doesn't even know how hard that is for me to do, she just does it.  I will always be thankful to her for that.  I will always be thankful for her getting me through that first year.  I will always be thankful to Coen for healing me in so many ways and bringing pure joy back to our house.  I will always be thankful to Adelyn for helping me to see the beauty in everything and for teaching me to cherish every single moment.

I love all three of my children, so very much, in so very different ways.  And I am thankful for all of them.

15 months

My baby was 15 months last Thursday, January 10th!  A little late, but that's how we roll in this house.  We are busy and tired......but I am not complaining.

Coen doesn't have his 15 month well check until Monday, because even though I tried to schedule it over a month ago, all evening appointments were booked!  Thankfully I am off Monday for Martin Luther King Day, but that's not really how I wanted to spend my day off!

Coen is doing so many things now, I really don't know where to start.  He loves to dance, and anytime music comes on he will stop and bounce.  Sometimes he moves his arms, but mostly he bounces up and down.  It is ridiculously cute, I could watch him do it all day.  Over the weekend, he found this little crib from Sierra's doll house and kept pressing the button to make it play music, then dancing to it, and then doing it all over again.  At one point, he was over at her doll house doing this for awhile, and she was over playing with his cars.  Figures!

Coen points to everything now, and says something that sounds like "what's this?"  His first word wsa "cookie" which he says as "coo coo".  I think that "ba" is book, and "ma" is something, maybe milk but I am not sure.  He uses "ma" to refer to many things.  He has repeated "baby" for me also.  We have been working on mommy, daddy, and "CC" - nothing yet though.  But, I'm relieved, because I was worried about his language development.  He didn't say anything for awhile, and while I know he is still so little, I am a speech therapist so of course I am overly aware and worry more than your average person.  On the other side of that, I am more critical - some people call the sounds babies make words, but it is not truly a word until the refer to the same thing using the same word over and over.  Simply saying "mama" doesn't mean a word, unless they are saying it consistently while pointing to you or running towards you.  That is one thing that irks me, when people call random babbling words.  It's not!

Another of his favorite things to do is turning the light switch off and on.  It's so cute.  He has started to finally play with his toys, which is nice because we don't have to chase him around to be sure he's not getting into trouble (as much).   He also loves to pull all the books off his shelf and make a big mess.  I so remember Sierra doing this at the same age, because it was summer and I was home and I swear all I did was pick up books!

Right at the end of the year, I finally ran out of frozen breastmilk and Coen had his first taste of cow milk.  At first he wanted nothing to do with it, but he seems to be ok now.  Over Christmas break I weaned him down to only nursing before bed.  I will keep nursing him before bed through the winter, unless he decides to wean himself before then.  I honestly don't see that happening though.

I forgot how much I love this age, and how cute babies are when they are taking in so much.  Like little sponges.  This age is also trying and tiring, because you can't reason with them or bribe them.  Temper tantrums happen often in our house.  It's a good thing he's so darn cute.  I swear this boy melts my heart multiple times a night.  I can't get enough of his giggles and dancing.  I love how he runs to me when I come home like I'm the best thing in the world.

New Years

I'm really not a big fan of New Year's Eve.  It gets me down.  I can't believe we are in 2013....that seems so far from 2010, the last time we saw one of our children's precious faces and held her in our arms.  I know that I should think of a new year as another year closer to her.  Yet, that's just not where my mind is lately.

I've been missing my girl a lot lately.  I actually think New Year's hit me way harder than Christmas.  Maybe because we didn't really do much, so I had more time to sit and reflect.  Probably because it's another year farther from the year she was born, which in my mind means she is another year farther from people's memory.  I don't know if that is true, but it often seems that way.

I think I am just sad to see 2012 go.  It was a very good year.  A full year of full arms, watching Coen grow from a tiny 3 month old all the way to a big 14 month old (almost 15 months actually).  2012 was the year of Coen's baby-hood.  And the fact that it is over is a sort of reality check.  2012 is over, Coen's baby-hood is pretty much over.  That makes me so sad.  I will never have a baby again, unless we get a surprise.  Sometimes I am okay with that, but then like everything else in life it cycles back to me being very sad about it.  And right now, I'm in the "very sad about it" phase.

I just don't want my baby to grow up.  His innocence, his laugh, the way he runs over to me and puts his arms up to be held, the way  he lets me rock him to sleep.  Even though he can be trying and tiring, it's worth it.

Yet, every stage Sierra goes through I have loved.  I am sad to see each stage go, but I love the next stage just as much.  I wish I didn't have to say good-bye to one stage, to get to the next.  I was going through Sierra's dress up box (since she was been playing dress up all week and changes her outfit about 3 times a day - love it) and found the Dora dress she wore every day right after Coen was born.  It made me sad to think that "stage" is over - both the Dora stage and the newborn stage.  I think part of it is because Sierra's Dora stage started when she was the age that Adelyn would be.  So, the realization that the Dora stage is over for her, yet would be just starting for Adelyn, kinda made me stop and think for awhile.  Every stage Sierra goes through and then gets out of, I think about the fact that I will never get to do that stage again, and had Adelyn lived I would probably still get to do it one more time.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, I'm rambling on.....and I should get to bed because I have to work tomorrow.  Boo!