Date Mix Up

Something weird happened to me tonight.  I was looking at a calendar and noticed that the 29th was coming up.  And I thought to myself that Coen would be turning 7 months old on the 29th.  It seemed like it was too fast, but I didn't really think twice about it.

Then I was looking at my blog and my 6 months post, on the 10th of the month.  Oh....oops.  Coen won't be 7 months for awhile, on the 10th of May.  That sounds better, time isn't flying as fast as I was thinking.

But Adelyn would have been 19 months old on the 29th of this month.  How did I mess up their "dates"?  Weird.  Maybe I just need more sleep?

Birthday Woes

I planned on writing this nice, happy blog post today.  One looking back on one of the best days of my life, the day I became a mommy.  One about how much I love and appreciate my oldest.  One about how glad and blessed I feel to have a daughter on Earth.

I promise this was my intention.  I don't want it to seem like I only blog when I have a bad day.  However, today didn't go as planned.

Sierra turned 4 today.  Time flies!  Last night she kept asking why she had to go to the baby-sitter's on her birthday.  I used all my sick days for my maternity leave, so I can't take off.  We ran around and worked around the house all weekend, so it would have been nice.  Trevor decided to stay home with her and have some daddy and Sierra time.  We sent Coen to the baby-sitter's and I went to work.  He took her across the street to play and bring cupcakes to her friends (her baby-sitter lives across the street from us).  We were going to let her choose where to go for dinner and let her open her presents from us.  We are having a family party Saturday and a friend/kid party the following Saturday, so she is going to get tons of toys and be overwhelmed.

I rushed home from work because I was looking forward to the evening.  Trevor was picking Coen up when I got home so it was perfect.  I had been too tired to wrap her presents up.  So I went downstairs and got them ready when I heard them come home.

Not happy sounds though.  Sierra was not listening, acting up.  I had noticed a pair of pants and underwear in a plastic bag in the basement and sighed.  Not again.....she had been doing SO well with the potty. 

But not today.  She must have peed her pants 4 times, and did it just as they walked in the door, even after being asked if she had to go.  That was the final straw, and our evening was ruined.  I couldn't justify letting her go out to dinner after this behavior, nor was I in the mood to celebrate and give her presents.  If she had one accident, ok, they happen.  But she goes weeks perfect (except at night), and it seems like this is a behavior and she will do it multiple time in a day.  I can't figure out what causes it or why she is doing it.  For attention??  She got so much today, and she gets MORE attention when she is pleasant and cooperative.

I tried to talk to her about it, but she kept changing the subject.  She said she did it because she wanted mommy to take her to the baby-sitter's today and that she misses me.  Not sure if I believe that, she is smart enough to know that will soften me.  But she IS a momma's girl, so it could be partly true.  I'm not sure whether to laugh at that because she is so smart, or to cry because she really  means it.  Sigh....

Of course when I have frustrating parenting days, I start to wonder if I am doing something wrong.  Why does she act like this, why can't she get this potty training thing?  She is FOUR!  I swear that every other kid around our neighborhood, except the babies, is potty trained and some are over a year younger than her.

Days like this, they make my anger come back.  I start comparing, and thinking about how unfair it is.  Not only did we have to have a baby who died, but now we also have the most difficult child ever to potty train.  Really??  I mean, I know it could be SO  much worse, I could not have the opportunity to potty train her at all.  But tonight I am just so frustrated that her day was ruined and that she STILL isn't fully potty trained, that I can't think positively.

It's another one of those "can't wait for this day to be over and wake up to a new one" kind of nights.

On that note, I should really just go to bed.  Tomorrow is a very busy day at work and I need all the patience I can get for it.

Just When You Get to a Good Place....

Something comes along to knock you back some.  That is my new normal, this new life I lead.  I am happy for awhile, and I feel guilty about it every so often, but mostly life is good again.

And then something happens.  Tonight I was working with Sierra on learning her address and then we went over all her family members' names.  Daddy, mommy, brother, cousins, etc.  She knows them all.  I'm always curious if she will include Adelyn or not.  So I kept asking questions to see if it would come up.  I played dumb and asked her if she had another brother, and she said no but we have Adelyn.  I asked her who Adelyn was to her and she said "my sister."  At that point my heart leap out of my chest in happiness.  I want her to always mention Adelyn as her sister.

Then the questions started.  "Mommy, why do we have a girl baby in the sky and a boy baby here?"  I answered honestly with I don't know.  Then came the comment she has never made, but I dreaded hearing.  Back when I was pregnant we would tell her that it could be a boy baby and she would get mad and say she didn't like boy babies and that we were "supposed to" have a girl baby.  Once Coen was here, I thought she was over that because she loves him so much and never said anything about wanting a girl baby.

Until tonight.  "Mommy, why can't we have a boy baby in the sky and a girl baby here?"  Ouch.  I said I don't know.  Then she asked if Adelyn was going to stay in the sky forever and I said yes.  She said "I really wish she was here because I love her so much."  I can't explain what emotion I was feeling by now.  It made me sad to think she wanted to "trade" Coen for Adelyn.  She loves Coen.....I think she was just confused, why wouldn't she be?  I am.  I just want them both here and I wish that was how she put it.  I reminded her how much she loves Coen and that she wouldn't want to not have him.  She said yeah but girls are better and that she likes all girls.

I hope that this is a one time thing and she doesn't keep wishing for a sister (on Earth).  What little girl doesn't want a sister?  It's just hard when it's your little girl who came so close to having a sister to grow up with, but will never get the chance.  We want to give our kids everything they want, at least I do.  I would give her the world, I do give her everything I can every single day.  But that is the one thing I can never give her.  And some days it just about kills me.

Not fair, not fair at all.

6 Months

Coen is 6 months old today.  Wow....it is going way too fast.  How has he been here half a year already?

I am so excited for the next few months, I just LOVE this age.  They are still very much babies, you can cuddle and hold them and kiss them all you want.  But yet, they are starting to have personalities, to notice things around them and it is so much fun to watch them.  I really love when babies start to sit up and you can put them on a blanket with toys and they will just sit there and play!

Coen rolls over like crazy now and likes to eat his toes!  He is almost sitting up:

Coen still loves his big sister the best!  Sierra is still always in his face, touching and talking loudly to him.  It drives me crazy but he loves it and laughs and smiles at her.  Too cute.  I love watching their relationship - I really looked forward to sibling love.  Even though I was very detached during my whole pregnancy with Coen, the one moment I allowed myself to daydream about was Sierra meeting her new sibling.

Coen has his 6 month check up Thursday, so I'm not sure what he weighs.  He still fits in 3-6 month clothes, although some of them are almost getting too small.  It has been unseasonably warm here, so there are things he didn't get to wear :(  So I will attempt to keep him in 3-6 months a little longer so he can wear his clothes!  I would guess he is around 17 lbs?

Coen is still exclusively breastfed, although I did break down and feed him solids over the weekend and again tonight.  He really loved it, but made a big mess. 

I have been holding off starting them, for many reasons.  I think I really just don't want him to grow up, and moving from only nursing means he is.  Plus I kind of like being the only one who can feed him...... Another reason is he seems content and I like our routine.  Adding solids changes it, and it's more work to prepare and clean up the mess he makes!  Sierra was so excited when we first gave him cereal - in fact I think "excited" is her new word because she's been saying it a lot lately.  That's ok, she's been happy and good lately so I will take it!

Coen had his first cold this month, and with it came a little fever :(  He had a cough and all, but still slept all night long.  Such a good boy!  He continues to be a wonderful baby - so pleasant and happy and smiles all the time.  I was off work for 5 days with him for Easter break, and I really don't think he cried much at all!  I wonder sometimes if he is even hungry because he would go 4 hours and not even cry, but I knew he needed to eat so I would feed him before he really fussed.

Coen's favorite thing to do now is put everything he can into his mouth.  He also has started "talking" and making noises.

I am so thankful for every day with my little man!  Don't get me wrong, I still miss one of his big sisters every day as well, but he has certainly helped to make that hole in my heart a little smaller.  Thank you Coen for bringing pure joy back into our lives.  We love you buddy!

Easter

This is a holiday where I can truly say "what a difference a year makes" and mean it.

Last year, I remember someone mentioning a baby girl who was born a month or so after Adelyn and that she might come over to visit my aunt's house, where we have Easter.  I was fuming....how dare them invite her to where I was because I  just couldn't handle it.  I said something and so she did not come over, but stayed next door at her grandparents' house.  However, I saw everyone looking at her from across the fence of my aunt's yard and was almost in tears.  I should have been showing Adelyn off in her little Easter dress, too.

This year, when I found out that same baby girl - well toddler now - wasn't stopping over, I was kinda disappointed.  Mostly because she has a new baby brother who I haven't met yet, but still.  She and her brother are only 13 months apart (same distance as Adelyn and Coen).

Another thing that has changed in a year - the whole meaning behind Easter.  I remember people telling me "One day you will see Adelyn again."  I thought they were crazy - why should that comfort me, when that happens I will be dead.  And hopefully it will be a long way off.

But now, it DOES comfort me.  And I know that if it weren't for Easter - if God hadn't given his only son, to die for us and rise again so that we may have eternal life - I may never see Adelyn again.  This year, I can truly appreciate the meaning of Easter.  I think it may now be my favorite holiday.  It used to be Thanksgiving, because I love the food and the meaning behind it of course.  Tough call.....

Here is a picture of my Easter cuties:

Sierra was not cooperating so most of my pictures she is looking somewhere else or has a goofy look on her face!  About the outfits.....I was so looking forward to matching dresses and outfits from the second I found out Adelyn was a girl.  It's still hard to know I came so close to that, and it will never be (even though I love my little guy so much, hopefully you can understand what I mean).  I decided I would find a way to coordinate boy/girl outfits for pictures or special occassions.  It's not easy!  I actually had the dress for Sierra for awhile, it was one of my great bargains from 2 years ago.  In fact, I may have once had a matching dress for Adelyn :( but I made my mom return most of the stuff like that I had bought.  Anyway, I could not find anything to match for Coen.....and then I had a bright idea.  I saw bow tie onsies online, and decied to make one to match.  Then a lightbulb went off and I remembered her dress had a diaper cover, which I never use anymore.  And so I found the template for the bow tie, gave my mom the diaper cover for material, and she made the matching bow tie!  I love it!

Sleeping Babies

When Coen was first born, I would freak out a few times every day when I would look at him sleeping.  I never wrote about this before, but if he fell asleep in the swing or in his pack and play, I would try to get some things done.  At least twice per day, I would glance at him as I passed by to check if he was still sleeping.  But because of my past, instead of seeing a sweet, sleeping baby, I saw a dead baby.  I would have to run over and check to make sure he was breathing every time.

For the longest time, a sleeping baby looked like a dead baby to me.  In fact, there is a picture of my niece at my brother's house in black and white, she is maybe 2 months old and sleeping in it, and it reminds me of the pictures from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep."  I have a hard time looking at it.

So the sleeping baby = dead baby thing went away after awhile, thankfully.  However, with Coen being sick this past week, it has returned, but different.  He was coughing a lot the other night, he woke us up he was coughing so much.  But he didn't cry or wake up, so we let him be.  I should have checked on him, but I am so exhausted all the time that I don't get up out of bed unless I have to.  And if he was coughing, that meant he was breathing.  When I woke up the next morning, it was quiet.  The fear returned.  What if he choked on his mucus?  What if I went in to wake him up and he was dead?  I was almost afraid to go in to get him in the morning.  I turned on the light and held my breath until I saw him move.

Tonight, I went in to check on him and found this:

He has been rolling over for awhile, but never in his crib while he slept.  I don't like this one bit.  Sierra slept like this since she was probably 4 months old....as soon as she could roll over, she slept on her belly.  The difference is when she was a baby, I never thought one of my babies would die.  I know better now, so Coen sleeping on his belly makes me nervous.  I know it's not recommended, but what can you do once they can do it on their own? 

18 Months

It was 18 months ago, last Thursday, since our world changed.  I meant to write on the exact 18 months date, but life got in the way.  I was fighting a cold all week and just feeling not myself, then Coen got sick Friday with his first fever, the cat is having bathroom issues.....our typical zoo of a household.  I won't complain ever about the stress of having two kids though.  By the way, the cold won :(

My thoughts on 18 months without my daughter......where to start.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  It's confusing, how I feel.  I am not sure I can put it into words but I will try.

My thought processes have definitely changed.  I no longer think of things in terms of how they "should have been."  I don't say "Adelyn should have been 18  months old."  I say "would have."  I guess I have gotten to a point where I am accepting, I know that how things are now is how they are supposed to be.  Why they are like this, I still haven't figured out, probably never will.   I can't even imagine what it would be like if Adelyn had lived.  And I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Is it good in a way, does it mean I am moving forward and healing?  But on the flip side, I feel like it means she is getting farther and farther away.  I can't explain it.

It is different now, the kinds of things that will make me sad.  The fact that my daughter died is sad, yes, but it just IS.  It's how it is, I can't change it and so I just accept it as part of my life.  Thinking about it doesn't take my breath away, although I rarely if ever actually speak the words out loud.  The things that hurt me now are the memories attached to her pregnancy or of the time right after she died.  Not the fact that she is dead.  Does that even make sense? 

It's like thinking about all those hopes and dreams and how happy we were, only to have them taken away...that hurts.  Remembering the day we found out she was a girl, or trying to figure out a name for her up until the day before she was born, or thinking about Sierra referring to the nursery as "baby sister's room."  And then thinking about those days/weeks right after she died......the empty car seat, going in the nursery for the first time, angrily throwing diapers around the room, putting away the baby gear, dr. appointments to go over what happened - I could go on.  Probably one of the hardest memories was when the kids at Sierra's baby-sitter asked if I had another baby in my belly because I still looked pregnant right afterwards.  I said no, then they asked what was in there and Sierra answered "That's my baby sister in there."  Thinking of anything like this, it hurts SO much still.  I try not to let my mind wander there, because it is not a good place to be.  But sometimes I cannot make it stop and I think about these things over and over and over.  And I get very sad, sometimes even the anger returns....why me?  I just have to give it time and it passes, and I keep my mind on the present and not the past.  But it's work, doing that.  There are always things that pop up that remind me and take me back there.  It takes great effort to keep focused on what I do have right now.

It's almost as if I just want to erase the entire year of 2010.  I really think I do. That might sound awful because that is the year of Adelyn.  I don't want to forget her, but all those memories from that year are not ones I want to remember.  And yet, I can't seem to forget them.

Some things remain the same.  I still long for another baby girl, specifically the one I can never have on Earth.  It still hurts to see baby girls with cute hair bows, or to hear of someone having their second daughter.  It still hurts to see sisters and to know my daughter came so close to having one. Little sister t-shirts make my heart sink.  When I find out someone is pregnant, my first thought is usually a panicked "what if they have a girl?" I still think about Adelyn every day, whether it be when I see a pink butterfly or the numbers 929 somewhere, or whether it be because I see an outfit I would have bought for her, or maybe it is when someone has a baby girl and I think back to my unfulfilled hopes and dreams. 

What has changed??  I always felt like our familyh was "supposed" to be two little girls.  I thought having a boy would be wrong, we were "supposed" to have two girls.  I struggled with this idea the entire time I was pregnant with Coen.  I knew he would be a boy, but it wasn't until I saw him that I accepted that it would be ok if we had a boy.  Now, I cannot imagine our family with two living daughters, I can only imagine it how it is.

And so, 18 months later things have changed but some things remain the same.